Current affairs

Today I am really suprised by my supervisor's comment that as if she had said finally, Anita is only human. This was said in the context of me having send her an email to apologise for being out of touch after getting married a month ago.

I am suprised because how often in my life I had people around me looking at me and go "wow, she works so hard like a machine". I remember this the most deeply as a high school girl who was so alone in her goal to become a doctor and focused only on that and nothing else. It scared every single 'normal' girl around me - many of them asked, how the hell do I work like this?? My dear, my answer would have been and will always still be 'cos' I wanted it bad enough - bad enough to put my life in the flame and burn it for what I wanted!!'

I am suprised because I noticed how recently I had not slowed down - I had just been spinning faster and faster to a point I feel my life is no longer in control. That I feel like I am getting mad too by talking to mad people daily, like their maddness rubs off on you & now you becoming more like them - so who's normal now? Working at a psychiatric hospital is a blessing, it is an absolute blessing in the sense that you have to reflect and examine your own values, beliefs and perceptions all the time.

Recently, I came across a case where the pt attempted to dig his/her mother up from missing her so much - this really sadden me, that there is nothing else in the world this patient could find hope in; that he/she is absolutely desperate to have the support from his/her deceased mother. How cruel is the world to someone who feel this lonely? I bet very!!

God, I, Ka Yan; shall never give up!! I will never give up in bringing hope in others' life - no matter how hard this is at times. I dont expect the impossible from myself to give joy and hope but I wish I may be God to them - that through me, they see their God - the light at the end of the tunnel and if it's not their time to see the light, for them to know that somebody understand how hard it really is.

It is very tought for me at the moment, with 2 assignments due next monday and the monday after that. One half done and the other unstarted. And today I had a very hard day with really trying to provide therapy to patients but they are just not getting it (despire they all say how much they enjoy the way how I put things). I feel inadequate as a therapist - why would they get it? What's wrong with the way I am putting it? But I will not give up and I shall not fail! It is a difficult journey but if there is anybody in the world that has the stubborness, the will and power to do this, it would be me. God, I am small and I am insignificant but I have the power to pour out positive light into this world and I can make a difference - even if it's only one patient in my entire career as an OT, it is one person living more positively and that I consider my job well done.

Like I had said many many great many years ago, giving up does not exist in the dictionary of Ka Yan Ho (Now Hess). It still does not exist~ even at times I have to say this with my knees bent from stress and facing difficulties !