Current affairs

Today I am really suprised by my supervisor's comment that as if she had said finally, Anita is only human. This was said in the context of me having send her an email to apologise for being out of touch after getting married a month ago.

I am suprised because how often in my life I had people around me looking at me and go "wow, she works so hard like a machine". I remember this the most deeply as a high school girl who was so alone in her goal to become a doctor and focused only on that and nothing else. It scared every single 'normal' girl around me - many of them asked, how the hell do I work like this?? My dear, my answer would have been and will always still be 'cos' I wanted it bad enough - bad enough to put my life in the flame and burn it for what I wanted!!'

I am suprised because I noticed how recently I had not slowed down - I had just been spinning faster and faster to a point I feel my life is no longer in control. That I feel like I am getting mad too by talking to mad people daily, like their maddness rubs off on you & now you becoming more like them - so who's normal now? Working at a psychiatric hospital is a blessing, it is an absolute blessing in the sense that you have to reflect and examine your own values, beliefs and perceptions all the time.

Recently, I came across a case where the pt attempted to dig his/her mother up from missing her so much - this really sadden me, that there is nothing else in the world this patient could find hope in; that he/she is absolutely desperate to have the support from his/her deceased mother. How cruel is the world to someone who feel this lonely? I bet very!!

God, I, Ka Yan; shall never give up!! I will never give up in bringing hope in others' life - no matter how hard this is at times. I dont expect the impossible from myself to give joy and hope but I wish I may be God to them - that through me, they see their God - the light at the end of the tunnel and if it's not their time to see the light, for them to know that somebody understand how hard it really is.

It is very tought for me at the moment, with 2 assignments due next monday and the monday after that. One half done and the other unstarted. And today I had a very hard day with really trying to provide therapy to patients but they are just not getting it (despire they all say how much they enjoy the way how I put things). I feel inadequate as a therapist - why would they get it? What's wrong with the way I am putting it? But I will not give up and I shall not fail! It is a difficult journey but if there is anybody in the world that has the stubborness, the will and power to do this, it would be me. God, I am small and I am insignificant but I have the power to pour out positive light into this world and I can make a difference - even if it's only one patient in my entire career as an OT, it is one person living more positively and that I consider my job well done.

Like I had said many many great many years ago, giving up does not exist in the dictionary of Ka Yan Ho (Now Hess). It still does not exist~ even at times I have to say this with my knees bent from stress and facing difficulties !

4 MORE WEEKS TILL BECOMING MRS HESS

I still cant believe how little singlehood is left in me before I am the offical Mrs Anita Hess. To be 'Anita Hess' is something that I am still trying to get used to seeing that this is a very English name for a very Chinese girl. It just seems odd I guess:)

Currently, Aaron and I are writing our vows and speeches. It is very exciting task and challenging@@. I enjoy being so creative about this and I hope it turns out right.

Watch this space:D

28.12.08 22.45

28.12.08 22.45

I sit here in my bed with my laptop on top of me after a very satisfying holiday at my love’s parents holiday cottage just an hour out of town but also remembering two members of the community who had recently passed away in a car accident on the 23rd Dec, 2008 around this time of the night.

I would like to spend a few moments of silence thinking of them and their lives as part of mine as I grew up since coming to this country where I am at now.





Sad, tragic, sudden, unfair etc are some of the words that came straight into my mind as I reflect on them. I have heard myself and others asking, “how could have this had happened to these two?”. Blaming was tried but it would never work for the driver was also a victim himself in their car who now has to shoulder the guilt and anger for the death of his mum and a family friend of his. Blaming the other driver, no it will not work either for we shall never know how and what really happened. Yes, maybe he drove too fast and maybe he was drank but people are gone and they are gone forever.

I am shocked and I do not want to believe this is it, I will never see them again since the last time one of them came to my engagement party in March 08. It was just the other day, my parents might have thought of bringing the invitation to my wedding around to them.

My mind is still saying…. “no, this can’t have happened; this cant be true. It can’t be them!!”. God, how do you want us to make sense of this all? Is there just one lesson in life to learn in here? The fact that there is (and never needed to have) a reason why bad things happens to good people, shit happens!! Being good does not mean you would be immune to bad things occurring to you or around you. God, this is a lesson I know you are trying to teach us but it is very hard for stupid human like me who is stubborn and rebellious – who want to fight this and want to fight fate and destiny as prescribed by you.

Let us remember these two members of the community. May them rest in peace and that they watch over the survivors of the accident so they may have a speedy recovery and that time may eventually heal this wound. Amen!

Grand Gift Exchange

Tonight, Aaron and I went through an important Chinese traditional wedding preparation ceremony called the Grand Gift Exchange. This ceremony symbolises the official engagement of a couple in my culture. This is also a signal for parents can start giving out the invitations for the wedding.

It was a very simple and informal ceremony in action. Aaron arrived with his godmother Sarah at 5pm today with beautifully packaged gifts in their hands for my family. And I, on the other hand, were to impressed my husband to be's family with lots of impressive cooking!! Luckily my mum had really helped me out:)

Through it is the prepartions that really took some time and effort to get done. There were a long list of everything that need to be bought in two's or four's symbolising mostly sweetness, togetherness forever, longitvity, prosperity, luck and weath.

It was a very very speical day:)

Started at VBH today

Gosh... I have started working again officially and ending my unemployment of 5 months & having turned down about 3 or 4 other offers before landing on this one.

Way to start a first day, a pt went completely naked (fortunately I wasn't right there inside where it was happening). Eiesh how lucky was I to already get this on a first day.

Discover I got 4 wards of 100 pts!!!! ahhh how the hell am I going to see all of them. I feel in demand and now I can sing Britney's song that goes "...you want a piece of me". God, help me to see all of them somehow!!

Challenges and opportunities, here I come!!!

Decisions decisions

Hi Blog

Now, I know the feeling of have something that you want and you have yet you cannot take.

It has been amazing that I have been offered so many different jobs in the last few months in different settings where OT may work. The latest is the one that I wanted the most. Yet I feel like I cannot take the offer seeing that I am afraid of the amount of work that will be involved concerning an area I know I suck at...

Sigh~~ I really do not know how this is going to work out. I just really need more leave than some of these people can give:( I understand them and their point of views but it remains a reality that I am needing more than what i am offered....

Someone help~~~~!!!!

Being the light and source of positive energy

Being the light and source of positive energy

I dont know why, but I feel the need and urge to remain positive and overly positive when someone around me is experiencing a downward trend in their lives around me.

Someone I know had received bad news about their health recently. While my whole family feel sad about it for this person, I try to instill hope. It feels like my responsibility to give that hope. I need to and want to give that hope... Perhaps it is because I don't want to feel the despair myself and let it drag me down, but I also want to be a source of positive energy for the negative situation so others may hold onto me for hope. This is not become I want to be desired for, but it is done in the sake of the person who received the bad news as others are bounded to act uncomfortably around him/her.

God, may I be the light and the source of hope for those who needs it. I questioned whether I did the right thing or not (the advices/the lack of it) that I gave. I do mental bargainning with God to give him/her a second chance. This person is much a honest human being with dignity, through he/she maybe silly and stubborn at times. This is a fine specimen of human being - does this individual not deserve a 2nd chance?

Is there really no room for negoiation at all, my God? I wish... I wish there is something we can do. What can I do to help?

From this story, I felt like I want to cry because I love life!! I value life!! I value the life of everyone and everything in the world... To know that a life may end in the visible future, it sadden me deeply.........................................................