Welcome to the life traveler's notebook

Its been awhile but I'm not going away

2011-12-02T05:58:00.001-08:00

If you think I have been gone forever and that you have got rid of me, you are wrong.you are so wrong.

I know you have been saying no, go away, you are nt good enough. You don't fit in our system... But I will not give in until I hear you cry for mercy.singer people may say I'm being childish and immature in expecting a change in something so rigid, and I knower I am probably too but stillit doesn't mean I don't thrist for my revenge. Yes I'm human, sinfully so.

I'm thinking that perhaps I should trying give up yet I never know it can be so hard to do so.in fact out is harder to give up than out is to hold on and just on and on. I'm thinking this is a calling to do something else quite differently. I wonder when will I have these courage to go places do things I have never done before, I shall look forward to that day when ishii can take that jump

It has been a while but I will not disappear our go away as you radish

2011-12-02T05:56:00.001-08:00

It has ben

2011-12-02T05:56:00.000-08:00

I am grateful that we have met...

2011-07-24T14:11:00.000-07:00

As I prepare for yet another interview tomorrow, I began thinking about those of you I have met while I was working in my last job in SA. I really feel grateful that I have met each of you. I still remember one of the last thing one of you said to me was 'Anita, you have done so much for us, you have no idea how you have change our lives. There is nobody else like you in this place.' I would say the same for all of you, that you have no idea how much you have changed my world.

To the anti-psy artist, I thank you for showing me strong belief in yourself and teaching me what true client centredness means,

To the ice cream man, I thank you for your laughter and your positivity despite you are in trouble, I so wished, still wish I could pull you out from the deep waters,

To the asylum seeker, your bravery, your endurance in hardship re-light a fire in my heart as I look back into my own history,

To the one in the wheelchair, thank you for giving me the opportunity to face up to my own fear of dying, suffering and being unloved,

To the one with the broken hand, you tested my patience and my sense of responsibilities, thank you for the opportunity that I could exceed my best,

To the enlighten car mechanic, I am sorry I couldn't stand up stronger for your spirituality,

To the cycling ex-solider lost in his own world, I am sorry I couldn't help find more justice in your world,

To the two who tried to swop pants in a psychotic disinhibited manner, thank you for showing me there's always another way to see the same thing in front of your eyes.

God thank you for putting them in my path, to show me what's important in life and beyond yourself. May I continue to be a message to some from YOU!!

賣火柴的女孩

2011-04-28T04:22:00.000-07:00

故事內容在一個寒冷的耶誕夜，有一個小女孩在街上兜售著火柴，因為小女孩的父親告訴小女孩，必須把火柴賣完才能回家，並且告訴她沒有賣完就不要回家了，但是街上的人忙著準備過新年，都假裝沒看見小女孩。

時間越來越晚，直到了深夜，小女孩的火柴還是賣不出去，所以她決定用火柴來取暖，當她點燃第一根火柴，看見了暖爐，接著他點了第二根，看見了有著華麗裝飾的聖誕樹，緊接著點燃第三根，她看見了火雞大餐，雖然只有短暫的瞬間，但是她看見了許多他想要但卻未曾擁有的事物，此時，小女孩心想如果能看見死去的奶奶就好了。

當她點燃下一根火柴時她見到了她最希望看見的奶奶，但是沒多久又消失了，小女孩焦急的把所有的火柴都點燃了，只見奶奶對著小女孩微笑，伸出溫暖的雙臂，小女孩興奮跑向奶奶，奶奶抱著小女孩帶著她一起離去。

隔日的一大早，人們發現小女孩倒在街上緊抱著燃燒過的火柴堆，臉上帶著幸福的笑容但已經沒有了氣息。

(from http://zh.wikipedia.org/wiki/%E5%8D%96%E7%81%AB%E6%9F%B4%E7%9A%84%E5%B0%8F%E5%A5%B3%E5%AD%A9, 2011-4-28)

It is weirdly the childhood story that I am resonate with the most and I do not even know fully why this is. I do not particuarlly feel like I am the little girl but I could see her smiles and what she was seeing.

Now I look back at all the assignments I wrote for my Masters and I realised how much it was from within, the blood, the sweat and the tears...

2011-04-24T09:30:00.001-07:00

As I prepare for the battle of my first job interview in the UK, I read over my assignments that I had completed in my Masters. And I realised, how much of what was in those thousands of words came from within. That energy, that sense of justice and anger or saddness were all real. They were part of me and it was all blood, sweat and tears. They were real, I meant what I said not just what somebody else famous or in the field said.

Perhaps, it frighten me how much I had been sitting in reflection since a long time ago. God, how can anyone spend so much time thinking? And if I think so much, how much or little am I doing in action? Perhaps what frighten me was also the passion and love I have within me for the world, the people and for life.

I realised that the very 'doing' of the Master was a personal journey of finding more about myself. What did I find, I wondered... I think I found passion, big love and bravery as well as the motivation that I want to make a change in the world even if it comes at a cost to me. But I also found someone who thinks alot, an exceptionally a lot who lack that brainless action that others are engaging with.

Although now that I had just finished my masters, I have no idea how I will be using the skills. But I am looking forward to it.

沒想過我真的離開了

2011-04-10T15:18:00.000-07:00

三月三十一日，我真的別了一份我喜愛的工作。

我沒法相信大家讚美我的好說話，好像只是他們好心說的。我聽了，整個人都麻木了，心裡想﹕這不是真的，我在做夢。但我感受到的心酸在提醒我這偏偏是鉄一般的事實！為了警惕我自已，我上司說的兩句話我要記下來:

她對我說﹕「Anita, 你有一份不怕苦的用心，妳從不計較把自己的地位降低了。只要你認為好的，你就勇往直前，那怕你要做的事不配你的身份和地位。」 (You do not mind getting your hands dirty and getting down to get the work done.)

「你是一個天生讓人肯定的人，是我們治療師中非常稀有的。在你還沒有在公共医療工作前，大家都聽說過你的名字。因為在每一個空缺補給的首選三位名單中總出現了「何‧嘉‧欣」這個名字。每一個上司都急着向人事部給壓力第一個邀請你來工作。到你選了我們這裡後，留意你的不但只有治療師們，就連主治醫生的上司都想知道這個中国女孩是哪一號的人物。你總是可以做出成績讓人感受到職業治療師的威力。你不要改變這珍貴的兩點。」

我希望我永遠記住這番勵志的話。今天我看到了一顆細少但光亮的鑽石，即使在暗淡無光的地方，它一样發光。我有了一奇特的想法一我也要像它，就算我是渺少，我都要在黑夜裡自信地發光照亮他人的生命。」

My grandparents

2010-10-21T00:57:00.000-07:00

You raised me up so I can do anything. You raised me up, you make me strong so I can be more myself, more like the divine being that I thrive to be. And that gave me the courage to be brave and encouragous for others when I couldn't stand up for myself.

I miss you, I always will long for the day we would be reunited in spirit. You have made me more than I can be on my own. You believed in me when I didn't mysel.f I look forward to the day when someone else look up to me the way I will always look up to you.

Thank you for being my grandparents. I could not ask for better people to learn from. I learn from your perservernece, your courage, your love and sense of responsbility for your family and your hardworkingness.

You live forever, in me. You live forever.

What am I doing?

2010-10-19T13:05:00.000-07:00

Today as I walked into the computer lab where I was intending to do my work, I met a familiar face. It is a face that belongs to a fellow postgraduate student that I have always fondly enjoy chatting about politics and macro issues in the region where we live.

During the lively chat, we spoke about poverty; we spoke about regional policies keeping people immobile and disadvantaged. I cannot help but be asking myself, what am I doing to help this situation? What can I do and what am I doing?

I am not doing anything, let's admit that. I feel guilty, I feel angry and I feel depressed and incapable of helping others in that situation. I am shocked and I am stunned. I ask this of myself, is it naive is it silly is it crazy to think I should be doing something about this? Am I out of my mind and why do I care so much?

Why should I stand up and how do I do this? It is painfully ironic when I wonder how much would my family care about the same thing. And how urge do they feel they should do something? I can almost hear them saying just do your job and don't get into trouble. But I feel like sometimes I have to get into trouble in order to do my job.

God, I pray that you would give me direction - direction that guide me in being able to make a difference how ever small individual me as a person. I find it really hard not to break when I think - gosh, why such injustice and inequality for my brothers and sisters from another mother and father? Why?

God, why?

Inspiring the therapist

2010-10-12T10:27:00.000-07:00

It had been a remarkable day for me. I want to say that I am grateful for those whom I work with today. Today, they had taught me hope and perseverance. The hard works do pay off.

I had been working very hard with these particular two individuals. I am and had walked a long hard part of their journey back to life with them. One found work and the other doing so well that gave me the confidence that it will all be okay.

I want to capture this happy moment for myself. It was a remarkable feeling when relief came in a context of illness, poverty and being in a strange place. It was equally remarkable when our eyes met, you said everything without saying a word to tell me how you appreciated and acknowledged my involvement, my walking alongside with you to stand on your own again. It is hard to let go but it makes me proud to let you go and see you fly.

This, is truly inspiring; even for the therapist :)

Happy Birthday Madiba!

2010-07-18T09:01:00.000-07:00

Today, 18th July 2010 marks the 92th birthday of South African ex-president Nelson Mandela. There is no word to describe someone as amazing and as legendary as him.

Happy Birthday Madiba. Here's the words of a song my favourite band wrote in honor of you:

《光輝歲月》的歌詞在下面給大家欣賞：

作曲：黃家駒作詞：黃家駒歌手： Beyond

鐘聲響起歸家的訊號
在他生命裡　彷彿帶點唏噓
黑色肌膚給他的意義
是一生奉獻　膚色鬥爭中

＊年月把擁有變做失去
　疲倦的雙眼帶著期望＊

＃今天只有殘留的軀殼
　迎接光輝歲月　風雨中抱緊自由
　一生經過徬徨的掙扎
　自信可改變未來　問誰又能做到＃

可否不分膚色的界限
願這土地裡　不分你我高低
繽紛色彩閃出的美麗
是因它沒有　分開每種色彩

(the above picture came from http://api.ning.com via Google search and is hereby acknowledged.)

My favorite hymns - even through I am not exactly a good Christian

2010-05-31T13:03:00.000-07:00

LOVE IS THE TOUCH OF INTANGIBLE JOY:

Love is the touch of intangible joy;
love is the force that no fear can destroy;
love is the goodness we gladly applaud;
God is where love is, for love is of God.

AMAZING GRACE

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

T'was Grace that taught...
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.

The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
and mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
a life of joy and peace.

When we've been here ten thousand years...
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise...
then when we've first begun.

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

thoughts...just thoughts along the way

2010-05-15T08:49:00.000-07:00

We visited yet another castles in Scotland and my mind is still stucked with the church that housed one of Englishmen from a Lord family in the 1st boers wars. The hurt of wars really hit home with me when we read about his death as an act of kindness at the 'close of victory'. I feel really stupidified and rage just surge in me - "WHO'S VICTORY WAS THAT??" It is hardly victory that one man is killing another no matter how seemingly 'good' reasons you had going into war!! And what victory do you think you have had, when so many more of your men were killed by the Boers. How selectively self deceiving can we get?

Men, you dare to say you are the smartest on earth and that you are made in the image of God. How can you be so blinded to the ways of the devil, playing us one against another while laughing at our foolish act that is fatal sometimes. And there are causalities, innocent lives are lost too.

I have to say my thoughts into the universe as I cannot hold it in as I understand how each family had members in the wars (WWI & WWII) in Scotland. There are just as many of other people that was in the wars, can we ever see the other human in the persons on the opposite side? Here, I remember my 3 grandfathers who were in the wars. two of which were soliders on different sides and one carried dead bodies as a young teenager, the irony and tragedies in all 3's situations is hardly victory at all for anybody.

A spiritual visit to the Isle of Iona & Staffa Island

2010-05-12T14:36:00.000-07:00

Aaron and I went on a 12 hour island visit today with his folks, we went to Iona and Staffa Island. I still find the experience unreal as the islands are un-humanily beautiful and untouched by pollution. I felt that I had entered heaven and was absent from being on Earth while sightseeing there.

On Iona, we visited the birth place of English Christianity where it landed 635AD on the coast of Iona. What is left of this spiritual and histronical event are ancient buildings of church and where the nun and monk lived. There was something spiritual about visiting these monuments. It amazed me that people lived and died believing in their faith in the old days. I couldn't help myself but asked, why is it so hard to do the same in the modern days? I wished my faith about what I believe in can be so stable, so unquestionable and so 'of course, this is the way it has to be.' Bridgid's said something interesting when we chatted about this, she said that modern day people have more emphasis on this life on earth than before when I expressed how shocked I was that Saint Oran got sacrificed (willingly or not) for a tiny plain building that is now known as the Saint Oran's Chapel next to the big church on Iona. I really wondered is it worth it to die like flies? Yet Oran didn't die like flies, for he is still remembered and visited by us on Iona... How interesting and ironic, I sometimes wondered what is God trying to tell us?

Amongst the interesting artifacts, there were many tomb stones. A set of four knight looking one really drew me to them, it drew me into thinking how all of us what to exit this world in a honourable way and in a glorified way, but in the end - what does it matters? We still goes, honourable or ordinary... It seems pointless to hold onto the material things we have access to if that's not going to have any meaning for our souls when we leave our bodies at the end of this life. This made me sad as I read what people wrote that they feel would end poverty inside the church of Iona. So many said, 'end this war..', 'share things' and etc. But poverty, it is so much so much more than the have's and have not's. If ordinary people's understanding is only on the superifical level of materials, who is really poor and how are the real poor people really ever going to get the 'help' they should receive?

God bless us with a deep inner understanding of what you intended for us to learn in our lives, in this life before we meet you face to face.

Antisocial personalities - cancer to the human nature?

2010-01-27T10:05:00.000-08:00

I have had a frustrating day with unable to feel sympathetic towards antisocial personalities. Recently, 'antisocial personalities' have dominated my mind for a bit... I guess it's because I am not lack of contact of it recently - on tv and at work etc.

It is hard to believe anybody is able to be so self righteous and self centred. As if that is just the way it should be and why do you people keep thinking I am wrong. I fear slightly for myself as I am about to move into an area full with psychopaths and sociopaths at work this year. It's horrible the stories I have heard, not that I can tell anyone about them and if I did it would scare the hell out of anybody.

I laugh at myself for putting myself into a work setting where it is probably only a notch down from working as medic on a war zone. Colleagues of mine had been injured before too even through I know they are well respected by the clients they see. Working in that setting to come is going to be testing of what I am taught through my formal training as a therapist and as a person who had been brought up in a Eastern culture of compassion and love of the Budha.

Sometimes you just want to tell them 'come on, get yourself together... stop feeling sorry for yourself you are not winning with me!'... I wonder what has psychiatry turn me into? I like psych because it challenges your reality everyday every moment, it challenges your idea of normality and society all the time but at times I wish for the simplicity and unquestionableness of what to do in physical therapy settings.

Do I go for where it is easier to flow or do I struggle for what may potentially be fruitful? For a big part of my life it had never been a question worth thinking - of course I will struggle till my last breath for what I think is right or I should do... when reality is multiple in versions and perspectives, can I really do so sure anymore?

Day one at the Silk Road lecture series of 3

2010-01-15T13:24:00.001-08:00

I was amazed by the level of enthusiasm there was for the silk road - it was one of the biggest lecture hall you can find in the university and it was FULL of old people (and yes they were mostly Europeans).

As I listen to the expert (the teacher) talk about things and places and people that I had known since I was a child, I felt ashamed of not knowing more about my own country - my motherland!!! It filled me with quite a bit of sadness to see in one picture from the thousand budha caves that foreigners from the west (possibly a missionary) were given the equal (or at least high) honour of being drew as a close follower of the Budha. It sadden me to think that diverse people used to be that nice to one another - what happened to us? Why all these division now while our ancestors had find ways of getting along? God, where did we go wrong?

I have heard the lecturer saying that invaluable books from a library cave in the thousand budha caves were sold to a foreigner as a way to raise funds to maintain it while Chinese information suggested they were stolen. It sadden me that the truth is so hard to find - perhaps it was a bit of both? Or it was bought at first and then stolen when people wanted more pieces of China?

God, Budha, the almighty being high above; teach us to get along again - please do not let us to forget the humanity that we need to see in each other... I pray that we see the humanity in others and see ourselves in it through our actions

Spiritual experience at work (at least I see it that way)

2009-12-23T08:52:00.000-08:00

I had often wondered upon OTs seemingly denial of their involvements in spirituality at work, even through what I had observed today at work was not about the patients as such; spirituality as a topic is still very much a part of our lives as professions and as people.

During the usual breakfast scene in the morning, a friendly group of OTs sit together and have general conversation about life and everything. Speaking about attending a wedding, to how different cultures are, to how some people may compliant about living next to a religious worship place that are not of their own one making too much noise with their means of worshipping (e.g. praying or bell ringing). Came out of that was a beautiful example of what spirituality can do for people...... One of the OTs was describing a TV show that she had saw describing how prisoner in a miltary jail of another country were denied of their human rights to strave strike as they will force feed the prisoners. The prisoners tell of how their singing of prayers in their isolated cells together collectively was what kept them going and was their means of protest. The OTs listening were all from the same religion of these prisoners and the story teller drew silent, almost in acknowledgement of the power and almost as if that story also touched them.

As the observing person who is the only person not in the same religion/spiritual orientation, I felt the power of those prisoners prayers, the triumph of human spirit and ability to find meaning and create meaning in the most inhumane and unjust situation. I cried a silent tear in solidarity with them just like those colleagues who grew silent in acknowledgement of the same power.

What an amazing awakening at work!!! Spirituality is all around us... it is above us, within us and amongst us.

Occupational Therapy is a very spirited profession

2009-11-26T13:25:00.000-08:00

Today I heard somebody saying that OTs are incredibly spiritual people - they hold on to something bigger because we can hardly identify completely with the purely 'simply magical powerful medicine' or 'science' or 'physiotherapy'.

I found this an interesting statement about OTs - we are about meaning, we want to help our clients do things that means to them. This make our pathways to health and wellbeing so different to other conventional health professionals - instead of 'intervening' to make them better, we believe in by doing and being in the basic everyday live activities and roles contributes to health. In fact, I think OTs find what is meaningful to themselves through helping others finding theirs in the everyday stuff.

What boggled my mind is this: if we are such a spiritual natured profession, why do we run from spirituality? Why is it that there are hardly anybody that is comfortable to just be in a therapeutic relationship with their client & feel their spirituality with them? Why are we afraid in challenging others (OTs, other HPs and clients) about the health giving and health damaging spiritual typed occupations?

OTs, you cannot run away from this mission that is yours!! You understand the link between meaning and spirituality as well as that with health, to be holistic in your work with the clients you have gotten; you got to deal with it!!

'This is it'

2009-11-02T07:02:00.000-08:00

Micheal Jackson's 'this is it'

Although I am and had never been a great MJ fan, however somehow I felt the need to say goodbye. Perhaps it is for the memories in which I was 10 and saw him on a Chinese newspaper where I thought he was a she.

Watching MJ in his 'this is it', I thought to myself; this 'isn't' it through... MJ you can and will live on amongst your family, friends and fans - those who loved and still love you. This isn't it and you don't have to say goodbye to us so quickly.

I truely admired MJ's hardwork - the sense of everything must be perfection and nothing less. There isn't that many of us out there who love their work this much - that none but perfection will do. Besides, who can dance like that while singing, acting and telling others want to do with their instruments and dance steps at 50? I am half his age and I am out of breath just walking up the stairs.

MJ, you are truely remarkable - it is sad that people like me only realise your brilliance when you are gone... Wherever you are, may you be in peace.

PS I actually have this thought of MJ doing the thriller for real and rocking some after life party with real skeletons :D

I cried when I heard...

2009-10-15T11:26:00.000-07:00

I was watching TV tonight - an entertaining talent show. Tears poured out of my eyes when I heard the following:

After singing very badly on the stage......
Judges: what do you do for a living?
Singer: I am a fruit seller.

After dancing an unexciting dancing routine......
Judges: Why are you dancing?
Dancer: (looking anxious)because it keeps us off the streets and doing drugs

Listen to the level of resilency and self determination. The self belief that 'yes I can do it - I can, yes me, yes I can'. God, thank you for inspiring me through ordinary people in life so I may not give up on the fight I will be in with and for others I serve. Thank you God!

I say ' blessed be the disabled!!'

2009-07-18T04:17:00.000-07:00

I remember once upon a time I heard the saying 'blessed be the sick and the poor', as I am preparing for an exam poster - I just wanted to shout into the cyberspace 'BLESSED BE THE DISABLED!!'....

The reason I say this is because they are both sick (at one point to have gotten the impairment) and poor (as often they are restricted from active and full participations in life, limited by others in their access to resources, assistance and opportunities. These all lead towards poverty and further disabilities. Furthermore, because of their lived experience of social oppression and real bodily and environmental barriers; I dare to say they understand vulnerability and capabilities!!! I therefore make the conclusion that they are blessed as they are closer to God than 'we' (the so called normal who keeps think 'oh shame, in God's name; we will help you).

No no, guys we all got it wrong!!! It 's 'us' that needs help and let the children, the poor and the sick as well as the disabled show us the way!! I just wanted to say this - great, now it's out of my chest (or finger tips) LOL

A song that I love "you raise me up"

2009-07-08T11:07:00.000-07:00

"You Raise Me Up" by Josh Groban

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up... To more than I can be.

Reference: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/joshgroban/youraisemeup.html

Where am I going??

2009-07-07T02:00:00.000-07:00

Recently, my life had been surrounded by death, sickness and failure/disappointments. As I am sick at home, I feel I am forced to reflect and examine this question - "Ka Yan, where the hell in this world are you going to??"

Aaron and his dad Richard asked me about my and our future over the weekend... I ponder over this 'future' question. The ironic thing is that I dont even know what I am doing right now or where I am - how do I know where I am going or wanting to go later? And yes, I have ideas but they are so wild and so untammed that it even scares me the thinker!! A colleague at work had died very suddenly. I do not know her well but I have a lot of respect for her. Hearing how others say how impersonal yet professional she was (basically she's so cold, unfriendly but do the right things), I feel sad. Is that all we can say about somebody who want to be different? Are we just going to close the book and forget her after the memorial? Is this the treatment I will receive because I see myself going that way - the way of being different from normality? God, I feel so lonely, so judged by others. How can I connect with people around me which is what I really want when they are so different from me? Or is it my destiny to be misunderstood - like many great people e.g. Vincent who painted beautiful artwork yet not acknowledged when he lived?

I feel particularly tore by what I want and what I suspects others want me to want - I cannot and fail to seperate the two... Aaron asked me if it's important who's wants I am following? If what you want is also what others want u to want, what's wrong with that? Yet, it matters to me - because I do not want to 'want' something that an oppressive system may want me to want so that I will shut up!! In fact, I do not want to shut up about injustice - but yet is this just popular (and sounds like the right thing to do) or is this really me who wants to become a fighter for this reason? And God, why do I have to be alone in this? I look at other colleagues of mine, everybody is content but why not me? I know that perhaps it is because I have always choose the hardest road to journey on possible, without the struggles without the challenges, I do not live and my heart will die!!

Another question comes to my mind is that whether it really is about what we want in life - do we really have a choice? I am not sure about it... Lack of choice is not always bad but yet the sense of in controlness and freedom is what gives meaning and quality to life.

This is the point in time I feel like standing in the middle of a road like Jim Carey's character in "Bruce Almightly" and scream out loud "God, I need a sign!! any sign!!" God, help~!! I like the way how you had been so quiet but I need you to speak to me these days. I know you know me well, perhaps better than myself at times; that you know I will doubt if I hear a voice in me - I will examine it before I trust it.

God, perhaps you are saying to me - be brave and embrace that fighter that you are and you will be for others. But do so humbly, do so honestly and without fear for that is my plan for you my child - that you will do my work for me in this way, reaching those who need their prayers answerred. Accept it, accept that this is you and this is what you will do. God, has my path already been decided but you are just giving me time to be ready for it? God, I hope I didn't misunderstand you - I hope I am not just going to make a fool out of myself.......

In the end, I just want to be able to stand in front of you without shame - God I do not ask you to understand me or understand my choices, my actions and if I need to be punished for it, so be it - I just dont want to regret it myself as I am going through my life with you.

Remembering a star in my journey of struggling and growing

2009-06-29T15:16:00.000-07:00

It is late yet I am not sleeping... I cannot believe that you are gone...

If I say you are not someone significant in my life, I do not think I would be dishonest because I had only got a chance to see you more often in this last 6 months when I started being regular at this place I had met you since I was 14.

But yet you were there... you were there in my journey of struggling to become someone in a helping profession. You were one of the very first I had came to know and was hoping to help. You were there and you never changed - in fact you were more consistant and honest about your feelings, emotions and thinking than a lot of the people I had ever known - yet many ordinary people would be puzzled at why you were part of a beacon in my developing life.

I do not know if you ever realised how much knowing you added colour to my life. I do not know if you would ever know or notice. I hope that you never suffered the 'humanity' of the normal society - that you had remain untouched by the suffering and saddness that surrounds us. And I hope that you are in heaven now, in peace and with God.

Strangely and ironically, I even laugh at myself at this; I am going to miss your irritating greeting habits and style as I get to this place we used to see one another. I hated it but I am also going to miss it and miss you being in this place.

R.I.P. a star that shined upon me as I struggled - we will not be in a hurry to forget you...

Maybe I am just having growing pain...

2009-06-05T02:47:00.000-07:00

Recently I have really had a hard time at work with political clashes with different members of the team. As I lie here, sick at home; I realise the fire within my heart is still burning and difficult to contain because it wants to come out like a devil - be agressive, have no mercy and do not want to delay gracification and rupture like a volcano onto whoever that happens to be standing in the wrong spot at the wrong time.

Speaking to my new mum (my mother in law) on the phone who is a social worker by training, I asked the question "why does it have to be some individual that fights for others? Yet everybody will benefit from this one (or a few) brave individual fighting but in the down times, the crowd follows the oppressors?" I believe that we need to stop being a walk over if we want any respect and dignity. OTs can do much more and we shouldnt be denied the opportunities to be a full OT - we can definitely do more than just FCEs, splints, PGs, pencil grip and wheelchair prescriptions!! What will it take for OTs to stop being afriad? How long do we have to wait until we get that critical mass so we can voice for ourselves and our clients fearlessly?

From these recent experiences, I realise that it is not conflicts that I fear but the beast in me that I fear. Yet, I know I want to fight not with the individuals, but I want to take stupid stuck-up ideologies with my bare hands and shake it to tell it 'we will no longer submit and subscribe to your power or dictation!!! NO MORE!!'

Enough is enough and no more no further!!

Bridgid was saying that I would need to hold onto my rare qualities and let it grow and be shaped into something more refined before I can use it. And that I have to accept I will have to continue watching others suffer in the process, as I cannot take away the suffering. God, I know I am meant to walk alongside those who are in pain and crying; but it is inhuman to expect me to be able to be this brave this young to not want to go down with them. My soul do not want to give in to the powerful ones who silence me and those who I dare to represent on certain issues yet my legs are finding it hard to keep standing up striaght never mind the advancing forward as the battle begins.

I know I am 'just' having growing pain, in order to become the 'angel', in order for the wings to come out from my back; I have to cry I have to bleed. I just pray that I do not die from exhaustion from burnt out from disappointment before the process is completed. Or that someone tries to kill me because they are too afriad of what I will become......

They always say that a good breakfast is a good start of a day

2009-05-22T23:54:00.000-07:00

I have had such a bad week this last 5 days. I thought on the Saturaday (supposively the last day of this week) I give myself a nice breakfast to end it off on a good note. Here it is:

I am still so so tired - just want to get back into a warm bed (unfortunately alone as hubby is not around for now - snob snob) But I have to keep going

It's a soup day today!!

2009-05-14T11:30:00.000-07:00

天堂 by 光良

2009-05-13T11:08:00.000-07:00

天堂
歌手：光良作曲：光良填詞：葛大為　編曲：吳慶隆

牽著你在天空飛翔　這樣看世界不一樣
Holding you and flying in the sky, in this way the world looks different
有了你在身旁笑的臉龐　世界或許就這麼寬廣
to have you smiling by my side, perhaps the world just became wider

＊忽然就忘記了慌張　人海之中你最明亮
Suddenly forgotten about being anxious, you shine brightly in the sea of people
　無意間的影響　漸漸擴張　你豐富我生活感想
Unexpected influrence gradually speading you have enriched my feeling about life

＃何必尋找所謂的天堂　原來我　因為你　不想再去流浪
Why go search for heave, because of you I no longer want to drift arond aimlessly
　情願平凡　不擁有一切也無妨　有了你　在心上　依然是天堂
rather be ordinary even if I dont have everyting, because of you in my heart, this is still heaven

Repeat ＊,＃

何必尋找所謂的天堂　原來我　因為你　不想再去流浪
Why go search for heave, because of you I no longer want to drift arond aimlessly
情願平凡　不擁有一切也無妨　有了你　在心上　已經是　
rather be ordinary even if I dont have everyting, because of you in my heart, this is already heaven
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is an old song, but it really touches me. It just prove how love can make the most oringal satifying and extraorindary. So that we no longer need to go and search for heaven. As heaven, is right here, in the eyes of our lover. Gosh... it makes me miss Aaron as I listen to it.

Happy Mother's day

2009-05-10T14:15:00.000-07:00

Today, we celebrated mother's day; here's a few pictures to show you what and who were there:)

Mum, we love you - happy mother's day!!

My recent food dairy... the daily living of a foodaholic LOL

2009-05-09T10:48:00.000-07:00

A prayer for my motherland

2009-04-24T12:30:00.000-07:00

God and Budha, I have a deep sense of fear today, now - sitting in my chair at home.
I pray that YOU will give my motherland the wisdom and courage to be a different kind of leader in the globe.
I pray that YOU will enlighten her people - for them to look in the eyes of their oppressors and who they oppress
And see all of them as human, just human, just like ourselves.

Lord, let us not forget what had been done to us;
And let us stop this cycle of oppression right here - with us;
Let us not do to others what we struggled against for!!!
For in many language, the common proverb exist about not doing harm to others that we do not wish upon ourselves.

God and Budha, how can we not see the power that is within us for destruction & construction!!!??
How can we not see what we are doing to others?
How dare us not see what is happening is what we experienced
And as a nation had been deeply traumatised by the very same experience we are responsible for others going through?

There is a saying in my motherland - all are brothers within the 4 seas of the world.
What does it say about who we are if this is the way we treat our brothers?
Are we better than those who had done it to us in history (or even continuing now)?

South African Election 2009

2009-04-23T22:38:00.000-07:00

I only decided to write about the election within the country after hearing why one of the nurses at work vote. She said she voted for the ANC because it is the party which gave her the rights to vote - for me, this is alarming!!

We can never deny the good that had been done by the Mandela ANC, the development in the country under the Mbeki goverment. But for the future, it is not necessarily who did the most good can offer the best future. But I suppose, this is my own views not the views of millions of other voters including a lot of the ones I know.

I just wonder about politics - what do we need to do and what can we know as citizen and myself as an OT

my journey of disability

2009-04-17T14:32:00.000-07:00

I was at a masters class today talking and throwing ideas around 'how do I really feel about disability?'...

I found myself silenced - this is a very interesting and strange phenomona - how can a health professional who fights her life and with her fellow collagues about disaiblity not have something to say immediately.

I pondered and the first reaction I felt was anger, injustice, hopelessness, sadness, gulit.... the list goes on. Then I asked myself, why did I ended up as a health professional - how did I ended up as an OT? The answer was obvious to me:

When I was small, I was a high achiever that hated people teasing other students around me about them being fat, stupid, lazy, useless and will not amount to much. My brother was one of those who were teased. I as a child couldnt stand by and watch others do this to others (the others who included my brother). Those whom are labelled are human beings just like others and myself were - we were all children,how can one child be so nasty to another one? It makes no sense at all. This was why my motto for a long time were -"to give hope to the hopeless and to help the helpless; never again shall I ever let them stand alone and be attacked in this world!!!"

What is deeper than the heroic picture of myself - is my marganlisation experience as a 7 year old who were perceived to have some incurable diseases because I was in Africa 1 week more than we had time for holiday. Nobody wanted to be my friend, everyone ostersied me and joked about how infectorious I was. There was that boy who I had fought cats and dogs with that year - it was him who sticked out his hand to me and said "dont worried, I will be your friend" as I cried out of frustration and hurt. I wanted to be that someone that stands by people who faces very difficult struggles and challenges in life.

Now ask deeper: what do I fear if that was me???

I fear loneliness, not having the chance to maxmising my achievement, not having the freedom to be, to do and to become who I wanted to be, I fear to be put inside a box where there is a ceiling enforced onto me saying "this is it, you will never be any better than this". No, I will not accept this is it, this is me and this should be how it is for people like me - i cannot let this happen to somebody else. It hurts so much for me, I would never wish someone else to received the same rejection, margelisation, othering that I experienced in a small incident.

Current affairs

2009-03-16T13:24:00.000-07:00

Today I am really suprised by my supervisor's comment that as if she had said finally, Anita is only human. This was said in the context of me having send her an email to apologise for being out of touch after getting married a month ago.

I am suprised because how often in my life I had people around me looking at me and go "wow, she works so hard like a machine". I remember this the most deeply as a high school girl who was so alone in her goal to become a doctor and focused only on that and nothing else. It scared every single 'normal' girl around me - many of them asked, how the hell do I work like this?? My dear, my answer would have been and will always still be 'cos' I wanted it bad enough - bad enough to put my life in the flame and burn it for what I wanted!!'

I am suprised because I noticed how recently I had not slowed down - I had just been spinning faster and faster to a point I feel my life is no longer in control. That I feel like I am getting mad too by talking to mad people daily, like their maddness rubs off on you & now you becoming more like them - so who's normal now? Working at a psychiatric hospital is a blessing, it is an absolute blessing in the sense that you have to reflect and examine your own values, beliefs and perceptions all the time.

Recently, I came across a case where the pt attempted to dig his/her mother up from missing her so much - this really sadden me, that there is nothing else in the world this patient could find hope in; that he/she is absolutely desperate to have the support from his/her deceased mother. How cruel is the world to someone who feel this lonely? I bet very!!

God, I, Ka Yan; shall never give up!! I will never give up in bringing hope in others' life - no matter how hard this is at times. I dont expect the impossible from myself to give joy and hope but I wish I may be God to them - that through me, they see their God - the light at the end of the tunnel and if it's not their time to see the light, for them to know that somebody understand how hard it really is.

It is very tought for me at the moment, with 2 assignments due next monday and the monday after that. One half done and the other unstarted. And today I had a very hard day with really trying to provide therapy to patients but they are just not getting it (despire they all say how much they enjoy the way how I put things). I feel inadequate as a therapist - why would they get it? What's wrong with the way I am putting it? But I will not give up and I shall not fail! It is a difficult journey but if there is anybody in the world that has the stubborness, the will and power to do this, it would be me. God, I am small and I am insignificant but I have the power to pour out positive light into this world and I can make a difference - even if it's only one patient in my entire career as an OT, it is one person living more positively and that I consider my job well done.

Like I had said many many great many years ago, giving up does not exist in the dictionary of Ka Yan Ho (Now Hess). It still does not exist~ even at times I have to say this with my knees bent from stress and facing difficulties !

4 MORE WEEKS TILL BECOMING MRS HESS

2009-01-06T11:04:00.000-08:00

I still cant believe how little singlehood is left in me before I am the offical Mrs Anita Hess. To be 'Anita Hess' is something that I am still trying to get used to seeing that this is a very English name for a very Chinese girl. It just seems odd I guess:)

Currently, Aaron and I are writing our vows and speeches. It is very exciting task and challenging@@. I enjoy being so creative about this and I hope it turns out right.

Watch this space:D

28.12.08 22.45

2008-12-28T12:52:00.000-08:00

28.12.08 22.45

I sit here in my bed with my laptop on top of me after a very satisfying holiday at my love’s parents holiday cottage just an hour out of town but also remembering two members of the community who had recently passed away in a car accident on the 23rd Dec, 2008 around this time of the night.

I would like to spend a few moments of silence thinking of them and their lives as part of mine as I grew up since coming to this country where I am at now.

Sad, tragic, sudden, unfair etc are some of the words that came straight into my mind as I reflect on them. I have heard myself and others asking, “how could have this had happened to these two?”. Blaming was tried but it would never work for the driver was also a victim himself in their car who now has to shoulder the guilt and anger for the death of his mum and a family friend of his. Blaming the other driver, no it will not work either for we shall never know how and what really happened. Yes, maybe he drove too fast and maybe he was drank but people are gone and they are gone forever.

I am shocked and I do not want to believe this is it, I will never see them again since the last time one of them came to my engagement party in March 08. It was just the other day, my parents might have thought of bringing the invitation to my wedding around to them.

My mind is still saying…. “no, this can’t have happened; this cant be true. It can’t be them!!”. God, how do you want us to make sense of this all? Is there just one lesson in life to learn in here? The fact that there is (and never needed to have) a reason why bad things happens to good people, shit happens!! Being good does not mean you would be immune to bad things occurring to you or around you. God, this is a lesson I know you are trying to teach us but it is very hard for stupid human like me who is stubborn and rebellious – who want to fight this and want to fight fate and destiny as prescribed by you.

Let us remember these two members of the community. May them rest in peace and that they watch over the survivors of the accident so they may have a speedy recovery and that time may eventually heal this wound. Amen!

Grand Gift Exchange

2008-12-05T12:08:00.000-08:00

Tonight, Aaron and I went through an important Chinese traditional wedding preparation ceremony called the Grand Gift Exchange. This ceremony symbolises the official engagement of a couple in my culture. This is also a signal for parents can start giving out the invitations for the wedding.

It was a very simple and informal ceremony in action. Aaron arrived with his godmother Sarah at 5pm today with beautifully packaged gifts in their hands for my family. And I, on the other hand, were to impressed my husband to be's family with lots of impressive cooking!! Luckily my mum had really helped me out:)

Through it is the prepartions that really took some time and effort to get done. There were a long list of everything that need to be bought in two's or four's symbolising mostly sweetness, togetherness forever, longitvity, prosperity, luck and weath.

It was a very very speical day:)

Started at VBH today

2008-10-13T07:16:00.000-07:00

Gosh... I have started working again officially and ending my unemployment of 5 months & having turned down about 3 or 4 other offers before landing on this one.

Way to start a first day, a pt went completely naked (fortunately I wasn't right there inside where it was happening). Eiesh how lucky was I to already get this on a first day.

Discover I got 4 wards of 100 pts!!!! ahhh how the hell am I going to see all of them. I feel in demand and now I can sing Britney's song that goes "...you want a piece of me". God, help me to see all of them somehow!!

Challenges and opportunities, here I come!!!

Decisions decisions

2008-10-02T01:49:00.001-07:00

Hi Blog

Now, I know the feeling of have something that you want and you have yet you cannot take.

It has been amazing that I have been offered so many different jobs in the last few months in different settings where OT may work. The latest is the one that I wanted the most. Yet I feel like I cannot take the offer seeing that I am afraid of the amount of work that will be involved concerning an area I know I suck at...

Sigh~~ I really do not know how this is going to work out. I just really need more leave than some of these people can give:( I understand them and their point of views but it remains a reality that I am needing more than what i am offered....

Someone help~~~~!!!!

Being the light and source of positive energy

2008-10-01T12:25:00.001-07:00

Being the light and source of positive energy

I dont know why, but I feel the need and urge to remain positive and overly positive when someone around me is experiencing a downward trend in their lives around me.

Someone I know had received bad news about their health recently. While my whole family feel sad about it for this person, I try to instill hope. It feels like my responsibility to give that hope. I need to and want to give that hope... Perhaps it is because I don't want to feel the despair myself and let it drag me down, but I also want to be a source of positive energy for the negative situation so others may hold onto me for hope. This is not become I want to be desired for, but it is done in the sake of the person who received the bad news as others are bounded to act uncomfortably around him/her.

God, may I be the light and the source of hope for those who needs it. I questioned whether I did the right thing or not (the advices/the lack of it) that I gave. I do mental bargainning with God to give him/her a second chance. This person is much a honest human being with dignity, through he/she maybe silly and stubborn at times. This is a fine specimen of human being - does this individual not deserve a 2nd chance?

Is there really no room for negoiation at all, my God? I wish... I wish there is something we can do. What can I do to help?

From this story, I felt like I want to cry because I love life!! I value life!! I value the life of everyone and everything in the world... To know that a life may end in the visible future, it sadden me deeply.........................................................

feeling heavy and sad about my mark :)

2008-09-15T05:38:00.000-07:00

Hi blog... Another down spiraling of life, I got a 48% from an assignment today back from class. It is a bit of an ouch.

It makes me feel heavy when I thought of it in relation to my current life. My first thought was 'gosh ok so I have to work harder at the next assignment'. This is crab when I think about my proposal that needs to be in 1st October, my next assignment, me supposively starting work on the 1st Oct and trying to sort out wedding/next year things on my own here while Aaron is overseas. I feel really alone with little help from others. This is a lonely battle that I am fighting......

It is disappointing to me as most of the people who knows me would know that I am highly competitive, hardworking, perfectionist and self critic. Even through I know that 48 is a number and is of no reflection of how competent or good I am really but it is still diappointing as it is frustrating for me to be unable to express myself. I have so much knowledge and ideas sitting in my head that I seem slow to act or unable to tell what I want to say.

One of my classmate was very nice, she noticed how disappointed I was and gave me a little chat and bought me tea to 'cheer me up'. I am grateful for her kindness however I only wish I can be less critical of myself. And this is something I know that will never be done unfortunately.

Sigh... Anita things takes time to come. Try to be patient~~ when are you going to learn that?

Back again in the spiral of fear and anxiety about unemployment

2008-09-04T02:22:00.000-07:00

I am into my unemployment now for about 3.5months. I am feeling the anxiety about still yet to settle on a job. I was offered 2 in August which I turned down. I am sitting in the beginning of Sept, knowing I have done that right thing for myself yet still feel like a bit of an idiot.

Stress level is really just going up at this stage in the face of up and down's. I am feeling as if I was in a roller coaster going up and down and doing flips and flops@@.

Let's just hang on Anita, you can do this!! You are the most stubborn and determined person I have never knew, never give up is a phrase that is constantly kept being referred back to in your life. Never give up!! What is worth doing is never easy and nobody had ever promise life was going to be simple if you wanted excitement and challenges.

I know it doesn't have to be painful; but it certainly has to involve perseverances before whatever one may desire can be gained!! Like Churchhill said it, 'if you going through hell, keep going.'!!

Batman/the Joker.... The Dark Knight

2008-09-02T12:07:00.000-07:00

I went to watch the much waved about movie: Batman, the dark knight in the cinema today. I found it a rather deep movie which left me with a sense of saddness and loneliness as it ended.

The batman and the joker are two side of the coin as seen in the alterned face of Harvey Dent. They are all in us. The good and the envy. Just like flipping a coin to make a decision; we behave like a hero or a villian just as randomly as that. But most of us are too afraid to flip that coin to be that hero or that villian in life!!

Those who are in power to do 'right' and the 'justice' possess the most power to abuse and be the villian. How complicated and ironic it is that all of them are in each and one of us.

When I saw Harvey Dent, Bruce Wayne and The cop chasing and fighting for justice; I ask myself how hard am I prepared to fight for justice and equity? Am I really prepared at all? Would I fight evil at all? I find it hard to do that automatic thing in saying 'sure yes of course I will fight it with everything I have got.'. I am afraid I am far more honest than that, I am far honest in doubting myself to fight for justice. If I fight, who's justice am I fight, is it for the justice of good or evil?

Good and evil are the shadow of one another, when one shines with the light the other hides. It seems a never ending losing battle fighting on either end of this all. Some what pointless......

Then I consider the two: Batman (Bruce Wayne) and Joker (with no name). Both have my pity as I felt their loneliness for fighting for their ideals and wanting the world to see itself the way they see it. Two lonely soul on an eternal battle and journey side by side together.

Never, one thing I didn't like was this: does evil has to be mad? I am the first to disagree!! Evil needs the coldest, calmest and intellengent soul to exercise it. Pure maddness would not do it! You think it has no rules? I dont think so either, there's at least two... 1) Break every rule and 2) get close enough to extinguish good but never do it as evil exist because of good and verse versa.

Farewell, Heath Ledger, the brilliant joker... You made it conviencing that evil has its own face. You made it conviencing to the world of your brillaint acting. I take my hat off for you!!

Brain dead... certified 13:44 due to over-exhaustion

2008-08-29T04:37:00.000-07:00

I really feel like my whole body and my whole brain/head/mind/soul is just draggin on the floor there as I am trying to push myself forward to work. It's crazy how hard I am pushing myself, I feel like I am pushing myself over the cliff and is actively killing myself in this process.

So; so far I feel brain dead and feel like I am in a coma and doesn't want to move or do anything. I wonder if I can continue like this for another year at least. I had an extremely busy week with nothing planned on my timetable in my diary at all. 3 interviews, thesis proposal yet to be done (1st draft) and got yet another assignment due 2 weeks time.

GOD~~!@!#!$@!#$!@%!$# I just want to SCREA~~~~!!!! Arrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggg.....

Beep beep beep... I shall continue being in my coma until my brain want to work again.

Talk about romatics!!

2008-08-28T05:46:00.000-07:00

A South African farmer decided to burn his proposal to his occupational therapist girlfriend on the field near his farm last weekend. I wonder what the carbon foot prints will be for burning so much plants, but hey; HOW ROMANTIC!! Eiesh, I am jealous in a sweet way:)

Thumbs up OTs!! We are the lucky girls:)

Watching for Natalie in Olympics 2008

2008-08-19T19:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I couldn't sleep, today I woke up from my sleep to watch for my old friend. Through she's no where in the front at the momemnt in the race, but I have faith in her. I simply believes that she is a winner in her own right and yes I think and I believe she will win a medal from the race. I really think it is possible.

GO GO NATALIE!!!! SOUTH AFRICA IS BEHIND YOU:)

Tonight I couldnt sleep

2008-08-18T15:22:00.000-07:00

I am feeling very sick from coughing and flu yet I lay awake and unable to sleep.

I was listening to some music and ended up missing my passed on relatives and started to cry. I know this is when I am stressed. I missed them and I start crying when I am in a very stressful situation.

This concerns me slightly as it's been so long yet it doesn't appear I have come to terms with it totally. And it is a sign of high intensity of stress symptoms for me. I just wonder how much longer do I want to drag them with me as a burden to us all. If I dont move on, it is hard for them to move on too cos' they would be worried about me. This is where I remembered one of my patients in coma who I really still believe he told me with his eyes the way he looked at me before he died..."I don't want to fight anymore, I want to go, let me go... I can't do this anymore and please accept this."

Love, I dont want to you continue with this burden. Please drop it here, right here and move on. I promise you that you will not forget them by dropping them off here. They are still with you even through you drop them off here! It's laughable how many times I tell others to let go and it is so hard to do it yourself!

So many times and so many people had told me to stop being so hard on yourself. I wish I can stop but I am like an addict to self critic, I wish I can stop and start looking at myself as equally and kindly as I look at others. For god's sake, you are not a saint so why are you expecting yourself to be one?!! How come everybody else can have reasons not to do stuff yet you will not let yourself to have any excuses at all? Please, you are only human and you know it!!

God, I dont hate myself. I love myself alot in fact but I am not easy to love. I am difficult, always competing for the best/perfection in my own sense and good is not good enough. I believe there's a life lesson to be learnt here and I hope to find it soon. Gd nite:)

Never give up even in the face of impossibility and difficulty

2008-08-17T02:58:00.000-07:00

I know I must have been one of the easiest to end up in tears kind of person in the world (through to add, I use to suppress so much of it when I was in high school). Tears wanted to rush out of my eyes as I read about the above picture in the SingPao newspaper from HK today.

As you can see, there are a diversity of people of all background and health status getting married in this photo above. One thing is common is the joy and happiness that is evidenced in their smiles on their faces. I feel the true joy for them too!! As I read on the article, this is an organized event from a NGO in HK to help 19 couples with diverse impairments in celebrating their relationships. These couples did not have a chance to have a grand wedding earlier on in live due to varies reasons e.g. parents' objection, financial difficulties etc.

It gives me the courage to face my own difficulties that I am experiencing in life right now. What am I complaining about when I have all working limbs, mind and body?! I know it is tough with job choices/offers at the moment but it's not all that tough when we put ourselves in perspectives in comparisons to the hardship the above people have gone through.

As an occupational therapist, this is why I feel on top of the world joyful for these people getting the acknowledgment for their love and relationships!! I am truly happy for them and wishing them all the best in life in my heart!

I was never born therefore I will never die

2008-08-14T12:51:00.000-07:00

Today I had an inspirational lecture with the business management and leadership lecturer as part of my courses. He said something very profound and interesting - 'I was never born therefore I will never die."

We were discussing about who is 'I'? When we say "I do this... or do that XYZ", who is this "I"? I am not my body as my body belongs to the 'I'. I am not my mind as 'I' can observe my mind. So who is this 'I'?......

As he spoke, I imagined a little dull and dark metal box within myself that contains a little bit of light which resides within my heart, my soul and my consciousness. This is me!! This is 'I'. I am the spirit that lives in my soul (the box) who controls my mind and body. The spirit is eternal and is not made up of the materials of this world yet my body is (it contains all the carbons, oxygens, etc that is the same in a tree or a dog) and my mind is full of thoughts of this world~!! Yet the 'I'..."me" is not of this world, I have always knew i don't belong here and I am a stranger away from 'home' on my 'body and mind' journeying through the world in my time (life).

The reason I am writing this right now is I felt angry with my brother who had a nasty comment on something I said. He was like on a reflex and 'judged' my comment immediately 1 sec after I said it. I suddenly remember what the lecuter said, if I am the spirit in my soul, why would this anger me and upset me? It's not hurting me, it's hurting my ego! It's like someone saying that you got an ugly car. Sure well it's not nice that you think my car is ugly but hey it's only my car... it's not going to hurt me, right?

God, it is hard for me to just 'passively reflect' on this and anything tony has to say negatively about me/the rest of my family. I tried and I will try again to just let it play out in my mind. When I tried just now, I saw a very angry brother of mine and the next image was him crying, frustrated and hurt bending down to hold himself. I suppose I can still get hated for being so 'on top of it all' and seemingly always happy and content - (may seem stressfree to him I guess).

God, I wanted to run back into my room just now when he expressed his negative judgment towards my comments. I remember myself doing that many a times before this as an action to run away but I have now changed... I went back to my room to reflect on this, remember all the feelings it evokes in me and my ego. Love, I know you are worried about him: you are worried that I will change and improve every time I reflect and learn from myself and my feelings... yet will he improve on himself? will he see and rise above himself? God am I expecting too much of myself and others around me? Am I being as stupid and irrorant as those who I may regard as not enlighted or awaken? Or worse, I am even errogant?? (now that's very problematic!! more so than those who are just asleep!!)

Olypmics at Beljing

2008-08-08T12:02:00.000-07:00

I was overwhelmed by emotions when I saw Natalie Du Toit leading the way for the South African Team at the 29th Olympics in Beljing today.

She is a real inspiration for everybody, abled and disabled; young and old. And to think I had the pleasure of knowing her as a fellow classmate was unbelievable for me. It is sad that it seems like we have lost contact as soon as she left my school for another high school. In the process she lost a leg yet gained so much more (at least that's what it seems to be).

I take my hat off for you Natalie!! Go Natalie, I am confident in you and am crossing my fingers that you will win a Gold Medal in this Olympics!!!

I call upon you for strength!! My teacher my patient

2008-08-06T03:22:00.001-07:00

Hellooo Mr MN

Today I call upon you for strength, my teacher... my patient. We worked together for 2 months fighting every moment of the remaining time of your life in the ward. I can never forget you.

As I am about to go for an interview to be a surgical OT at a very exciting setting tomorow, I cannot help it but to think of you because the nature of my work there would be similar to what I did with you. So I call upon you for strength and wisdoms. That so I may answer wisely and truely to the fullest of my abilities. And to apply what I have learnt from working with you in my answers tomorow.

It is not an easy area (or the most natural perhaps) for me to work as an OT in a surgical setting but I like it. I think I like the challenge of struggling with what I do not know how to do or handle even through I stress and scream and cry about it all the time. But I smile when I have achieve it and earn that knowledge. And I like it more now because of you, because of what you had taught me...those most valuable lessons of life as a person and as a therapist.

So give me the strength to be me as a therapist, may I be ever true to myself in my personal and professional life. Wish me luck for tomorow!!

How to be a mindful activist with and for people with disability?

2008-08-01T06:22:00.000-07:00

31.7.08
How to be a mindful activist with and for people with disability?

This is the question that is biggest for me having gone through both exciting and stimulating lectures of rehabilitation and health economics & management. I felt that there were two very somewhat contrasting message stemming from each of them. From rehab, it is “we must fight for the rights of people with disabilities through activism” while in management; it is “be understanding and mindful in your own position (we were talking about being a manager)”. These two voices had been fighting in my mind, to be an activist or to be a mindful therapist; my answer is to be a mindful activist (perhaps cos’ I like to be as compassing as possible of everything and everyone).

I don’t have an answer to this question and I don’t except to have an answer ever. The only hope I have is to have sound multiple guess at what the answer may be in my life.

I find it difficult in knowing there is a call for therapist to be more an advocate and more an activist but are we equip to be one and should all therapists become activists? Then who will do the therapy?

There is this funny thing in the world called 'family'

2008-07-17T11:43:00.000-07:00

One of the biggest realization from my trip to Hong Kong was about family and I have a lot of thoughts and reflections on it today.

'Family' are the closest strangers one will ever meet and be with in the world when one is born and come to this world. You have no choice in who they will be nor the fact that they are closely related to you - whether you like them or not. However, I am grateful for the creator (maybe it be Buddha or God or whoever else that I may not know) for making me a family of interesting individuals of which some are loving, warm, kind, caring while others are strange, rude, demanding and weird. Through so opposite, they all exist in one family; isn't this interesting don't you think?

I am someone who had been away from my hometown for 10 years until my recent visit; families are all I have got there even through not everybody is still alive that I knew as a child. Some had received me with great joy and love while others didn't seem to tell any difference whether I was there or not. This image warms my heart while it also breaks.

But God, I am determined to look on the bright side of every incidents that occur in my life. I am still grateful for those who love me after my 'disappearance' for 10 years, I have long to feel part of a bigger 'family' than my own immediate one. I think I now know what it means to be family. On the other hand, it is sad to see my invisibility to some part of my family. Gender inequality was rather clear and seemingly the social norm. The 'drumstick' phenomena hurts deeply as I understand the underneath meaning of the action. It is sort of a statement that says 'who cares if you are going to wed 'out' of the family soon and hasn't been around for 10 yrs, men are still more important' (even through they cause so much trouble and do so little while farting around). It also hurts when my offer of food (it's in Chinese culture for respect if done by a younger person to an older one or it represent love if it's the opposite) to a particular individual was rejected after much struggle within myself. Through I kept comforting myself tht I am proud of myself for stepping over my own limitation and boundaries; I know this is going to take a while for me to journey out of the pain it provokes in me.

God & Buddha, allow me to understand and be open hearted so that I may endure pain and suffering of the world brought upon me by myself or others directly or indirectly as well as intentionally or unintentionally. I ask that you will also give me the confident and strength to voice myself when it needs to be stopped and learn from all that I experience through life.

Lastly, thank you God & Buddha for my family; for both the loving ones and the not so understanding ones. At times they may seem demanding or challenging, but I trust that you have tasked me to face them all as learning and growing opportunities.

3 days in China

2008-07-09T01:04:00.001-07:00

It had been a rather unsuprising visit to China this time after 10 years away from 'home'. We didn't get up to much in these 3 days, we skirted around the complex where all my relatives live in the same streets within it - so far I remembered, eating food, playing cards, chatting to cousins and the major event of going to visit my great grandmother and grandpa at their graves on a rainny day.

However, I think one can regard this as an occupational illness; I did a lot of observation and reflection of what I heard and observed. It saddens and frigthens me - some of these seemingly possibly normal imagine and reflection of normal every day society of china today.

1) you will hardly ever see any children in the streets playing together. Firstly, there just isn't enough of them around under the one child policy and secondly if they do exist; they are hidden at schools all day (until 6 pm or 10 pm at night). I wonder what can one learn within the walls of schools except academics for that long!! At some point I am sure the brain stop working. What kind of life is this at the most enegetic and exciting moments of youth?

The pressure to compete and do better than one's best takes children's breath away.
The mixture results?? In rebelious youth who will not listen to their parents or make any beneficial and responsibile decisions that is good for their own future. And yes, if they need/want to try out drugs, not go home and become part of a gang - so be it; that's the path they will follow. The society is ill and it is sick - who can be the doctor that maybe able to fix this?

2) relating to children, the attitude and interaction between adults and the perceived children also took me by suprise a little. Some parents 'love' their children too much (unable to disipline them) vs. others would chat with friends in resutrants completely ignoring the child who is desperately looking for affirmation and attention from her mother.

3) The wealth of the few and povetry of many hidden faces - the ugly face of materialism

It is suprisingly infrequent to see 'poor' faces in Shenzen even through I am sure of their existence. I somehow wonder about the voice they have in this society - probably not very loud I guess (well it's not like I can validify this with them seeing they are so hard to find). The amount of wealth the wealthy people have - from the clothes they wear, the designer shops they buy things from and the cars they drive. My only response... is silence.........

A day on the Peak of HK

2008-07-04T09:52:00.000-07:00

Uncle Min, Mum, Tony & I had spent a day on the peak of hk. We visited the peak itself, taken photos of the view of hk central; saw waxed figures in the musesum there(some people look so real that it scared me a bit).

I felt I have eaten so much food that at the end of the evening (for the whole trip back in hk) that I want to quit eating for the next month....@@

Here's photos from the peak and the wax figures musemum on top of the peak

2.7.08 - a journey to the oldern days through modern times

2008-07-02T10:03:00.000-07:00

Today we did a few admin stuff in the area where I grew up...

Through it seems so ordinary, it was very heart warming I thought.

First time we did was to go and visit the doctor that I used to visit twice a month for my weak lungs and nose. That doctor is so so great, I think he really is such a friendly and good doctor. No much thing as a status ego thing that some doctors have.

Secondly we went to a shop where my mum bought a watch for my dad as a kind of an engagement gift like 25 years ago; it made me even wanted to buy a watch from them too because of the shop's significant. :)

It was a remmencience day. It felt very good!

1.7.08: a day in Macau

2008-07-01T10:10:00.000-07:00

1.7.08 a special festival in HK as it is the day that HK returned to China 11 years ago. And it is the first time that I am actually in HK when it is this time, however I have spent most of my day with my family in Macau for a one day tour......

A few of the very famous landmarks of Macau

These belongs to a old mansion of the Lu's family in Macau from the Ching Dynasty

These belongs to a street where they try to show the styles of the olden times of Macau as well as mixing a bit of a few famous buliding of the world:

View of Macau - the city

A look at the one million and one casino there exist is in Macau:

Didn't get up to much today 30.6.08

2008-06-30T08:52:00.000-07:00

We didn't get up to alot today, we went to get my shoes which was so nice!! However we spent a lot of time looking at evening dresses (but wasn't happy with any) for me.

I only took one picture of a desert that four of us shared today as follows:

I didn't feel so well today, bit dizzy and hot. Hope I am not going down with something @@

Revisiting the graves of my relatives after 10 years

2008-06-29T06:45:00.001-07:00

29.6.08

It was a rainy day today, which is kind of suitable for the mood I was in before I even got there. I found it the most strange that I was blinking tears as I participate in the preparing and yet when I was there: no tears came, I was brave and faced with the reality which felt so foreign
I found the preparation very interesting, it reflects so much about modern living (they sell paper mobile phones, electronic cards, hi-fi etc for burning to offer to the deceased) as well as about culture and the pscyhology of the living. I saw many of the items and papers had 'lucky' words written on it e.g. "turning luck for the better" "the higher spirit solving our suffering" and "wishing all to go smoothly and according to our wish".

Here's the stuff we bought in preparation:

Here's the view from the middle section before we reached where my deceased family was:

Here's some action of offering:

Stopping off at the Shatin's Inn, a hot spot for people of my mum's generation - my mum and uncle has been there before. We were there for lunch (I had draught beer & Sketers)

We visted a koi 'farm' and the wishing tree after lunch, a tours of new territories only ended at 18h00. By the time we go to eat sushi at a sushi shop in Tuen Mun I was too tired to take more photos:)

2008-06-28T08:05:00.000-07:00

27.6.08

We went to the HK Histroical Musesum after I met up with my one and only friend in hk - Lina. Lina and I had so much to chat, It's amazing to still have such a great friend having been out of hk for so long!! It's a real treasure:)

After the musesum, we went to fetch Aaron and mine wedding invitation cards, it looks like nice:) I am very happy with them, got a bit of a chinese feel to it!! It reminds me that my days of singlehood is numbered@@

Dinner was a nice treat by small uncle and aunty.. we had some pizza - interesting way of cooking combination of herbs.

HK Wetlands Park & eating out for dinner 27.06.08

2008-06-27T09:12:00.000-07:00

Mum, tony and I went to the HK Wetlands park today. I missed walking in nature with Aaron as I walked through the park. We went through it too quickly for my likings but I have taken a lot of photos there too. See as followings

Secondly, mum treated everyone in the family to a nice meal for dinner tonight. And afterwards, uncle min took us to a desert shop in sin-gin (?think it might be the wrong spellings). I had a mango bin~! here it is...

What will I write today? 26.6.08

2008-06-26T08:23:00.000-07:00

I didn't go out today (except for 20mins down the road to a fresh market with my mum to buy food to cook for supper).

I had a pretty uneventful day. I think the only thing that worth mentioning was that I went down to a common leisure place where I tried to work for an hour while 3 kids scream and shout as they play shooting games on pc's next to me.

It was interesting to chat with them. I love the fact that kids are so easy to talk to. As the old fossil that I think I am becoming with computer technologies, I had to ask the kids for help on the passwords for getting into the computer. It was very cute of them that they all wanted to help me. The funniest was one of them commented on the fact that I seemed to type very fast and kept looking at me type as I chat with Aaron online. A bit nosy I would say, however very cute:)

It is an image that saddens me when I ask myself in my mind - but.. where is the parents of the kids? These kids are playing unsupervised and there is no parents' participation in their playing life?? How on earth does that work? It saddens me in the background of hearing someone who's close to me is becoming rebellious (in the eyes of adults) while unable/unwilling to communicate with them. I am anxious for these kids whom are the boss of drug rehabs!!!

I have heard God blesses American and Africa, how about China?

Today I found the simpliest form of happiness in hk

2008-06-25T08:24:00.000-07:00

With the No. 8 Tynoon in hk today, I stayed at home for the marjority of the time today. Most of it, I was watching TV, being online and reading; however at about 6h30 my older uncle and aunty, mum, tony and I went to the local market down the road from us to do a walk about:) And guess what I found??? I found happiness in the simpliest paper wrapped cake at a bakery:)This is what it looks like...

My uncle was telling how it is very hard to afind them anymore as the shops move to make the more complicated ones to attract the hearts of the forever chainging people in hk. When I found the last one on the shelf there on its own after trying to find it in two previous shops, I felt like I was the happiest girl in the world. It wasn't the fact that I could buy my happiness at the cost of HKD$6 that made me happy. It is the memory I re-experienced as I discover the last paper wrapped cake on the shelf; I suddenly returned to the little curious girl who is content with everything around her, who experience everything with great joy and is able to truely feel what is important in life - that was happiness to me!! It really was the greatest feeling in the world I felt, as if I was on top of the world despite or inspite of whatever challenges and difficulties I could be facing at that moment in time in my life! I want to capture this on my blog and keep this treasurable priceless feeling within my heart forever:)

The other item of food that had fulfilled my happiness today was a coconut drink:)It is also something I used to eat alot in the hot hot summer in HK, it also brought back some great memories

This time being back in HK, after 10 years; I want to capture all the old stuff that used to be around in my times when I was a kid which is being getting rid of. I want to capture them before they displace through the gaps of time and before others will feel sad about losing them and wishing they still had what these different things represented to them.

Tomorow, I should continue to reexperience my childhood as an adult through my walking about in HK and taking photos of whatever that is old. Till tomorow, folks!!

HK Tours 24.6.08

2008-06-24T07:43:00.000-07:00

Helloooo folks, HK tours continued!!

Today we went to three different places that we didn't achieved much.

1) The goldfish plaza: where Tony went to see goldfish and koi fish stuff, however it was hopelessly small.

2) Dr Tsaung's store (pity i didn't take any photos of the guy): so that my mum can buy some very special stuff he invented for removing marks on clothes that are very very affective. Unfortunately, the last items of this goods were already booked and it is not being made anymore as the couple who used to make them had passed away and the 2nd generation is not making them anymore. However, it is so so special to see Dr Tung face to face as he used to be on TV that my parents' generation watch as kids where he will show housewives many tricks how to make their domestic work easily with his knowledge in chemistry. I have never met him when I was living in HK for all those years, so it really is the highlight of the day!! To meet an oldern days' celebrity face to face:)

3) $10 city in hk: so that tony can buy a koi kite looking orament that blows in the wind. However, once again; they didn't stock it either. It really was a bit of a funny day. I seemed to be the one that won today as I got two short shorts today.

Lastly, we went to pizza hut to eat. So I took some two photos of the food we were eating there:

I finally made contact with my one and only friend in hk, a school friend that I had only knew for 6 months face to face in high school here. I am excited to meet her on Saturady, yeah!!

Museum tour of HK museum of art and eating noodles at a shop always go in prinmary school 23.6.08

2008-06-23T10:20:00.000-07:00

Today, I will not say too much, I will let you see photos of the places I have been:
(Cos' I took too many photos today)

Goldfish street & Golden Coast 22.6.08

2008-06-22T20:14:00.000-07:00

Contiue with our trip in HK

Tony, mum, Aunty Maggie and I went to the Goldfish street and Golden Coast yesterday. There is a lot to write about coming out from a day:)

1. Goldfish Street
Let's see some pictures:

Through the trip was more intersting for Tony, however I saw a few interesting things as well. The highlight of this trip was the "swelly tofu" for me. We bought some at the end of the Goldfish street at a tiny snack shop on the side of the road. You can see lots and lots of people coming to buy some "fish eggs", "swelly tofu" etc and eating in right there while standing on the side of the street. These little snacks are the favourites of many people in HK. It used to be available on mobile trolley on streets. People didn't have to pay very expensive rent for a store to have these mobile trolley, however when the policemen come, they have to run for their lives or face the jail. This reflects change in hk in the 10 years that I have been elsewhere. The change of little self run businesses on the side of the streets to more standardised modern business of material kind. It sadden me in a way that it almost killed the HK that many people in hk knew. Perhaps they willn't see this as a bad thing like I do as I appear to miss it more. It is sad to see an oldern part of our culture to get blow away from our lifes today.

2. Golden Coast
Let's first see some pictures

We went to a indian resturant in the Golden Coast by the sea today. The meal wasn't special, however it wasn't as special as the wine we drank that night. It was a bottle of 1997 white wine that I found within the cupboards of my grandmother's at her old house. I think, for others; it may not seem special, however for a sensitive person like me, I show the significance of it so BIG in front of me.

I felt like she was there with us, my grandparents and my greataunt were there having the family meal with us. That was so so special. It felt like, through the wine; there was a bridge that connected me as an alive person with the dead.

Grandma, Grandpa and greataunt; how much do I miss you??? I miss you alot, everyday and every night......

川龍 & Disney Land 21.6.08

2008-06-22T09:28:00.000-07:00

Continue with my time back at HK

On the 21.06, my uncle Min, mum, my brother and I went to a very interesting tea place in the morning. We had to wake up very early (6am). The food wasn't very special there and my brother expressed this certainly. However, I found it special, it is the country olden day feel about it that was so so special. It is like a rare gem in a huge mountain of sand.

So, what's so special about it? Unlike the modern and urbanised tea places in HK; most things are DIY and serve yourself style which was very classic of the olden times in HK. We got there, didn't know where we can sit or if it will be arranged; one of the working ladies there just said without even looking at us - "sit wherever you like." Additionally, you make your own tea and go and get from the counter whatever dumplings or dishes you want to eat. The waiter will ONLY bother you when you call them to come to add up the bill for you to pay them. It has a bit of a dirty wet surrounding, you hear the voice of middle age women and men talking loudly about their world. Yet, that wasn't all. You also hear an orchestra of true swallows and "fake" swallows - the sound of the bird singing within their cages next to their dumpling eating owners while the "fake" swallow (a.k.a. majong) being played by locals in the building next door. It was a very special trip, very interesting.

### The first two pictures above is taken at the family house of a surname in the village there.

Although our day had a early start but it ended rather late. Tony and myself got toured around Disneyland by Aunty Connie and Uncle Denny. I know both my brother and I think we were too old for disneyland where kids are in heaven, however it was so amazing. Especially the true people dancing shows were very very amazing; every turn there is a suprise, there was no time for a breath to be taken in between. It was interesting to observe how happy the kids were, more suprisingly; how the adults get to be kids again within Disney was priceless. I wished I had a day in there just taking pictures of people playing - I think it would be so amazing to capture happiness like that.

Disneyland really symbolise forever happiness, a kind of happiness only children are capable of experiencing without being pull back by gravity of the reality of the world around them. However, I somewhat feel the contrasting saddness to what I see while I was in Disneyland. Perhaps it is how happiness seemed to need assimulation - happiness comes with a price tag of HKD400 per day...... This really is something I would spend alot of time thinking about - how costly exactly is happiness? Where and how do one find and get to experience happiness?

Linking the above theme of happiness, recently I watched a Will Smith film called "the pursuit of happiness". It speaks so loudly to me the search and pursuit of happiness that is engaged by the majority of mankind!!! Some of us think money, status and material can provide all we need. Some of us think it is the love for family, our partner or the creator (may it be God or Budha or whoever/whatever else one believes in). Are we going to right way? IS there such a thing as the RIGHT way to get to happiness? As an OT, happiness, quality of life and meaning is the core of life for me. I wish I know the answer to this question.

Perhaps, allow me to dare to try and answer by saying the following......
Maybe, happiness is like that happyness that was in the "pursuit of happiness". Within the film, the character played by Will Smith kept saying to the chinese kindergarden teacher that "happiness is spent with an 'I' NOT a 'Y'" and the lady just ignored him. What I am suggesting is, maybe; happiness is happiness if one feel it even when it is spelt with a 'Y'. I.e. everyone's happiness is subjective just like what we think, we feel happy different so we pursuit it differently. Therefore we need to pursuit what we think/know/feel will make us happy for our only happiness not what the "standard" of happiness that get set as the 'norm' by one's culture or society. To give an example, the common belief is (well at least the chinese as i have experienced as a child) that you need to have all the material things, a car, a house, a good family and lots of nice stuff.

Happyness can cost nothing and can also cost you everything!!

Back in HK Day 3

2008-06-18T20:14:00.000-07:00

It's strange to think that I haven't been back to my home country for so so so long. In 10 years, HK really seemed to have changed. Everything that were familiar to me seemed changed and I would only recognised them as I look closely.

Through something doesn't change, family that are still there.... The materialism that goes around in HK. However, there is a difference to it - how some girls really dresses up as they walk in the shopping malls in their make up (they look very young, like 15-18). Maybe I am silly but I never expected people to be like this.

Another thing that seemed very interesting: salesman just wouldn't leave you alone vs. very rude waiters in resturant vs. "dont care about much" attitude of the general public in hk that just walk pass a poor drunk guy that my brother and I helped getting out of a fence. (it was a bit of a funny scene: he fell and ended up, in prone with his knees forced into flexion in the gaps between the bars of thefence that fell on top of him as it became unstable when he was trying to balance himself while feeling drunk). He thanked us a million times afterwards, shouting thank you down the street after we left. I kind of felt really sorry for him.

Anyways, I better go now. Till next time; folks!!

Farewell my uncle... you will be remembered...

2008-05-30T04:35:00.001-07:00

"Gods, they play us like flies..." (from King Lear), is life really this vulnerable that it will disappear whenever where ever?

Just like years ago, my parents got a phonecall...a call from overseas... from the home at 'home'

"No..you cant be servious.. No..that really sounds bad... I cannot believe this... No this cannot be true"

From the tone of voice of my dad and the words he says, through I do not know what the problem is but I knew bad news is on its way.
And this time......, it's my uncle (my dad's 2nd elder younger brother)...he passed away in his sleep just moments ago.
... ... ... ... ... ... tick tick tick ... ... ... ... ... ... ... tick tick tick, time passes by before I can react

This is my uncle who was the well known principle in the village that always had a smile on his chubby face. He is a few years younger than my father and he was very very scared of the doctor, injections, pain and pills. I didn't know him well, I have not had much of a chance to know him... I was so looking forward to meeting them seeing them (including him) again when I get back to hk in the next month. And now, the chance is over.... I shall never know him again or more than that blurry imagine of him again......

That's a tiny hole in my heart slowing spreading... yes, I didn't know him well but he had a place in my heart. Now that he is gone, there is a empty hole there; of which, I do not know what to fill it with?!?! Saddness maybe? I am sad for my grandmother who had to see her son going before she does (and I think this was her favourite son). Scared also? I feel scared for my cousin (uncle's son) who now has to shoulder the responsiblity for his mother (and possibly grandmother) as the man heading the Ho's family (well effective as Tony or my dad is never there with them).

What should I do? What can we do? When I asked my dad, he just said let me call mum to go in to see but beyond that there isn't much. I am also worried for my dad who has to see his brother go before him. I want to comfort my dad but his mask defend him from my touch... I suppose I will let him alone for now and keep an eye on him.

God... why do you play us like flies?? Are we not your children whom you created and surely love? Yes I know and had feared it since I was ten years old that we will all die one day, but why so sudden...... Couldn't it wait until I was back to see him?? Alright call me selfish here, but im angry for being robbed of my chance to know him better than I did for the past 24 years of my life!!

My uncle, go well and go in peace. We will miss you no matter how little bit we will miss your presence amongst us......

27.5.08

Unemployment Day 1

2008-05-21T05:57:00.000-07:00

It is just odd, this is my first official day of unemployment after I have quit my job last week (needed to give one week's notice). It is not as relaxing and calm or inactive as I hope to be.

Though I woke up later today (which is just so nice); I had been busy running around at university for different admin for the masters I am doing. Got home at 2h00pm, started to sort out some wedding stuff and is now waiting for the insurance guy to come (had just remembered I forgotten to call the bank@@)

With 9 days to go before my next exam assignment is in (HAVENT START IT YET!!! ARRRGGG), it looks like I will have a very busy time in unemployment. However, I am anxious about relocating work again which is makes me veery nervous again. I remember the last time I was looking for work, it was very unpleasant.

Anyways, looks like i can write my blog a little more frequently now for awhile till i am back on track.. Chao till next time:)

I am so fortunate/content!!

2008-05-07T13:33:00.000-07:00

Hellooo Blog, it has been such a long while since I last wrote something on here. I was reading over what I wrote about previously and really started to say this within my heart that "I AM REALLY SO HAPPY, FORTUNATE AND CONTENT".

I am happy: I am happy for Natalie Du Toit when I saw the news about her getting to swim in the Olynamics 2008. I was so happy that I cried my eyes out when I saw the news!!! Nobody would believe me about the fact that she used to be a school friend of mine who sat next to me in biology classes. 3 cheers for Natalie!!! Natalie I am so so proud of you and you getting to swim in the Olynamics means alot to me. Not only because you were my friend but because what this means for people with disabilities/impairments when I think about this in my OT hat. No words can describe my joy and excitement on your news! :) Go go natalie, win some gold medals!!! You can do it!!

I am fortunate: despite I am under a lot of stress as a full time researcher at a major hospital in Cape Town for a NPO and studying part time masters and trying to get married in 2009, I can still say I am SO SO fortunate!! Just a week ago, I heard about someone else who's in my situation 10 times worse!! He is doing the same as me while paying off huge loan on two properties and raising a 8 months old baby and small family. Gosh~~ I shall never complain again in my life.

I am content: Through I am not somewhere in my life where I am happiest right now (esp in terms of work); I am happy that I have work and is able to support myself and husband-to-be while he's doing his full time PhD (oh yes, we are both nerds). Yes of course life can be better but hey; it's not so bad currently is it??

So thank you God (it's strange but I still call *you* God) for giving me the greatest skills to survive/adapt/enjoy life - positivity:)

I should be the person controlling my own happiness

2008-02-17T16:43:00.000-08:00

2h44am, I am wide awake... I woke up to my parents' voice, heavily discussing who should or should not be at my engagement party because they may go around to spread judgmental stories about my choice of husband.

God, I just couldn't sleep after that. What have I done to put my parents in a difficult position? Is it wrong of me to fall in love with someone not from the same race/culture/background? I am by no means Juliet or Romeo or perfect, but I knew that I am the only person responsible for my own happiness. I am sorry here, I got to be happy no matter what who says or think of me. I am not a saint and I WANT to be happy!!

God allow me to understand exactly what I am meant to learn here. I know I kept hearing you say that it's not me that needs to learn in this case, but it's hard to make sense of this at all. Maybe you are telling me "happiness is not bounded to happen to you, you got to make an effort to get it". No one has ever told me that life was going to be easy and I knew this from a young age that it wasn't going to be easy. Not for me, not for a stubborn strong hearted girl like me however I am very real and truthful!!

I have never asked for acceptance or approval of my "community", I don't even expect them to understand or be happy for me. It's okay, think what you want to think and judge me the way you desire to. It is not your thoughts or action that I am worried about. I only want my parents to be happy in this situation, that's what keeps me awake not those fools. How then my Lord can I help my parents?

Are they fearing for themselves about how to interact with the "community" or are they trying to protect me from the "judgement"? God, you said the biggest commendment is love. What can I do that will be loving to my parents? I really dont want to see them stress about me. it is hard for them, it is hard for me too to see them stress. The last thing I want is my family to feel their happy thoughts are being taken away by others.

God, am I being selfish here? I want to be happy and I want who I love to be happy. God, may you be the only one to judge me!! I may have done wrongs in the past and still to do more in the future but I am not afraid to see you and be judged because I believe you will judge me non-judgementally (I dont have a lot of faith but I have faith in this!!)

God, please let you be the only one to judge all of us!!

Today I just wanted to write

2008-01-26T14:28:00.000-08:00

Today, I just wanted to write, write about life and anything... I dont want to be positive or negative, or look at any glass of water to say they are half full or half empty.

I am sad today as I watched an argument turn racial in South Africa in the gym I went to. And yes, unfortunately the two side argument happened to be one black and one white. The argument (I dont really what to mention what it was about) soon turned sour and people started to point fingers, talking about no respect for self and the people involved. I am just sad about the hurt apartheid has caused this country, I am just sad about that it is still hurting people and will continue to hurt at this rate. I just really dont like this attitude of everybody owe you something that I have observed. Gosh, ok; yes someone might have done u wrong in the past, but if you dont move on you will never be free of the hurt it caused you. So what are you still doing holding so tightly on your hatred? Was good does it do for you?!?

God, I see the problem; but what exactly can I do about this situation? I really want to help but are those in need of my help willing to be helped? God, I am human and of course I am far from being like you; I dont think I have the patience or eternity time to wait for these peopl. What am I to do?

I am fed up with interviews for jobs

2007-11-28T00:56:00.001-08:00

I just came out of a telephonic interview with a special school. I am fed up with people undermining me cos' i dont really speak afrikaans.

I really think how much they believe in the children can be reflected on how much they would believe in me... esp in line with beethoven, churchill and einstein, as well as natalie du toit and terence parkin who are both local disabled persons who are olympics medalist in swimming.

Beethoven was deaf yet he made the most beautiful music,
Churchill had stuttering problems yet he was and still is one of the most influential politician in the 20th century,
Einstein was dyslexic yet contributed so much advance knowledge for our understanding of maths and science,
Natalie Du Toit, who in spite of having lost one leg; yet still a great swimmer in the olympics and faster than most competitive "normal" swimmers!!!!

it is about focusing on the ability NOT the bloody disability!! Gosh, therapist like us are suppose to take this to heart!! of course we all have strengthes and shortcomings...!! it's about maxmising on strengths and minimizing the effect of our shortcomings!!! Why cant people see it?!?!?!

I am very fed up now cos' they always ask about this... I may be "disabled" in one way, however I am enabled with another skills to overcome and compensate for my shortcomings, I live and cope no matter what...can u see that i am coping working in a place where i dont speak the language, i cope by using family members, staffs, other patients and of course my body/sign language to communicate with my patients and clients...

Sigh~~ when will there be someone who see this? Gosh if I think I was discriminated, I really wonder how people with disabilities are discriminated against... Sigh~~~

Thank you for the opportunity

2007-10-20T01:37:00.000-07:00

Thank you for the growing opportunity

I would like to thank the creator in this trying time for the opportunity for personal growth and strengthen my character. This is my attempt to remain positive in a very hard struggle.

It has been such an uneasy week for me. My house has been broken into twice, I had my first ever job interview ever with the result of not being called back for any further follow up on possibly getting the job while watching other friend getting all these interviews, I had patient care ethical issues of other medical team members to fight with and I had anxiety and stress from having found a job that I would really love yet wondering if people would employ me for it. Above all and happening parallelly, I am scared of not able to find employment and having to also perform a very hard splint on Monday which I need reading up on this weekend.

I am fortunate in the sense that I am suddenly hit with enlightment and able to be mindful and reflective in the situation. I realize this is the exact point of my last straw previously as a student where I would become so emotionally burnt out that I end up not performing and shinning my true colors. God, I want to stop this! I want to stop feeling everything is out of control and it’s a bad reflection of me if I cant control it. I realize how I seem to have place my self worth and my self value on a scale that I have not control over up to this point in my life. I was equaling my self worth to achievements and successes of the material world which has always been something I don’t like anyways!!! (Yes, me out of all people who hated material stuff!!!)

I know I need to be different this time. I need to be able to rise above this all. In fact, I need to detach my self value from this rat race and achieve calmness… to have the knowledge that “even if I don’t get a job offer to work as an OT right now, it doesn’t mean I am a bad person and a shit OT.” But how do I do this, I sit here 4h30 in the morning thinking…… I know this is the opportunity to learn a very difficult life lesson. But how? But how do I do this, God?

Do I just keep on positive thinking about….
“no, Anita; you are a great person and a great OT” or
“ You knew the stuff and you did show them to the best of your ability that you knew your stuff. But nobody can possibly know everything, come on; you are not God!!” or
“ You have the skills to be a great OT but maybe there’s something beyond skills that is beyond your own control that they are looking for (well in SA; how about the fact that I may be the wrong colour for BEE??)

Or is there something else I can do??

*** HERE ‘s MY BIT OF SELF CONVERSATION
Anita, you need to remember good things about yourself. Yes you are not the most experienced OT around here and that you don’t know everything there is to know about a certain aspect of your work. But you are knowledge thirsty and you are so keen to learn and to become better; it makes you the greatest candidate to become a good OT!!! May I remind you everything has its time? Now, this is the time you learn this NB life lesson; failure doesn’t equals to “I am a bad person”. Something not working is not always a negative reflection on your abilities. Anita, god helps us; you got to know that you are not that bad!! Most of all and let me count:

- you care so much about your patients and you do not give up on them.
- You listen to them and their families, you are able to give client centred treatments.
- You will take the initiative to learn and research to improve yourself
- You hold yourself accountable for the quality of treatment you are giving to patients. (and I think it is more often the case that you do not let yourself off the hook when it’s not your fault.)
- You are creative and adaptive, you do freak out but you always return to face the challenge. It is a rare occasion should you run and you don’t come back.
- You are reflective and you able to pick up your own shortcomings. You try to do your best in preventing it from happening in the future.

What I am asking you to do this time differently is to not going into the “shit, I don’t know and let me run to a safe place counsel myself and come back to deal with it”. This time, Anita; try facing it, try not to run. Acknowledge the fact that you are scared and what you are dealing with is un-humanly difficult but everyone go through some of them while other issues are just unique and you are one of the few that are dealing with it. And WOW, think about what faith the creator has in you to trust you to deal with it on his/her behalf… honey, you are answering people’s prayers everyday!! I want you to come out more confident, I want you to be able to say “well, the loss is not only mine if they don’t employ me” and to keep in faith to the knowledge that “the right job will come at the right time” and be patient with it while your environment work itself around you. I don’t want to see you breaking down to tears like tonight in the feeling of extreme nerves and anxiety but to cry acknowledging it is difficult to be where you are in your situation then go and move on.

Anita, don’t give up…. I don’t meant don’t give up in “fighting” but I mean don’t give up on yourself and start running away from the challenge. Don’t lose a battle that is not even fought yet! Don’t give up hope and don’t give into anxiety. Have faith in yourself, there is NOTHING and I repeat NOTHING wrong with you. Lastly, don’t blame yourself for things not happening or going your way.

God, help me to change what I can
accept what I cannot and
to have the mind to be able to tell the difference between the two.

Let me be the channel of your peace

2007-09-16T11:43:00.000-07:00

God I have seen so much suffering in my journey, it is hard to not get hurt from witnessing it through listening to the crippling screams from the suffered.

Let me be the channel of your peace so that I may bring light where darkness swallows souls and I may bring joy and hope to the sad and hopeless. God, I know how childish of a thought it is of mine wanting to put a stop to suffering. I know I am childish and I know I am naïve, but as a child I hope in faith that I will be granted with this gift. This is because I am only human, I cannot and am not capable to love the way you do. Neither am I able to be the ultimate observer that watches mankind destroys itself yet be uninvolved that Buddha suggests. I am of this world and am part of it, its movement has an impact on me no matter how still I try to remain.

And yes as naïve as I am, I believe I understand your love… Your love in the parent role, the ability and patience to watch men goes on making mistakes when they exercise their “free will”. To be able to hold the hurt, anger and hostility as they curse you, hold you responsible and blame you for their foolish acts. God, you are so fair that you are so cruel!! God, you are so full of love that you are so cold-hearted!! I know many will be puzzled at my statements about you, but I am not. It is hard to explain how I feel this so deeply about you, how I know you in an abstract yet real way. God, teach me to be more human so that I will not try to strive to be you because it is not possible. Buddha grant me the enlightment to be able to be the lotus that grows from dirty soils so I may “be” amongst the ordinary fellow humans.

Pls note that my idea of God is going to be very different from yours. My God is of a philosophy nature not of religion. I am perhaps yet to be saved in some’s opinions but I am none the less spiritual…a lot more spiritual than many and many think I am. And to understand my background where west mean east, this is why I cannot have a God from a religious nature where any one of “God” and “Buddha” may be excluded as an idol. For me, the ultimate truth is love…… Love is what makes my world real, it is my truth and my reality.

Truth

2007-07-08T03:24:00.000-07:00

Truth is a pizzle

Truth is a pizzle
A pizzle that lefts many confused and more pizzled
Every man think they got the "ulimate truth"
Yet to find out, one day
That they only hold a piece of the truth

You know it takes alot to see
Past that colours on your one piece
to see that other pieces exists!!

counting positive things...2 weeks ago

2007-07-03T05:14:00.000-07:00

Counting the good things that happens in this week

This “accounting” work is getting harder and harder as I sit in the office during this 21 day public servant strike as there is no stimulation from the outside world much at all. Although that’s the case, but I am still determined to count; no matter how difficult it may be……

I guess my relationship with the people in my department has improved a lot, at least I do not dislike anybody for any reasons at the moment. It is such a blessing to work for my boss Jenny, who I believe; has sheltered us from a big portion of the emotional damage this strike can have on us. It is great to know there is someone in the world that “rules” not by authority!! Should I one day become a manager of some kind myself; I want to be like her.

The other blessing that is linked to my department was that I have finally found a contact in the UK about going aboard and working there as an OT. I hope something good will comes of this young relationship too. I am very exciting about going overseas (once again, don’t forget I been overseas for 10 years now). However it saddens me that I have to leave my family in RSA when I go. I think there is really some degree of truth in what people says when they say “once you leave home, you will realize that your family was nicer than you think they were”.

And it is right, I have found that – I called my dad to wish him a happy father’s day last Sunday. He said something that he does not say frequently and very unlikely in person, he said to me “I will support your choice about next year whatever you decide on, but don’t forget my offer (he can easily work for another 6months and fund my 2 years masters)”. It is just touching to finally get to know the loving part of my father; I think it was the most wonderful father’s day gift I had ever received as a daughter.

Family related, I am finally feeling that I am kind of ready to marry Aaron. It is very heart warming being with him this weekend: D. And it wasn’t like anything very hopelessly romantic happened over the weekend. We went on walks and talked about God, we went to Chinese restaurant and had lunch there eating dumplings laughing out loud. I am so touched at how he attempts to love me the way I love…I found a little chocolate hiding in the back packet of my bag at work on Monday morning 

Oh yes, I found a lot of very important things in life last weekend. Besides family and future family, I also found my God. I have decided that my God do not belong to any religion but is a philosophy. My God is an observer and a listener – my God watches over me. My God do not believe in giving people blessings or punishments, as he/she knows that I am capable of counting my own blessings or punishing myself cos’ I was given morality. Therefore he/she does not get happy or angry or upset when I do something “right” or “wrong”. My God has no need to forgive or to judge, cos’ he/she simply watches me and walks with me in life. I feel so freed by this idea— this idea that God does not control myself and God is not responsible for my problems, I somehow felt my burden was lighter when I think of this.

Positive things that happened Last week

2007-06-05T01:06:00.000-07:00

Positive things that had happened last week:

As I have promise myself, I wanted to write about positive things in daily life more these days to help myself feel less depressed; so here I am counting my blessings.

But first I want to acknowledge how scary it really is to experience a strike in action. One never know where to turn or what to do to keep oneself out of trouble yet upholding one’s morality and ethics. It is a very hard decision to make. This week, I was faced with an ethical dilemma as the strike begins. While higher governmental employees are getting an increase of salary at a sickening rate, people on the ground level were offered a merely 6.5% (a so called inflation in lined rate). I can fully understand and agree why people should and would strike!! Yet as a health professional, it is illegal and unethical for us to be striking. This places us in a situation of “we vs. them”. The health professional are the “them” who go against the crowd, hence we are in danger. But on the other hand, how can I watch patient die if the strike gets out of hand? It really was a very hard decision to make…should I risk myself to help or not? It had been fortunate that nothing of very destructive nature is happening… We are really lucky until otherwise proven.

To begin with counting my blessings this week: There were 4 very heart warming incidences that happened to me this week. The first three were on Tuesday when I was at CHC clinic doing my job.

1) A mother expressed her concern and worries about “will there be nice people like you at the hospital? The people in the hospital don’t care as much as you did. Thank you.” It was very touching for me, for once; my service was well appreciated and I can sense that this mom will go home and do the home exercise programs I have demonstrate to her with her child.

2) An old lady in a wheelchair who had a long history of CVA had been really depressed. She came in for the 2nd time to see me, she asked me “doctor, am I going to be okay?” with her fearful eyes that shouts out to me for comfort and reassurance. I had to be firm and real yet caring, so I said to her “Mama, I am afraid that your stroke is going to stay pretty much the same as it is.” She replied, “I know doctor, I know that my body is old and it does not heal so well anymore.” I felt her last hope fading, I had to instill hope in her so I attempted, “Mama but God has not forgotten you, look at what a great family you have got. Look how much your daughter cares about you, God is still with you.” That moment, our eyes met and we connected. This had touched me deeply and I think this moment will always be remembered by me or perhaps her as well.

3) Lastly, with a gentlemen that is there to see us for the 2nd time with his daughter. The same complain from his daughter persisted, “he don’t do nothing, he swears at us and don’t cooperates.” But something told me that I saw the picture differently, because of the way he looks confused when we speak. I really felt sorry for him for getting into trouble with the OT students previously— he was so misunderstood!! At the end, what it was is that his hearing aid had broken so he cannot hear what you said to him and therefore he does not understand what is required of him which makes him look uncooperative. I was angry with the family but yet understood that his daughter must have been feeling tired and burnt out for looking after him while others in the family do not help much at all.

The positive moment came when Dini (my rotation supervisor) said to me “Anita, it was really sharp of you to have picked that up.” My reward for being quiet and quite an observer had finally come. After all, it is not all that bad to be an introvert who can sense and feel for others more easily. I felt that finally, in a world of extroverts (or pro-extroverts); being an introvert has its values and place.

The last one came in yesterday evening while I was queuing at the ATM for cash, a colleague that was due to leave for a HOD post in Joburg came queuing behind me. We chatted after we got our money and he asked my plans for next year. After I told him honestly about my plans, he said to me “well if my hospital had a post open, would you consider it?” I thought to myself, “wow! What a compliment in disgust!”. Despite we have not known each other for that long, he thought I was a good person to work with. It meant a lot to me that the world does not think about me the way I thought they would. Some people actually values me and likes me.

I know here I may sound like a depressive patient in a ward and I admit that my self esteem is not that great ever since I didn’t get into medicine. Further, I doubt myself a lot, not only because I am not the most confident person in the world but because I believe that I am much more all-seeing and observant than most so I want to be and am humble.

Looking at the world differently

2007-05-26T02:06:00.000-07:00

Last night, I was helping Aaron's mum Bridgid to "entertain" 14 students from the US that had come to South Africa to travel and do their practical for 8 weeks. We had a discussion group, Bridgid introduced the opening question "what is news worthy about today will you tell your grandchildren about your experience today in RSA?".

As they have visited the Freedom musemum and the constritutional cournt in joburg, alot of their experience related to their experience of visiting these places. We discussed about connecting sincererly with others in order to be human in spite of living in complete equality in such a diversed human race is not possible as the difference are very big. I couldn't help to think and wonder " is it really not possible? is peace really an ideology or a possible reality in the distant future?"

What had come out for me in this discussion was not about the students' experiences but the importantce to hold onto positive experiences and stories in our daily lives in order not to become depressed or negative about the world and mankind like I do alot in my writing on this blog page. It is clearly not helping me wanting to be positive while I continue to thinking too much about very little things.

I think today is a good day to start becoming more positive and records what positive expereince I have had in my daily life that was significant to me!

Zambia Experience

2007-05-23T12:05:00.000-07:00

Zambia experience

Recently, Aaron and his brother&wife plus I went to a sarafi lodge on Chete island in Zamiba for a holiday. I have been real busy so I haven't written about the experience yet since I returned on the 1st of May.

I must say, it was quite an experience of a lifetime. I came so so close to wild elephants and observed alot about the simple Zambian village life around the market place where we had to go and buy stuff for the lodge. I realised that life really can be that simple if you really want to (or if you really dont have a choice).

Zambia is full with magic. The animals and the people and their environment, it was beautiful because it is a place much closer to nature. I really long to be in a place like that: so in harmony and balanced. However, there is a sad side of this beautiful picture; a very African scene of foreigners coming in "helping" them while taking away resources. I saw a Chinese mining company in Silasongawe near to the island that I was on.

In short, what have I learnt and felt from this amazing experience:

1. Life really can be very simple, it is sad that civilisation and globalisation is disabling us from being able to live simply. I really feel sad how shopping centres are just getting bigger and better in every corner of South Africa (and surely worldwide). I want to ask mankind a question: why do we want to live so unnaturally? We dont really need that many BIG shopping centre. The consumerism is really disgusting to me even through I like to window shop alot!

2. When life is simple and it was not by choice, it can be a very hard life. Zambians amazes me in the way they live with little thing they have. It also shames me about how much I have got, e.g. this laptop I am typing from. God, how can you be so hard on certain people on earth? Zambians, like many Africans are facing and dealing with the AIDS pandemic, TB and Malaria and other disabilities. I felt like just staying and apply my therapeutic skills to provide help for them. Unfortunately, in addition to the harshness of life as it is; locals do not believe in western stuff e.g. education and medicine.

For me this was an ethical question... May I enpose my ideas of what's good for them on them? Yes, it is clear that an injection can save lots of lives and maybe education can change one or two people's fortune and fate. But is this truely good? How do you define what is good? Is living longer and possibly healthier as well as being more intelligent a better or happier life? I am more educated and I use western medicine to be healthier, but am I really happier than they are? To me, being smart is more likely to a curse, esp if you are the think of the mankind type.

3. It deeply saddenes me about the Chinese mine in Zambia. I fully understand that there is simply no free lunch in this world, nobody do charity; there is always and always some string attached! I know I am harsh and expect highly of "my own people", but I cannot believe that people from a nation who was previously oppressed would think of taking advantage of others in any ways. Do we not know the pain of being oppressed???!! Have we really lost our sense of judgement in what is good morally? Or have I over-reacted in observing this? I want to believe this is done in good intention for all, I really believe the good in people. But God, it is getting harder and harder to believe in the good in people. I am deeply hurt by this scene because Chinese business men are not the only one that is doing this. God, just what kind of creature have men become?

What have we done now by using our intelligence to overcome nature and opposing its laws? Where will this lead us?

SO DAMN COLD!!!

2007-05-21T14:10:00.000-07:00

It's so damn freezing in Witbank tonight as I sit here and type on my blog. It's been awhile since I last posted a blog entry. I really has just been so busy and also getting irritated with others more easily too...

Anyways, there is a strike going on this Friday for all government employees; I wonder what will happen and I hope I dont have to be push off from gettig to work. But if it gets too hectic and dangerous, i am not going...

Running into trouble at work while just really trying to care …politics take 1

2007-04-21T00:28:00.000-07:00

I have recently ran into office politics trouble with physio’s in my hospital where Im working for community service. The incidence is as follows:

A friend of mine (a dietitian) who works in my ward has verbally mentioned that a patient needed seeing by me (an OT) due to a certain reason about a week ago while I was very busy covering for other OTs on holiday. So I eventually got to the patient, while being absolutely shocked about her not being seen by any OT, PT or ST on day 9 that she has been in the ward (which she needs all); I went on a bit of a panic mode & started writing referrals for the professionals needs to be involved in her case (thinking that well if the doctor hasn’t referred to me, gosh I doubt he/she would have for PT or ST). As the PT walked into the ward, I got this comment when I passed her the form: “oh, so now you are also doing referrals?” That was the end of the incident.

I was confused, bit upset but also felt bad on hindsight that the PT must have been so upset about anybody else “bossing” them around except the universally acceptable doctor. Maybe esp the OT who is a “luxury” in the team in lots of others eyes. I wanted to even say sorry to her cos’ I can see her side of the story in my mind, but I really changed my mind about apologizing after today’s meeting about this “compliant” with my duty head of department and supervisor…….

On Friday, my supervisor said she needs to see me on Monday rather urgently. So I spent my whole weekend wondering what it is all about and wondering if I have gotten into trouble somehow. When she said “we need to wait for Rose (the deputy head) for the meeting”, I knew I was in trouble but I just didn’t know what it was and how big was it. The conservation went on something like this:

“We have received a compliant from physio about…”

“Oh, the physio; I think I know what is this one all about…”

“What do you think it is?”

“Well… (explaining the whole incident without really making any excuse or trying to explain cos’ I do not believe it even trying to say why I did what)…”

“She was just not happy with the way she was handled… I know nobody has ever told you that but perhaps you could have done it differently.” And it went on…… When Rose asked me about something else completely different to the topic, I just started to cry. They kept quiet, and I just did not have any other way/language of expressing my voicelessness in this situation. In my heart, I know that no amount of explaining or making excuse is going to put them on my side so I did not. God, I felt so powerless; it was like crying was my only way of protesting against others who think I was wrong…. I could not speak cos’ words would not be heard, I could only cry and to cry to express the frustration and pain in my heart for doing what I believed was not wrong to do and being told off it.

God, what have I done? What have I done, let me think. I paniced and I was so concerned about the patient involved, I was prepared to fuck the office politics to want this patient to get help! I perhaps had forsaken harmony and good relationship between the professionals for ethical responsibilities for the care of the patient involved (or at least so I thought). I tried what I know and what my eyes has witness to work in this 3 past months with the STs. I was trying to save people’s time by making sure all the patient’s details are clearly written in the referral form and have to sign it as it asked for a signature (and I cannot be a coward that cannot take responsibility for writing the form!). And so I signed it myself, damn it!! God, why do I have to fight my own team to do good and to care? Why does this office politics has to get in the way? Everyone wants to be the nice guy and is good with people, who is concern about the work being done?! Other professionals do not let OTs step on them, but when others steps on OTs, we moan and bitch and that’s it!!! I do not and will not be a powerless little OT, who is a nobody of too much importance in the team!!!! I believed in a lot of what Maddie has taught me, be proactive and do not be afraid of upsetting a few people if what you are doing is ethical, is the right thing to do!

God, I know that the way I did it was perhaps not the best option but why do I have to be the one that is spoken to like a naughty dog being told off for stealing a juicy piece of sausage off the dinning table? Am I the only person in the wrong in this case? Is there anybody out there that can help me get the objective answer? God, I am not afraid of conflicting with others. There is nobody else but my parents that can make me yield for harmony (do all I can to not upset them). God I feel really odd, stupid and alone in this unfriendly world. Why do I have to think so differently from others? Why do I have to think so differently? Can cultural difference be an excuse? No, it is not good enough for me to be a valid reason!!! But I just don’t know why it is that I think so “laterally”… Most of the time, I get laugh at for thinking so “laterally” but this time I got into trouble… I got gunned down at the cross fire of office politics. I went into the health profession for this very reason, I thought people would at least put people first before these dirty silly politics but it looks like a NO to me!

This is a song that describe my feelings right now…

Welcome to my life by Simple plan:
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life

I write about this because writing is a way that I have found a voice even while being oppressed. I write about this cos’ I want myself to remember it, reflect from it and gain from it what I can fuse with my existing knowledge. But most important, I want to remind myself that there will always be people who will try to straighten me back into streamline. I want myself to remember that although being me sometimes run me into trouble, BUT I LOVE MYSELF FOR BEING DIFFERENT AND FOR BEING ME!!!

Concluding options:
1) Become a doctor myself so that I do not need to be the powerless one, although I swear I will try my best to not abuse the power I would have.
2) Go out of the health field altogether cos’ im sick of being pushed around.
3) Swear not to work in hospitals ever again to avoid this.

a work situation that I would like myself to remember always

2007-03-05T06:50:00.000-08:00

Last week, while the OT in charge of the paeds was on holiday; I took care of 3 patients in one of her wards for her. There were a mother & child pair which is the main characters of this story.

I started my week with them building trust, discussing what is difficult for being a 20 year old mum while studying Gr. 9 without the father of the child and having had a stroke and then I went onto practising ways of making life easier with the mum for them both. Suddenly, when I arrived the next day; I saw the mum crying and holding onto her equally crying baby tightly in her arms while surrounded by aggressive looking doctor and nurses who were trying to convience her to stay and go to the hospice for RVD rx for the baby. The mum's will was strong with regards to going home going hospice is a place to die & the baby hasn't improved in 4mths which earned her the comments of a doctor to say "she's killing her baby and she is a bad mum" and "by law, we should actually take the baby away from her".

For God's sake, why did you make that comment, Dr. "I know what's best"?! How dare you judge the mum for her decision?! How dare you for wanting to kill her self esteem and strip her of her identity of being a mum?! You are white and male and young, WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU KNOW BETTER THAN SHE DOES ABOUT BEING THIS BABY GIRL'S MUM??? I know the law you are talking about and it is about child abuse and neglect. I do not believe that being by the baby's side for 8 months and had to quit school for it is an action from a child abuser or neglector?! You are killing the baby by stabbing her mum. Not to forget that the baby is at stage 4 in RVD and is dying anyways.., do you smile to see that this poor baby girl is to die in some cold lonely uncomfortable and unloved corner of a children's hospice/home cos' you think she does not have a mum that fits to be her mum? How cruel is it to seperate mum and child? How cruel is it to want the kid to die unsurrounded by love and loved ones? How dare you not to consider the social stimga and pressure she and her family is facing which leads to her choice?! How dare you for stabbing a bleeding heart? This mum had fought so long and so hard for her child, she may be young but she is a loving mum! God, am I the only person here in the team who believes in her (and in fact knew least about her)?

God, I am upset about this and my heart is still bleeding for this pair. It is unlikely I will see them again cos' they are far into the development of their illnesses. God, teach me how to deal with this? How to do something about this injustice? No amount of apology will ever heal the 20 year old mum's heart. She has been trying so hard yet she was not good enough in some morron's eyes. IT is like getting snapped on your face and getting told you are a born failure and you will never be amount to anything.

What am I to do? So many collague had heard my story and then moved on, is there nobody who will be prepared to do anything about it? I want to give that morron a wake up call!!! Life is not always about the length of it but the width (the quality of life)! We do not have the power to decide who lives and for how long does someone live but we certainly can contribute towards a better/more comfortable stay on earth for their time left. Why do you have to shut the door by deciding so early about how gd/bad a person is? How do you expect her to want to ask u for help if you just push her away like this?

God, help me please!! help me to live past this one event in my professional career. I know how this will always stay in my mind and how this will always remain a sad event for me. God help me to stop this injustise!!

The secret is out!

2007-03-05T05:23:00.000-08:00

So the secret is out, apparently the community claims that they know that I have been dating a white guy for a long time. And on top of that, it is congrat as a great move to compensate for my "chinese-english" (chinese style english, i.e. as in your english is not good enough) by a certain arrgonant ex-university goer ("Mr. Z") in the community.

God, I think; I have the right to feel anger, is that correct and ok with You? I wanted to scream "f*** off, it is none of your S***'s business!!!!" What is with you guys? I know, for a long time; society does not allow people to step out of their line easily and I know I have been doing just it all along in all these years. And I know, one day; the "punishment" will come in forms of nasty comments like this. God, please teach me how to walk on waters and not sink cos' they are trying to push me down!! I am trying to get a hold on myself so i dont drown in their saliva. Although, on the other hand; I am amazed at the creativity in making the connections between all my actions in a way that I cannot even imagine myself and of course never thought of.

Let me ask my infamous question again: "why is there so little love in the world that it doesn't go round???" Why the criticism and why the shoulder and nasty voice?? Am I a sore in your eyes so much that you feel a certain irritation which is the cause of your nastiness? God, why are you sending me to find an answer to this impossible question? The interesting thing was that I was just exactly scared of myself becoming like Mr. Z over the weekend. I know I have made comments about the "other part of society", "those bunch" etc. I would like to hereby make myself remember this, remember this arrogances and avoid it!

Mr. Z has always displayed unwelcomed criticism of others and send off the signals that others are not on his level(of education, i guess in his case). It is so easy to do exactly what Mr. Z is doing, cos' we can. Cos' we are "highly educated" and "more intelligent" or "morally more correct" and better than "those natives/less civialised". I do understand that in his days, going to university is rare and it puts you on a pretty throne if you went to it. Like I said to my mum, "well, I guess everyone has the right to be proud of their own achievements, but over-proudness is a personally choice. It is up to the one possessing the power/knowledge to decide how proud they want themselves to be with their achievements and we can do nothing but respects it as much as we humanily possibly can". However, I do condemn being so proud of yourself that you think the whole worlds are full of stupid people. If you are happy with yourself, God knows my heart that I am happy for you too. But if you are so happy with yourself that you think I am not as good as you are then I am sorry to say that I cannot deal with you. WHAT AN ARROGANT PRICK is this to think I date a white guy to compensate for my poor english?!!?! I find this way of equaling my love life with my level of english really odd. Esp. the laughable thing is that my level of ability to write these letters that he is basing his measurements are much higher than many youngsters that I know. And besides, what is wrong with it?? As long as I get my point across and it is working for me, how dare you to JUDGE me?

This is where I fear no death, cos' I believe in God for this one... I believe God would judge me fairly and I have got nothing to be ashammed of. How dare you Mr. Z for judging me like that?! How dare you community for trying to punish me for being myself and that happens to be different from the majority of you??! What is wrong in your eyes that I love to live my life the way I live it and yet I am helping others in my daily life not harming anybody?

God, this is going to take me awhile to calm down again about... cos' this is not right!!! How dare they to judge me and they themselves are not perfect!

Being Different

2007-02-23T23:36:00.000-08:00

We have just had a house warming party at our house in Witbank last Wednesday, and I remember feeling how different I feel from some of the other people that were present there at my party. There is this one group who gotten themselve rather drunk and vague. From seeing that in front of my eyes, suddenly I sense my mind froozed and took a snap shoot of the scene in front of my eyes and I began to examine inwards on this question I have always struggled with: "why can I never fit in with others? Why do I have to feel the emptyiness inside me when I watch them having drunken fun despite that I never had wanted to have such kind of fun under influrence anyways?"

I remembered myself saying to myself "this year, 2007; I want to meet more people, have somemore fun cos' I am not at home and mix with people whom I dont necessarily think they are my type of friends potentials". But this froozen snap shoot in my brain is protesting against my wish to meet people and some wild fun. It is in fact telling me the following after reflection:

1) There are so so many kinds of people in the world, and I cannot like them all.
2) I acknowledged that "yes, I wanted it" but it really isn't what I needed. I am just not the kind of people that is able to allow myself to be totally drunk in others' party, make a fool of myself and call that FUN! I am unable to allow myself, additionaly I do not rely on that to have fun.
3) It has been very hard to be so different to others around me throughout my life and some of the times I really wanted just to fit in rather than put up a fight. But it is seeing these bunch that symbolise the kind of people that makes me feel gulity for being different finally allows me to be at peace and say to myself "well, it is okay that I am different; I am in fact glad that I am not the same as they are."

In a way, I know I felt their emptyiness and was sad for them; but on personally level, I am relieved and glad that I am not like them. My life journey is no longer about trying to have their kind of fun and be like them, however from hereon, it will be about to accept and love my own uniqueness more than I had ever before.

Let me come to terms with myself and the person I am, that there is only one me in this world. I am not unique for no reason!!

My work at work

2007-02-17T15:16:00.000-08:00

Working in a medical ward

It has been really depressing to see the amounts of RVDs in the ward, just about everyone has it. And having it makes life much harder; they get illnesses they are not suppose to and present in a funny unusual way. And as a health professional, I felt helpless as I am unable to help, to improve the person's health. Yes I know I am not a doctor and it is hence not my job to fight with Death. However, it is my responsibility and what I find meaning in..is to bring meaning, hope and joy in people's lives. The enemy I fight is not Death, but fear and despairs. They are harder enemies to fight than one can possibly imagine. Someone could be living died (emotionally numb) but when u die, u die..that's the end of battle. How can I possibly steal hope, meaning and joy from fear and despair when they are so powerful?

I know I havent really been writing about this, but it is tough to be health professional. it is tough and I would say it again; I have watched so many people dead and dying. I have to ask myself, is this normal for a sure to be 23 years old?

All I can say is that it is very tough at the moment, watching people losing their battle before the end of it. You can just sense it in their dim and dull eyes that asks " what future do I have?" and "who are you to stop me from dying, do I not even have the choice to die?"

Beauty..what beauty/uglyiness??

2007-02-17T14:39:00.000-08:00

I was watching "Shall we Dance" the movie (starring J-Lo and Richard Gear) and really loved it the way dancing is so wonderful and beautiful. I really think I want to do ballroom sometime; I have been hoping to do it with someone I love. However, I am not sure if the someone I love would like dancing.

He mentioned about how competition removes the beautiful of dancing from it, I began to wonder if it does remove it. It still looked amazing to me, the moves and the people and their clothes. Besides, who decide what is beauty anyways? Isnt that just another set of rules to say if this is the right way to do something or wrong way to do something??? At this point, this was where I wondered further...DOESNT THE WORLD HAVE SPACE FOR "UGLY" THINGS ANYMORE? Why shouldn't uglyiness and beauty be treated equally? What is wrong with uglyiness, is it evil? I laugh at it as I remember a poem by William Blake as follows:

TIGER, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?

And what shoulder and what art
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand and what dread feet?

What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? What dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?

When the stars threw down their spears,
And water'd heaven with their tears,
Did He smile His work to see?
Did He who made the lamb make thee?

Tiger, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
Note, to not give uglyiness space in the world because it is not beautiful; to me, it is the same as to asking God "how can you make the tiger while you make some gentle animal like the lambs" in Blake's Poem. Does God ever answer this question, the answer is NO! (well that is at least I haven't heard the answer). But I "see" God's point in not answering Blake's question, because God preaches unconditional love...no matter how good or evil and no matter how beautiful or ugly. Let's have a look at 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, as follows:

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

So, beauty??? Who's beauty??? What do this "who" think beauty is? I have always oh so struggle with morality, who's idea of rights and wrongs is it? I somehow believes there is never right and wrong but inappropriate things to have been done at the time. There is no absolute or certainity, that's what I want to tell you all (and yes I know, most people who has a religion will want to kill me on this one cos' their religions have rights and wrongs/good and evils!! I feel kind of sad for myself, feel real hollow inside cos' I dont think the world has space for me and my ideas either. I guess I am far too frightening and dangerous.

In the end, I can only pull out my ironic smile again and agrees...donomite does indeed comes in small packages.

"The Queen"

2007-01-12T13:05:00.000-08:00

I went and watch a movie on the Queen Elizabeth of England recently and found it interesting.

I wondered if the movie was about the queen or more about Dianna, it shown the queen's action towards Dianna's death. What she struggled with and what she did or didn't do. The one scene that I felt signifiant was the scene were the Queen's 4x4 broke down in the river where she saw a beautiful animal and she cried. The scene began with her crying with her back to the carmea. At that moment, the Queen (her highness) seem not so "high" anymore but instead I saw a human being that had just came out of the "shock" stage of some psychologist's stages of grief. She was a human being and I saw myself in her. The parallel that lies between us were how strong we seem to others and how we grew up being taught to keep our emotions to ourselves (Never show any emotions to anyone cos' you do not know who will be your enemies tomorrow). We have left no space for ourselves to grief or to think for ourselves (well, I suppose she has a tougher job than me being the queen compare to being a therapist). But I felt that was me as well, sitting there crying when I (her) after just kept going and going; had finally come to a stand still and the sorrows crawls in through all the gaps in my heart and overflows it with the saddness.

The other scene that I found particular spoke to me was when she met the body of that beautiful animal again when it was shot by someone. For some in the audience, it might have seem to have shown stupidity and stubborness in the Queen (in the fact that she was able to grief more openly for an animal but not Dianna), but for me I saw something else in her, in society and in people the public.

In the queen, I saw everybody in the world. The stupidity is in fact, everybody would do exactly the same as the queen had... Able to feel (or examine) anyone who didnt really matter to you so objectively, but as soon as it comes to someone very very close to yourself (esp. family); somethings get in the way (you dont want to feel sorry anymore or able to be objectively any longer).

Being the Queen must be an unimaginable hard job to have, it may or may not be something you want to do but you have to. There woudl be hard times, good times and times you get suprised. This is so much similar to what I expect to happen in my own life; the same old there will be bad times, good times and times where I get suprised. There will be things in life you dont want to do but have do. What the movie reminded of is, whatever you do or face; do it or face it with a smile!!! Remember how someone out there, really has a tougher job than yourself no matter how glamourous it may have look to you and that even the high up and the important also has their humanity... including the weakness, yup; all of it!

First Day Away from Home

2006-12-31T10:42:00.000-08:00

After a long long 2 days drive from Cape Town, I finally arrived at Witbank Mpumanlanga. This marks the end of my study years and the beginning of a journey of middle adulthood. This is a scary and exciting time of myself.

Something really interesting to realise--- how I missed home on the first night away from it in Bloemfontein. I guess I will just have to get use to it one day at a time, bit by bit. I am sure that I will get to truely enjoy the freedom of 2007 working in Witbank :D

Here's to myself, to 2007~!!! Happy new year :D~!!
Keep u all updated..hehe

The blind spot in everyone's heart

2006-12-23T11:59:00.000-08:00

It is a scary thing but I bet it is a fact, there is a blind spot in everyone's heart. What you hate about the person you hate is probably what you don't like about yourself. It is pretty scary:( The Johnny's story is still deeply impacting me, it allows me to see I could be just as blinded.

I wonder, if what you do not like about other person is what you dont like about yourself; does it also applies to what you like about other people? I hope this is possible even through there is so so little love in this world... so little that we always seems to find it easier to judge or criticise than to complement and praise.

I truely hope that is true.. there is a small hole for love to transfer from one person to the next.....

Just a thought on to be or not to be proud...

2006-12-20T15:28:00.000-08:00

Couple days ago, I heard someone complaining about how proud a certain human being was (let's say we call him Johnny at the moment). Johnny has an income of over 30000 a month and he was so proud about this that he looks down on the complainer and others.

I took it in Johnny's angle and realise how he can be & should be proud of himself. To earn 30000 a month is something to be proud of (yes although this is very materialistic), he has the right to be proud I guess which is the positive I saw in Johnny despite the complainer's dislike of him. I thought to myself, Johnny has the perfect rights to be proud yet it is his decision to be or not to be proud...

I think, the moral of the story here; is ultimately we do not and have not got the right to judge. And I dare say, I don't think even God has the right to judge someone like Johnny...!!? What in heaven/hell is wrong with being pleased with your achievements? Was God not pleased with his creation before he rested on the 7th day? So, as heavenly as God was also proud about his achievement; who exactly are we to judge?! If we want to judge, let not judge Johnny alone but think about ourselves and possible even God?!

Why do we, human beings like to punish each other and ourselves with jealousy, proud & self doubts? The person who seems to prevent ourselves from happiness and paradise is clearly the image of ourselves. Next time, when you meet little Johnny in your life journey, do be kind and a little more thoughtful because Johnny is a happy guy on earth. What evil would we be commit to stop another person from being just that.... happy?

Life isn't fair, get used to it!!

2006-11-29T14:18:00.000-08:00

One of Bill Gates's famous laws of living is "life isn't fair, get sure to it!!" I think I am tasting that big time at the moment. The reason I am saying this is because I have apparently failed my final exams and final project for a subject at school and hence even with a 70% yearmark I only deserves a mark that I resent!!

Life really isn't fair, isn't it? Yes, it is just that little bit you need. But sorry; nobody cares it is just that little bit you need; they will not feel sorry for you but inquire why u didn't get it. They care about your productivity/competence not what a nice person or passionate person you are about your job.

Get used to it? I am finding it hard right now with "get used to it". It shocks me how uncaring people could really be, despite I understand fully you cannot expect everyone like you (if you r that understanding person). Lord, I think I have every right to be angry right now. How hard have I tried? and How little have I missed it by once again? THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!!! Why do I work so hard and not get what I want ALL the time at the last mins? Which part of this particular life lesson have I failed to learn?!!?!? I am prepared to see that the fact I may have failed, but I am SO interested to see what went wrong? How can someone getting a A in june fail in november? I don't even want to go into the story of my life, about the stress I have on top of studying unlike others who do better than me. I dont want to even go there - life is unfair, so GET USED TO IT MY FRIEND!!

Perhaps human being do not like to face up to struggles.

2006-11-26T09:57:00.000-08:00

Reflection at a workshop in a conference that discussed healing the wounds of history by humanising individual across the oppressor vs. victim line:

So many choose the by-stander position, merely watch history unfold before them. When history becomes history, so few would revisit it. They say: "it's too painful, I don't want to talk about it". People, how do we learn from our mistakes by ignoring it? Do we not know the way out is to learn from it?? So you want to move forward, but how do you if you do not first examinate where you are standing and where you came from to understand what went wrong and hence choose the direction that will bring about "forward"???

Why individuals who try different and fresher approaches are attacked and pressed down?? Do these new ideas look like a sore in your identity with the past? They dont fit, do they?

A struggle is something that require determination to be worked through, not around or over!! But what was seen was individuals are unwilling to forgive and heal. You think you can hurt that people that you are not forgiving, you are wrong!! You are hurting yourself just as much! (The hand which beat hurt as much as the person it beat.)

Is it that perhaps human being don't like to face struggles or is it perhaps civilisation had require of us something impossible that we do not inhereitly have? (i.e. the will to stand by the harder way?)

Reflection on everyday life

2006-11-22T12:22:00.000-08:00

Today I was having tea with an old couple that is moving back to HK next week, upon hearing how the mum hard sell her naughty children being good, innocent and excellent; I feel "wow, the love of a mother is truely amazing".

Further then that is, perhaps "love is (truely) blind"... Althrough Shakespeare referred to romantic love, I think parental/maternal love could also be the same too! I must admit, I do not think it is great to "hard sell" or overpraise one's children but protection is definitely in the job decription of a parent. May it seem wrong or stupid to others, I think this was a real and truely beautiful thing to be loved like that by ones that are important to us. You are a truely lucky son, Mr X.

May God bless the people on earth that love with love!

WELCOME

2006-11-22T06:02:00.000-08:00

Helloooo everybody,

Welcome to my blog:) Hope you enjoy it as much as I do... Cheers