Running into trouble at work while just really trying to care …politics take 1

I have recently ran into office politics trouble with physio’s in my hospital where Im working for community service. The incidence is as follows:

A friend of mine (a dietitian) who works in my ward has verbally mentioned that a patient needed seeing by me (an OT) due to a certain reason about a week ago while I was very busy covering for other OTs on holiday. So I eventually got to the patient, while being absolutely shocked about her not being seen by any OT, PT or ST on day 9 that she has been in the ward (which she needs all); I went on a bit of a panic mode & started writing referrals for the professionals needs to be involved in her case (thinking that well if the doctor hasn’t referred to me, gosh I doubt he/she would have for PT or ST). As the PT walked into the ward, I got this comment when I passed her the form: “oh, so now you are also doing referrals?” That was the end of the incident.

I was confused, bit upset but also felt bad on hindsight that the PT must have been so upset about anybody else “bossing” them around except the universally acceptable doctor. Maybe esp the OT who is a “luxury” in the team in lots of others eyes. I wanted to even say sorry to her cos’ I can see her side of the story in my mind, but I really changed my mind about apologizing after today’s meeting about this “compliant” with my duty head of department and supervisor…….

On Friday, my supervisor said she needs to see me on Monday rather urgently. So I spent my whole weekend wondering what it is all about and wondering if I have gotten into trouble somehow. When she said “we need to wait for Rose (the deputy head) for the meeting”, I knew I was in trouble but I just didn’t know what it was and how big was it. The conservation went on something like this:

“We have received a compliant from physio about…”

“Oh, the physio; I think I know what is this one all about…”

“What do you think it is?”

“Well… (explaining the whole incident without really making any excuse or trying to explain cos’ I do not believe it even trying to say why I did what)…”

“She was just not happy with the way she was handled… I know nobody has ever told you that but perhaps you could have done it differently.” And it went on…… When Rose asked me about something else completely different to the topic, I just started to cry. They kept quiet, and I just did not have any other way/language of expressing my voicelessness in this situation. In my heart, I know that no amount of explaining or making excuse is going to put them on my side so I did not. God, I felt so powerless; it was like crying was my only way of protesting against others who think I was wrong…. I could not speak cos’ words would not be heard, I could only cry and to cry to express the frustration and pain in my heart for doing what I believed was not wrong to do and being told off it.

God, what have I done? What have I done, let me think. I paniced and I was so concerned about the patient involved, I was prepared to fuck the office politics to want this patient to get help! I perhaps had forsaken harmony and good relationship between the professionals for ethical responsibilities for the care of the patient involved (or at least so I thought). I tried what I know and what my eyes has witness to work in this 3 past months with the STs. I was trying to save people’s time by making sure all the patient’s details are clearly written in the referral form and have to sign it as it asked for a signature (and I cannot be a coward that cannot take responsibility for writing the form!). And so I signed it myself, damn it!! God, why do I have to fight my own team to do good and to care? Why does this office politics has to get in the way? Everyone wants to be the nice guy and is good with people, who is concern about the work being done?! Other professionals do not let OTs step on them, but when others steps on OTs, we moan and bitch and that’s it!!! I do not and will not be a powerless little OT, who is a nobody of too much importance in the team!!!! I believed in a lot of what Maddie has taught me, be proactive and do not be afraid of upsetting a few people if what you are doing is ethical, is the right thing to do!

God, I know that the way I did it was perhaps not the best option but why do I have to be the one that is spoken to like a naughty dog being told off for stealing a juicy piece of sausage off the dinning table? Am I the only person in the wrong in this case? Is there anybody out there that can help me get the objective answer? God, I am not afraid of conflicting with others. There is nobody else but my parents that can make me yield for harmony (do all I can to not upset them). God I feel really odd, stupid and alone in this unfriendly world. Why do I have to think so differently from others? Why do I have to think so differently? Can cultural difference be an excuse? No, it is not good enough for me to be a valid reason!!! But I just don’t know why it is that I think so “laterally”… Most of the time, I get laugh at for thinking so “laterally” but this time I got into trouble… I got gunned down at the cross fire of office politics. I went into the health profession for this very reason, I thought people would at least put people first before these dirty silly politics but it looks like a NO to me!

This is a song that describe my feelings right now…

Welcome to my life by Simple plan:
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life












I write about this because writing is a way that I have found a voice even while being oppressed. I write about this cos’ I want myself to remember it, reflect from it and gain from it what I can fuse with my existing knowledge. But most important, I want to remind myself that there will always be people who will try to straighten me back into streamline. I want myself to remember that although being me sometimes run me into trouble, BUT I LOVE MYSELF FOR BEING DIFFERENT AND FOR BEING ME!!!

Concluding options:
1) Become a doctor myself so that I do not need to be the powerless one, although I swear I will try my best to not abuse the power I would have.
2) Go out of the health field altogether cos’ im sick of being pushed around.
3) Swear not to work in hospitals ever again to avoid this.