I should be the person controlling my own happiness

2h44am, I am wide awake... I woke up to my parents' voice, heavily discussing who should or should not be at my engagement party because they may go around to spread judgmental stories about my choice of husband.

God, I just couldn't sleep after that. What have I done to put my parents in a difficult position? Is it wrong of me to fall in love with someone not from the same race/culture/background? I am by no means Juliet or Romeo or perfect, but I knew that I am the only person responsible for my own happiness. I am sorry here, I got to be happy no matter what who says or think of me. I am not a saint and I WANT to be happy!!

God allow me to understand exactly what I am meant to learn here. I know I kept hearing you say that it's not me that needs to learn in this case, but it's hard to make sense of this at all. Maybe you are telling me "happiness is not bounded to happen to you, you got to make an effort to get it". No one has ever told me that life was going to be easy and I knew this from a young age that it wasn't going to be easy. Not for me, not for a stubborn strong hearted girl like me however I am very real and truthful!!

I have never asked for acceptance or approval of my "community", I don't even expect them to understand or be happy for me. It's okay, think what you want to think and judge me the way you desire to. It is not your thoughts or action that I am worried about. I only want my parents to be happy in this situation, that's what keeps me awake not those fools. How then my Lord can I help my parents?

Are they fearing for themselves about how to interact with the "community" or are they trying to protect me from the "judgement"? God, you said the biggest commendment is love. What can I do that will be loving to my parents? I really dont want to see them stress about me. it is hard for them, it is hard for me too to see them stress. The last thing I want is my family to feel their happy thoughts are being taken away by others.

God, am I being selfish here? I want to be happy and I want who I love to be happy. God, may you be the only one to judge me!! I may have done wrongs in the past and still to do more in the future but I am not afraid to see you and be judged because I believe you will judge me non-judgementally (I dont have a lot of faith but I have faith in this!!)

God, please let you be the only one to judge all of us!!