28.12.08 22.45

28.12.08 22.45

I sit here in my bed with my laptop on top of me after a very satisfying holiday at my love’s parents holiday cottage just an hour out of town but also remembering two members of the community who had recently passed away in a car accident on the 23rd Dec, 2008 around this time of the night.

I would like to spend a few moments of silence thinking of them and their lives as part of mine as I grew up since coming to this country where I am at now.





Sad, tragic, sudden, unfair etc are some of the words that came straight into my mind as I reflect on them. I have heard myself and others asking, “how could have this had happened to these two?”. Blaming was tried but it would never work for the driver was also a victim himself in their car who now has to shoulder the guilt and anger for the death of his mum and a family friend of his. Blaming the other driver, no it will not work either for we shall never know how and what really happened. Yes, maybe he drove too fast and maybe he was drank but people are gone and they are gone forever.

I am shocked and I do not want to believe this is it, I will never see them again since the last time one of them came to my engagement party in March 08. It was just the other day, my parents might have thought of bringing the invitation to my wedding around to them.

My mind is still saying…. “no, this can’t have happened; this cant be true. It can’t be them!!”. God, how do you want us to make sense of this all? Is there just one lesson in life to learn in here? The fact that there is (and never needed to have) a reason why bad things happens to good people, shit happens!! Being good does not mean you would be immune to bad things occurring to you or around you. God, this is a lesson I know you are trying to teach us but it is very hard for stupid human like me who is stubborn and rebellious – who want to fight this and want to fight fate and destiny as prescribed by you.

Let us remember these two members of the community. May them rest in peace and that they watch over the survivors of the accident so they may have a speedy recovery and that time may eventually heal this wound. Amen!

Grand Gift Exchange

Tonight, Aaron and I went through an important Chinese traditional wedding preparation ceremony called the Grand Gift Exchange. This ceremony symbolises the official engagement of a couple in my culture. This is also a signal for parents can start giving out the invitations for the wedding.

It was a very simple and informal ceremony in action. Aaron arrived with his godmother Sarah at 5pm today with beautifully packaged gifts in their hands for my family. And I, on the other hand, were to impressed my husband to be's family with lots of impressive cooking!! Luckily my mum had really helped me out:)

Through it is the prepartions that really took some time and effort to get done. There were a long list of everything that need to be bought in two's or four's symbolising mostly sweetness, togetherness forever, longitvity, prosperity, luck and weath.

It was a very very speical day:)

Started at VBH today

Gosh... I have started working again officially and ending my unemployment of 5 months & having turned down about 3 or 4 other offers before landing on this one.

Way to start a first day, a pt went completely naked (fortunately I wasn't right there inside where it was happening). Eiesh how lucky was I to already get this on a first day.

Discover I got 4 wards of 100 pts!!!! ahhh how the hell am I going to see all of them. I feel in demand and now I can sing Britney's song that goes "...you want a piece of me". God, help me to see all of them somehow!!

Challenges and opportunities, here I come!!!

Decisions decisions

Hi Blog

Now, I know the feeling of have something that you want and you have yet you cannot take.

It has been amazing that I have been offered so many different jobs in the last few months in different settings where OT may work. The latest is the one that I wanted the most. Yet I feel like I cannot take the offer seeing that I am afraid of the amount of work that will be involved concerning an area I know I suck at...

Sigh~~ I really do not know how this is going to work out. I just really need more leave than some of these people can give:( I understand them and their point of views but it remains a reality that I am needing more than what i am offered....

Someone help~~~~!!!!

Being the light and source of positive energy

Being the light and source of positive energy

I dont know why, but I feel the need and urge to remain positive and overly positive when someone around me is experiencing a downward trend in their lives around me.

Someone I know had received bad news about their health recently. While my whole family feel sad about it for this person, I try to instill hope. It feels like my responsibility to give that hope. I need to and want to give that hope... Perhaps it is because I don't want to feel the despair myself and let it drag me down, but I also want to be a source of positive energy for the negative situation so others may hold onto me for hope. This is not become I want to be desired for, but it is done in the sake of the person who received the bad news as others are bounded to act uncomfortably around him/her.

God, may I be the light and the source of hope for those who needs it. I questioned whether I did the right thing or not (the advices/the lack of it) that I gave. I do mental bargainning with God to give him/her a second chance. This person is much a honest human being with dignity, through he/she maybe silly and stubborn at times. This is a fine specimen of human being - does this individual not deserve a 2nd chance?

Is there really no room for negoiation at all, my God? I wish... I wish there is something we can do. What can I do to help?

From this story, I felt like I want to cry because I love life!! I value life!! I value the life of everyone and everything in the world... To know that a life may end in the visible future, it sadden me deeply.........................................................

feeling heavy and sad about my mark :)

Hi blog... Another down spiraling of life, I got a 48% from an assignment today back from class. It is a bit of an ouch.

It makes me feel heavy when I thought of it in relation to my current life. My first thought was 'gosh ok so I have to work harder at the next assignment'. This is crab when I think about my proposal that needs to be in 1st October, my next assignment, me supposively starting work on the 1st Oct and trying to sort out wedding/next year things on my own here while Aaron is overseas. I feel really alone with little help from others. This is a lonely battle that I am fighting......

It is disappointing to me as most of the people who knows me would know that I am highly competitive, hardworking, perfectionist and self critic. Even through I know that 48 is a number and is of no reflection of how competent or good I am really but it is still diappointing as it is frustrating for me to be unable to express myself. I have so much knowledge and ideas sitting in my head that I seem slow to act or unable to tell what I want to say.

One of my classmate was very nice, she noticed how disappointed I was and gave me a little chat and bought me tea to 'cheer me up'. I am grateful for her kindness however I only wish I can be less critical of myself. And this is something I know that will never be done unfortunately.

Sigh... Anita things takes time to come. Try to be patient~~ when are you going to learn that?

Back again in the spiral of fear and anxiety about unemployment

I am into my unemployment now for about 3.5months. I am feeling the anxiety about still yet to settle on a job. I was offered 2 in August which I turned down. I am sitting in the beginning of Sept, knowing I have done that right thing for myself yet still feel like a bit of an idiot.

Stress level is really just going up at this stage in the face of up and down's. I am feeling as if I was in a roller coaster going up and down and doing flips and flops@@.

Let's just hang on Anita, you can do this!! You are the most stubborn and determined person I have never knew, never give up is a phrase that is constantly kept being referred back to in your life. Never give up!! What is worth doing is never easy and nobody had ever promise life was going to be simple if you wanted excitement and challenges.

I know it doesn't have to be painful; but it certainly has to involve perseverances before whatever one may desire can be gained!! Like Churchhill said it, 'if you going through hell, keep going.'!!