2h44am, I am wide awake... I woke up to my parents' voice, heavily discussing who should or should not be at my engagement party because they may go around to spread judgmental stories about my choice of husband.
God, I just couldn't sleep after that. What have I done to put my parents in a difficult position? Is it wrong of me to fall in love with someone not from the same race/culture/background? I am by no means Juliet or Romeo or perfect, but I knew that I am the only person responsible for my own happiness. I am sorry here, I got to be happy no matter what who says or think of me. I am not a saint and I WANT to be happy!!
God allow me to understand exactly what I am meant to learn here. I know I kept hearing you say that it's not me that needs to learn in this case, but it's hard to make sense of this at all. Maybe you are telling me "happiness is not bounded to happen to you, you got to make an effort to get it". No one has ever told me that life was going to be easy and I knew this from a young age that it wasn't going to be easy. Not for me, not for a stubborn strong hearted girl like me however I am very real and truthful!!
I have never asked for acceptance or approval of my "community", I don't even expect them to understand or be happy for me. It's okay, think what you want to think and judge me the way you desire to. It is not your thoughts or action that I am worried about. I only want my parents to be happy in this situation, that's what keeps me awake not those fools. How then my Lord can I help my parents?
Are they fearing for themselves about how to interact with the "community" or are they trying to protect me from the "judgement"? God, you said the biggest commendment is love. What can I do that will be loving to my parents? I really dont want to see them stress about me. it is hard for them, it is hard for me too to see them stress. The last thing I want is my family to feel their happy thoughts are being taken away by others.
God, am I being selfish here? I want to be happy and I want who I love to be happy. God, may you be the only one to judge me!! I may have done wrongs in the past and still to do more in the future but I am not afraid to see you and be judged because I believe you will judge me non-judgementally (I dont have a lot of faith but I have faith in this!!)
God, please let you be the only one to judge all of us!!
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Today I just wanted to write
Today, I just wanted to write, write about life and anything... I dont want to be positive or negative, or look at any glass of water to say they are half full or half empty.
I am sad today as I watched an argument turn racial in South Africa in the gym I went to. And yes, unfortunately the two side argument happened to be one black and one white. The argument (I dont really what to mention what it was about) soon turned sour and people started to point fingers, talking about no respect for self and the people involved. I am just sad about the hurt apartheid has caused this country, I am just sad about that it is still hurting people and will continue to hurt at this rate. I just really dont like this attitude of everybody owe you something that I have observed. Gosh, ok; yes someone might have done u wrong in the past, but if you dont move on you will never be free of the hurt it caused you. So what are you still doing holding so tightly on your hatred? Was good does it do for you?!?
God, I see the problem; but what exactly can I do about this situation? I really want to help but are those in need of my help willing to be helped? God, I am human and of course I am far from being like you; I dont think I have the patience or eternity time to wait for these peopl. What am I to do?
I am sad today as I watched an argument turn racial in South Africa in the gym I went to. And yes, unfortunately the two side argument happened to be one black and one white. The argument (I dont really what to mention what it was about) soon turned sour and people started to point fingers, talking about no respect for self and the people involved. I am just sad about the hurt apartheid has caused this country, I am just sad about that it is still hurting people and will continue to hurt at this rate. I just really dont like this attitude of everybody owe you something that I have observed. Gosh, ok; yes someone might have done u wrong in the past, but if you dont move on you will never be free of the hurt it caused you. So what are you still doing holding so tightly on your hatred? Was good does it do for you?!?
God, I see the problem; but what exactly can I do about this situation? I really want to help but are those in need of my help willing to be helped? God, I am human and of course I am far from being like you; I dont think I have the patience or eternity time to wait for these peopl. What am I to do?
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
I am fed up with interviews for jobs
I just came out of a telephonic interview with a special school. I am fed up with people undermining me cos' i dont really speak afrikaans.
I really think how much they believe in the children can be reflected on how much they would believe in me... esp in line with beethoven, churchill and einstein, as well as natalie du toit and terence parkin who are both local disabled persons who are olympics medalist in swimming.
Beethoven was deaf yet he made the most beautiful music,
Churchill had stuttering problems yet he was and still is one of the most influential politician in the 20th century,
Einstein was dyslexic yet contributed so much advance knowledge for our understanding of maths and science,
Natalie Du Toit, who in spite of having lost one leg; yet still a great swimmer in the olympics and faster than most competitive "normal" swimmers!!!!
it is about focusing on the ability NOT the bloody disability!! Gosh, therapist like us are suppose to take this to heart!! of course we all have strengthes and shortcomings...!! it's about maxmising on strengths and minimizing the effect of our shortcomings!!! Why cant people see it?!?!?!
I am very fed up now cos' they always ask about this... I may be "disabled" in one way, however I am enabled with another skills to overcome and compensate for my shortcomings, I live and cope no matter what...can u see that i am coping working in a place where i dont speak the language, i cope by using family members, staffs, other patients and of course my body/sign language to communicate with my patients and clients...
Sigh~~ when will there be someone who see this? Gosh if I think I was discriminated, I really wonder how people with disabilities are discriminated against... Sigh~~~
I really think how much they believe in the children can be reflected on how much they would believe in me... esp in line with beethoven, churchill and einstein, as well as natalie du toit and terence parkin who are both local disabled persons who are olympics medalist in swimming.
Beethoven was deaf yet he made the most beautiful music,
Churchill had stuttering problems yet he was and still is one of the most influential politician in the 20th century,
Einstein was dyslexic yet contributed so much advance knowledge for our understanding of maths and science,
Natalie Du Toit, who in spite of having lost one leg; yet still a great swimmer in the olympics and faster than most competitive "normal" swimmers!!!!
it is about focusing on the ability NOT the bloody disability!! Gosh, therapist like us are suppose to take this to heart!! of course we all have strengthes and shortcomings...!! it's about maxmising on strengths and minimizing the effect of our shortcomings!!! Why cant people see it?!?!?!
I am very fed up now cos' they always ask about this... I may be "disabled" in one way, however I am enabled with another skills to overcome and compensate for my shortcomings, I live and cope no matter what...can u see that i am coping working in a place where i dont speak the language, i cope by using family members, staffs, other patients and of course my body/sign language to communicate with my patients and clients...
Sigh~~ when will there be someone who see this? Gosh if I think I was discriminated, I really wonder how people with disabilities are discriminated against... Sigh~~~
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Thank you for the opportunity
Thank you for the growing opportunity
I would like to thank the creator in this trying time for the opportunity for personal growth and strengthen my character. This is my attempt to remain positive in a very hard struggle.
It has been such an uneasy week for me. My house has been broken into twice, I had my first ever job interview ever with the result of not being called back for any further follow up on possibly getting the job while watching other friend getting all these interviews, I had patient care ethical issues of other medical team members to fight with and I had anxiety and stress from having found a job that I would really love yet wondering if people would employ me for it. Above all and happening parallelly, I am scared of not able to find employment and having to also perform a very hard splint on Monday which I need reading up on this weekend.
I am fortunate in the sense that I am suddenly hit with enlightment and able to be mindful and reflective in the situation. I realize this is the exact point of my last straw previously as a student where I would become so emotionally burnt out that I end up not performing and shinning my true colors. God, I want to stop this! I want to stop feeling everything is out of control and it’s a bad reflection of me if I cant control it. I realize how I seem to have place my self worth and my self value on a scale that I have not control over up to this point in my life. I was equaling my self worth to achievements and successes of the material world which has always been something I don’t like anyways!!! (Yes, me out of all people who hated material stuff!!!)
I know I need to be different this time. I need to be able to rise above this all. In fact, I need to detach my self value from this rat race and achieve calmness… to have the knowledge that “even if I don’t get a job offer to work as an OT right now, it doesn’t mean I am a bad person and a shit OT.” But how do I do this, I sit here 4h30 in the morning thinking…… I know this is the opportunity to learn a very difficult life lesson. But how? But how do I do this, God?
Do I just keep on positive thinking about….
“no, Anita; you are a great person and a great OT” or
“ You knew the stuff and you did show them to the best of your ability that you knew your stuff. But nobody can possibly know everything, come on; you are not God!!” or
“ You have the skills to be a great OT but maybe there’s something beyond skills that is beyond your own control that they are looking for (well in SA; how about the fact that I may be the wrong colour for BEE??)
Or is there something else I can do??
*** HERE ‘s MY BIT OF SELF CONVERSATION
Anita, you need to remember good things about yourself. Yes you are not the most experienced OT around here and that you don’t know everything there is to know about a certain aspect of your work. But you are knowledge thirsty and you are so keen to learn and to become better; it makes you the greatest candidate to become a good OT!!! May I remind you everything has its time? Now, this is the time you learn this NB life lesson; failure doesn’t equals to “I am a bad person”. Something not working is not always a negative reflection on your abilities. Anita, god helps us; you got to know that you are not that bad!! Most of all and let me count:
- you care so much about your patients and you do not give up on them.
- You listen to them and their families, you are able to give client centred treatments.
- You will take the initiative to learn and research to improve yourself
- You hold yourself accountable for the quality of treatment you are giving to patients. (and I think it is more often the case that you do not let yourself off the hook when it’s not your fault.)
- You are creative and adaptive, you do freak out but you always return to face the challenge. It is a rare occasion should you run and you don’t come back.
- You are reflective and you able to pick up your own shortcomings. You try to do your best in preventing it from happening in the future.
What I am asking you to do this time differently is to not going into the “shit, I don’t know and let me run to a safe place counsel myself and come back to deal with it”. This time, Anita; try facing it, try not to run. Acknowledge the fact that you are scared and what you are dealing with is un-humanly difficult but everyone go through some of them while other issues are just unique and you are one of the few that are dealing with it. And WOW, think about what faith the creator has in you to trust you to deal with it on his/her behalf… honey, you are answering people’s prayers everyday!! I want you to come out more confident, I want you to be able to say “well, the loss is not only mine if they don’t employ me” and to keep in faith to the knowledge that “the right job will come at the right time” and be patient with it while your environment work itself around you. I don’t want to see you breaking down to tears like tonight in the feeling of extreme nerves and anxiety but to cry acknowledging it is difficult to be where you are in your situation then go and move on.
Anita, don’t give up…. I don’t meant don’t give up in “fighting” but I mean don’t give up on yourself and start running away from the challenge. Don’t lose a battle that is not even fought yet! Don’t give up hope and don’t give into anxiety. Have faith in yourself, there is NOTHING and I repeat NOTHING wrong with you. Lastly, don’t blame yourself for things not happening or going your way.
God, help me to change what I can
accept what I cannot and
to have the mind to be able to tell the difference between the two.
I would like to thank the creator in this trying time for the opportunity for personal growth and strengthen my character. This is my attempt to remain positive in a very hard struggle.
It has been such an uneasy week for me. My house has been broken into twice, I had my first ever job interview ever with the result of not being called back for any further follow up on possibly getting the job while watching other friend getting all these interviews, I had patient care ethical issues of other medical team members to fight with and I had anxiety and stress from having found a job that I would really love yet wondering if people would employ me for it. Above all and happening parallelly, I am scared of not able to find employment and having to also perform a very hard splint on Monday which I need reading up on this weekend.
I am fortunate in the sense that I am suddenly hit with enlightment and able to be mindful and reflective in the situation. I realize this is the exact point of my last straw previously as a student where I would become so emotionally burnt out that I end up not performing and shinning my true colors. God, I want to stop this! I want to stop feeling everything is out of control and it’s a bad reflection of me if I cant control it. I realize how I seem to have place my self worth and my self value on a scale that I have not control over up to this point in my life. I was equaling my self worth to achievements and successes of the material world which has always been something I don’t like anyways!!! (Yes, me out of all people who hated material stuff!!!)
I know I need to be different this time. I need to be able to rise above this all. In fact, I need to detach my self value from this rat race and achieve calmness… to have the knowledge that “even if I don’t get a job offer to work as an OT right now, it doesn’t mean I am a bad person and a shit OT.” But how do I do this, I sit here 4h30 in the morning thinking…… I know this is the opportunity to learn a very difficult life lesson. But how? But how do I do this, God?
Do I just keep on positive thinking about….
“no, Anita; you are a great person and a great OT” or
“ You knew the stuff and you did show them to the best of your ability that you knew your stuff. But nobody can possibly know everything, come on; you are not God!!” or
“ You have the skills to be a great OT but maybe there’s something beyond skills that is beyond your own control that they are looking for (well in SA; how about the fact that I may be the wrong colour for BEE??)
Or is there something else I can do??
*** HERE ‘s MY BIT OF SELF CONVERSATION
Anita, you need to remember good things about yourself. Yes you are not the most experienced OT around here and that you don’t know everything there is to know about a certain aspect of your work. But you are knowledge thirsty and you are so keen to learn and to become better; it makes you the greatest candidate to become a good OT!!! May I remind you everything has its time? Now, this is the time you learn this NB life lesson; failure doesn’t equals to “I am a bad person”. Something not working is not always a negative reflection on your abilities. Anita, god helps us; you got to know that you are not that bad!! Most of all and let me count:
- you care so much about your patients and you do not give up on them.
- You listen to them and their families, you are able to give client centred treatments.
- You will take the initiative to learn and research to improve yourself
- You hold yourself accountable for the quality of treatment you are giving to patients. (and I think it is more often the case that you do not let yourself off the hook when it’s not your fault.)
- You are creative and adaptive, you do freak out but you always return to face the challenge. It is a rare occasion should you run and you don’t come back.
- You are reflective and you able to pick up your own shortcomings. You try to do your best in preventing it from happening in the future.
What I am asking you to do this time differently is to not going into the “shit, I don’t know and let me run to a safe place counsel myself and come back to deal with it”. This time, Anita; try facing it, try not to run. Acknowledge the fact that you are scared and what you are dealing with is un-humanly difficult but everyone go through some of them while other issues are just unique and you are one of the few that are dealing with it. And WOW, think about what faith the creator has in you to trust you to deal with it on his/her behalf… honey, you are answering people’s prayers everyday!! I want you to come out more confident, I want you to be able to say “well, the loss is not only mine if they don’t employ me” and to keep in faith to the knowledge that “the right job will come at the right time” and be patient with it while your environment work itself around you. I don’t want to see you breaking down to tears like tonight in the feeling of extreme nerves and anxiety but to cry acknowledging it is difficult to be where you are in your situation then go and move on.
Anita, don’t give up…. I don’t meant don’t give up in “fighting” but I mean don’t give up on yourself and start running away from the challenge. Don’t lose a battle that is not even fought yet! Don’t give up hope and don’t give into anxiety. Have faith in yourself, there is NOTHING and I repeat NOTHING wrong with you. Lastly, don’t blame yourself for things not happening or going your way.
God, help me to change what I can
accept what I cannot and
to have the mind to be able to tell the difference between the two.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Let me be the channel of your peace
God I have seen so much suffering in my journey, it is hard to not get hurt from witnessing it through listening to the crippling screams from the suffered.
Let me be the channel of your peace so that I may bring light where darkness swallows souls and I may bring joy and hope to the sad and hopeless. God, I know how childish of a thought it is of mine wanting to put a stop to suffering. I know I am childish and I know I am naïve, but as a child I hope in faith that I will be granted with this gift. This is because I am only human, I cannot and am not capable to love the way you do. Neither am I able to be the ultimate observer that watches mankind destroys itself yet be uninvolved that Buddha suggests. I am of this world and am part of it, its movement has an impact on me no matter how still I try to remain.
And yes as naïve as I am, I believe I understand your love… Your love in the parent role, the ability and patience to watch men goes on making mistakes when they exercise their “free will”. To be able to hold the hurt, anger and hostility as they curse you, hold you responsible and blame you for their foolish acts. God, you are so fair that you are so cruel!! God, you are so full of love that you are so cold-hearted!! I know many will be puzzled at my statements about you, but I am not. It is hard to explain how I feel this so deeply about you, how I know you in an abstract yet real way. God, teach me to be more human so that I will not try to strive to be you because it is not possible. Buddha grant me the enlightment to be able to be the lotus that grows from dirty soils so I may “be” amongst the ordinary fellow humans.
Pls note that my idea of God is going to be very different from yours. My God is of a philosophy nature not of religion. I am perhaps yet to be saved in some’s opinions but I am none the less spiritual…a lot more spiritual than many and many think I am. And to understand my background where west mean east, this is why I cannot have a God from a religious nature where any one of “God” and “Buddha” may be excluded as an idol. For me, the ultimate truth is love…… Love is what makes my world real, it is my truth and my reality.
Let me be the channel of your peace so that I may bring light where darkness swallows souls and I may bring joy and hope to the sad and hopeless. God, I know how childish of a thought it is of mine wanting to put a stop to suffering. I know I am childish and I know I am naïve, but as a child I hope in faith that I will be granted with this gift. This is because I am only human, I cannot and am not capable to love the way you do. Neither am I able to be the ultimate observer that watches mankind destroys itself yet be uninvolved that Buddha suggests. I am of this world and am part of it, its movement has an impact on me no matter how still I try to remain.
And yes as naïve as I am, I believe I understand your love… Your love in the parent role, the ability and patience to watch men goes on making mistakes when they exercise their “free will”. To be able to hold the hurt, anger and hostility as they curse you, hold you responsible and blame you for their foolish acts. God, you are so fair that you are so cruel!! God, you are so full of love that you are so cold-hearted!! I know many will be puzzled at my statements about you, but I am not. It is hard to explain how I feel this so deeply about you, how I know you in an abstract yet real way. God, teach me to be more human so that I will not try to strive to be you because it is not possible. Buddha grant me the enlightment to be able to be the lotus that grows from dirty soils so I may “be” amongst the ordinary fellow humans.
Pls note that my idea of God is going to be very different from yours. My God is of a philosophy nature not of religion. I am perhaps yet to be saved in some’s opinions but I am none the less spiritual…a lot more spiritual than many and many think I am. And to understand my background where west mean east, this is why I cannot have a God from a religious nature where any one of “God” and “Buddha” may be excluded as an idol. For me, the ultimate truth is love…… Love is what makes my world real, it is my truth and my reality.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Truth
Truth is a pizzle
Truth is a pizzle
A pizzle that lefts many confused and more pizzled
Every man think they got the "ulimate truth"
Yet to find out, one day
That they only hold a piece of the truth
You know it takes alot to see
Past that colours on your one piece
to see that other pieces exists!!
Truth is a pizzle
A pizzle that lefts many confused and more pizzled
Every man think they got the "ulimate truth"
Yet to find out, one day
That they only hold a piece of the truth
You know it takes alot to see
Past that colours on your one piece
to see that other pieces exists!!
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
counting positive things...2 weeks ago
Counting the good things that happens in this week
This “accounting” work is getting harder and harder as I sit in the office during this 21 day public servant strike as there is no stimulation from the outside world much at all. Although that’s the case, but I am still determined to count; no matter how difficult it may be……
I guess my relationship with the people in my department has improved a lot, at least I do not dislike anybody for any reasons at the moment. It is such a blessing to work for my boss Jenny, who I believe; has sheltered us from a big portion of the emotional damage this strike can have on us. It is great to know there is someone in the world that “rules” not by authority!! Should I one day become a manager of some kind myself; I want to be like her.
The other blessing that is linked to my department was that I have finally found a contact in the UK about going aboard and working there as an OT. I hope something good will comes of this young relationship too. I am very exciting about going overseas (once again, don’t forget I been overseas for 10 years now). However it saddens me that I have to leave my family in RSA when I go. I think there is really some degree of truth in what people says when they say “once you leave home, you will realize that your family was nicer than you think they were”.
And it is right, I have found that – I called my dad to wish him a happy father’s day last Sunday. He said something that he does not say frequently and very unlikely in person, he said to me “I will support your choice about next year whatever you decide on, but don’t forget my offer (he can easily work for another 6months and fund my 2 years masters)”. It is just touching to finally get to know the loving part of my father; I think it was the most wonderful father’s day gift I had ever received as a daughter.
Family related, I am finally feeling that I am kind of ready to marry Aaron. It is very heart warming being with him this weekend: D. And it wasn’t like anything very hopelessly romantic happened over the weekend. We went on walks and talked about God, we went to Chinese restaurant and had lunch there eating dumplings laughing out loud. I am so touched at how he attempts to love me the way I love…I found a little chocolate hiding in the back packet of my bag at work on Monday morning
Oh yes, I found a lot of very important things in life last weekend. Besides family and future family, I also found my God. I have decided that my God do not belong to any religion but is a philosophy. My God is an observer and a listener – my God watches over me. My God do not believe in giving people blessings or punishments, as he/she knows that I am capable of counting my own blessings or punishing myself cos’ I was given morality. Therefore he/she does not get happy or angry or upset when I do something “right” or “wrong”. My God has no need to forgive or to judge, cos’ he/she simply watches me and walks with me in life. I feel so freed by this idea— this idea that God does not control myself and God is not responsible for my problems, I somehow felt my burden was lighter when I think of this.
This “accounting” work is getting harder and harder as I sit in the office during this 21 day public servant strike as there is no stimulation from the outside world much at all. Although that’s the case, but I am still determined to count; no matter how difficult it may be……
I guess my relationship with the people in my department has improved a lot, at least I do not dislike anybody for any reasons at the moment. It is such a blessing to work for my boss Jenny, who I believe; has sheltered us from a big portion of the emotional damage this strike can have on us. It is great to know there is someone in the world that “rules” not by authority!! Should I one day become a manager of some kind myself; I want to be like her.
The other blessing that is linked to my department was that I have finally found a contact in the UK about going aboard and working there as an OT. I hope something good will comes of this young relationship too. I am very exciting about going overseas (once again, don’t forget I been overseas for 10 years now). However it saddens me that I have to leave my family in RSA when I go. I think there is really some degree of truth in what people says when they say “once you leave home, you will realize that your family was nicer than you think they were”.
And it is right, I have found that – I called my dad to wish him a happy father’s day last Sunday. He said something that he does not say frequently and very unlikely in person, he said to me “I will support your choice about next year whatever you decide on, but don’t forget my offer (he can easily work for another 6months and fund my 2 years masters)”. It is just touching to finally get to know the loving part of my father; I think it was the most wonderful father’s day gift I had ever received as a daughter.
Family related, I am finally feeling that I am kind of ready to marry Aaron. It is very heart warming being with him this weekend: D. And it wasn’t like anything very hopelessly romantic happened over the weekend. We went on walks and talked about God, we went to Chinese restaurant and had lunch there eating dumplings laughing out loud. I am so touched at how he attempts to love me the way I love…I found a little chocolate hiding in the back packet of my bag at work on Monday morning
Oh yes, I found a lot of very important things in life last weekend. Besides family and future family, I also found my God. I have decided that my God do not belong to any religion but is a philosophy. My God is an observer and a listener – my God watches over me. My God do not believe in giving people blessings or punishments, as he/she knows that I am capable of counting my own blessings or punishing myself cos’ I was given morality. Therefore he/she does not get happy or angry or upset when I do something “right” or “wrong”. My God has no need to forgive or to judge, cos’ he/she simply watches me and walks with me in life. I feel so freed by this idea— this idea that God does not control myself and God is not responsible for my problems, I somehow felt my burden was lighter when I think of this.
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