We have just had a house warming party at our house in Witbank last Wednesday, and I remember feeling how different I feel from some of the other people that were present there at my party. There is this one group who gotten themselve rather drunk and vague. From seeing that in front of my eyes, suddenly I sense my mind froozed and took a snap shoot of the scene in front of my eyes and I began to examine inwards on this question I have always struggled with: "why can I never fit in with others? Why do I have to feel the emptyiness inside me when I watch them having drunken fun despite that I never had wanted to have such kind of fun under influrence anyways?"
I remembered myself saying to myself "this year, 2007; I want to meet more people, have somemore fun cos' I am not at home and mix with people whom I dont necessarily think they are my type of friends potentials". But this froozen snap shoot in my brain is protesting against my wish to meet people and some wild fun. It is in fact telling me the following after reflection:
1) There are so so many kinds of people in the world, and I cannot like them all.
2) I acknowledged that "yes, I wanted it" but it really isn't what I needed. I am just not the kind of people that is able to allow myself to be totally drunk in others' party, make a fool of myself and call that FUN! I am unable to allow myself, additionaly I do not rely on that to have fun.
3) It has been very hard to be so different to others around me throughout my life and some of the times I really wanted just to fit in rather than put up a fight. But it is seeing these bunch that symbolise the kind of people that makes me feel gulity for being different finally allows me to be at peace and say to myself "well, it is okay that I am different; I am in fact glad that I am not the same as they are."
In a way, I know I felt their emptyiness and was sad for them; but on personally level, I am relieved and glad that I am not like them. My life journey is no longer about trying to have their kind of fun and be like them, however from hereon, it will be about to accept and love my own uniqueness more than I had ever before.
Let me come to terms with myself and the person I am, that there is only one me in this world. I am not unique for no reason!!
Friday, February 23, 2007
Saturday, February 17, 2007
My work at work
Working in a medical ward
It has been really depressing to see the amounts of RVDs in the ward, just about everyone has it. And having it makes life much harder; they get illnesses they are not suppose to and present in a funny unusual way. And as a health professional, I felt helpless as I am unable to help, to improve the person's health. Yes I know I am not a doctor and it is hence not my job to fight with Death. However, it is my responsibility and what I find meaning in..is to bring meaning, hope and joy in people's lives. The enemy I fight is not Death, but fear and despairs. They are harder enemies to fight than one can possibly imagine. Someone could be living died (emotionally numb) but when u die, u die..that's the end of battle. How can I possibly steal hope, meaning and joy from fear and despair when they are so powerful?
I know I havent really been writing about this, but it is tough to be health professional. it is tough and I would say it again; I have watched so many people dead and dying. I have to ask myself, is this normal for a sure to be 23 years old?
All I can say is that it is very tough at the moment, watching people losing their battle before the end of it. You can just sense it in their dim and dull eyes that asks " what future do I have?" and "who are you to stop me from dying, do I not even have the choice to die?"
It has been really depressing to see the amounts of RVDs in the ward, just about everyone has it. And having it makes life much harder; they get illnesses they are not suppose to and present in a funny unusual way. And as a health professional, I felt helpless as I am unable to help, to improve the person's health. Yes I know I am not a doctor and it is hence not my job to fight with Death. However, it is my responsibility and what I find meaning in..is to bring meaning, hope and joy in people's lives. The enemy I fight is not Death, but fear and despairs. They are harder enemies to fight than one can possibly imagine. Someone could be living died (emotionally numb) but when u die, u die..that's the end of battle. How can I possibly steal hope, meaning and joy from fear and despair when they are so powerful?
I know I havent really been writing about this, but it is tough to be health professional. it is tough and I would say it again; I have watched so many people dead and dying. I have to ask myself, is this normal for a sure to be 23 years old?
All I can say is that it is very tough at the moment, watching people losing their battle before the end of it. You can just sense it in their dim and dull eyes that asks " what future do I have?" and "who are you to stop me from dying, do I not even have the choice to die?"
Beauty..what beauty/uglyiness??
I was watching "Shall we Dance" the movie (starring J-Lo and Richard Gear) and really loved it the way dancing is so wonderful and beautiful. I really think I want to do ballroom sometime; I have been hoping to do it with someone I love. However, I am not sure if the someone I love would like dancing.
He mentioned about how competition removes the beautiful of dancing from it, I began to wonder if it does remove it. It still looked amazing to me, the moves and the people and their clothes. Besides, who decide what is beauty anyways? Isnt that just another set of rules to say if this is the right way to do something or wrong way to do something??? At this point, this was where I wondered further...DOESNT THE WORLD HAVE SPACE FOR "UGLY" THINGS ANYMORE? Why shouldn't uglyiness and beauty be treated equally? What is wrong with uglyiness, is it evil? I laugh at it as I remember a poem by William Blake as follows:
TIGER, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?
And what shoulder and what art
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand and what dread feet?
What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? What dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
When the stars threw down their spears,
And water'd heaven with their tears,
Did He smile His work to see?
Did He who made the lamb make thee?
Tiger, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
Note, to not give uglyiness space in the world because it is not beautiful; to me, it is the same as to asking God "how can you make the tiger while you make some gentle animal like the lambs" in Blake's Poem. Does God ever answer this question, the answer is NO! (well that is at least I haven't heard the answer). But I "see" God's point in not answering Blake's question, because God preaches unconditional love...no matter how good or evil and no matter how beautiful or ugly. Let's have a look at 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, as follows:
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
So, beauty??? Who's beauty??? What do this "who" think beauty is? I have always oh so struggle with morality, who's idea of rights and wrongs is it? I somehow believes there is never right and wrong but inappropriate things to have been done at the time. There is no absolute or certainity, that's what I want to tell you all (and yes I know, most people who has a religion will want to kill me on this one cos' their religions have rights and wrongs/good and evils!! I feel kind of sad for myself, feel real hollow inside cos' I dont think the world has space for me and my ideas either. I guess I am far too frightening and dangerous.
In the end, I can only pull out my ironic smile again and agrees...donomite does indeed comes in small packages.
He mentioned about how competition removes the beautiful of dancing from it, I began to wonder if it does remove it. It still looked amazing to me, the moves and the people and their clothes. Besides, who decide what is beauty anyways? Isnt that just another set of rules to say if this is the right way to do something or wrong way to do something??? At this point, this was where I wondered further...DOESNT THE WORLD HAVE SPACE FOR "UGLY" THINGS ANYMORE? Why shouldn't uglyiness and beauty be treated equally? What is wrong with uglyiness, is it evil? I laugh at it as I remember a poem by William Blake as follows:
TIGER, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?
And what shoulder and what art
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand and what dread feet?
What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? What dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
When the stars threw down their spears,
And water'd heaven with their tears,
Did He smile His work to see?
Did He who made the lamb make thee?
Tiger, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
Note, to not give uglyiness space in the world because it is not beautiful; to me, it is the same as to asking God "how can you make the tiger while you make some gentle animal like the lambs" in Blake's Poem. Does God ever answer this question, the answer is NO! (well that is at least I haven't heard the answer). But I "see" God's point in not answering Blake's question, because God preaches unconditional love...no matter how good or evil and no matter how beautiful or ugly. Let's have a look at 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, as follows:
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
So, beauty??? Who's beauty??? What do this "who" think beauty is? I have always oh so struggle with morality, who's idea of rights and wrongs is it? I somehow believes there is never right and wrong but inappropriate things to have been done at the time. There is no absolute or certainity, that's what I want to tell you all (and yes I know, most people who has a religion will want to kill me on this one cos' their religions have rights and wrongs/good and evils!! I feel kind of sad for myself, feel real hollow inside cos' I dont think the world has space for me and my ideas either. I guess I am far too frightening and dangerous.
In the end, I can only pull out my ironic smile again and agrees...donomite does indeed comes in small packages.
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