Last week, while the OT in charge of the paeds was on holiday; I took care of 3 patients in one of her wards for her. There were a mother & child pair which is the main characters of this story.
I started my week with them building trust, discussing what is difficult for being a 20 year old mum while studying Gr. 9 without the father of the child and having had a stroke and then I went onto practising ways of making life easier with the mum for them both. Suddenly, when I arrived the next day; I saw the mum crying and holding onto her equally crying baby tightly in her arms while surrounded by aggressive looking doctor and nurses who were trying to convience her to stay and go to the hospice for RVD rx for the baby. The mum's will was strong with regards to going home going hospice is a place to die & the baby hasn't improved in 4mths which earned her the comments of a doctor to say "she's killing her baby and she is a bad mum" and "by law, we should actually take the baby away from her".
For God's sake, why did you make that comment, Dr. "I know what's best"?! How dare you judge the mum for her decision?! How dare you for wanting to kill her self esteem and strip her of her identity of being a mum?! You are white and male and young, WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU KNOW BETTER THAN SHE DOES ABOUT BEING THIS BABY GIRL'S MUM??? I know the law you are talking about and it is about child abuse and neglect. I do not believe that being by the baby's side for 8 months and had to quit school for it is an action from a child abuser or neglector?! You are killing the baby by stabbing her mum. Not to forget that the baby is at stage 4 in RVD and is dying anyways.., do you smile to see that this poor baby girl is to die in some cold lonely uncomfortable and unloved corner of a children's hospice/home cos' you think she does not have a mum that fits to be her mum? How cruel is it to seperate mum and child? How cruel is it to want the kid to die unsurrounded by love and loved ones? How dare you not to consider the social stimga and pressure she and her family is facing which leads to her choice?! How dare you for stabbing a bleeding heart? This mum had fought so long and so hard for her child, she may be young but she is a loving mum! God, am I the only person here in the team who believes in her (and in fact knew least about her)?
God, I am upset about this and my heart is still bleeding for this pair. It is unlikely I will see them again cos' they are far into the development of their illnesses. God, teach me how to deal with this? How to do something about this injustice? No amount of apology will ever heal the 20 year old mum's heart. She has been trying so hard yet she was not good enough in some morron's eyes. IT is like getting snapped on your face and getting told you are a born failure and you will never be amount to anything.
What am I to do? So many collague had heard my story and then moved on, is there nobody who will be prepared to do anything about it? I want to give that morron a wake up call!!! Life is not always about the length of it but the width (the quality of life)! We do not have the power to decide who lives and for how long does someone live but we certainly can contribute towards a better/more comfortable stay on earth for their time left. Why do you have to shut the door by deciding so early about how gd/bad a person is? How do you expect her to want to ask u for help if you just push her away like this?
God, help me please!! help me to live past this one event in my professional career. I know how this will always stay in my mind and how this will always remain a sad event for me. God help me to stop this injustise!!
Monday, March 5, 2007
The secret is out!
So the secret is out, apparently the community claims that they know that I have been dating a white guy for a long time. And on top of that, it is congrat as a great move to compensate for my "chinese-english" (chinese style english, i.e. as in your english is not good enough) by a certain arrgonant ex-university goer ("Mr. Z") in the community.
God, I think; I have the right to feel anger, is that correct and ok with You? I wanted to scream "f*** off, it is none of your S***'s business!!!!" What is with you guys? I know, for a long time; society does not allow people to step out of their line easily and I know I have been doing just it all along in all these years. And I know, one day; the "punishment" will come in forms of nasty comments like this. God, please teach me how to walk on waters and not sink cos' they are trying to push me down!! I am trying to get a hold on myself so i dont drown in their saliva. Although, on the other hand; I am amazed at the creativity in making the connections between all my actions in a way that I cannot even imagine myself and of course never thought of.
Let me ask my infamous question again: "why is there so little love in the world that it doesn't go round???" Why the criticism and why the shoulder and nasty voice?? Am I a sore in your eyes so much that you feel a certain irritation which is the cause of your nastiness? God, why are you sending me to find an answer to this impossible question? The interesting thing was that I was just exactly scared of myself becoming like Mr. Z over the weekend. I know I have made comments about the "other part of society", "those bunch" etc. I would like to hereby make myself remember this, remember this arrogances and avoid it!
Mr. Z has always displayed unwelcomed criticism of others and send off the signals that others are not on his level(of education, i guess in his case). It is so easy to do exactly what Mr. Z is doing, cos' we can. Cos' we are "highly educated" and "more intelligent" or "morally more correct" and better than "those natives/less civialised". I do understand that in his days, going to university is rare and it puts you on a pretty throne if you went to it. Like I said to my mum, "well, I guess everyone has the right to be proud of their own achievements, but over-proudness is a personally choice. It is up to the one possessing the power/knowledge to decide how proud they want themselves to be with their achievements and we can do nothing but respects it as much as we humanily possibly can". However, I do condemn being so proud of yourself that you think the whole worlds are full of stupid people. If you are happy with yourself, God knows my heart that I am happy for you too. But if you are so happy with yourself that you think I am not as good as you are then I am sorry to say that I cannot deal with you. WHAT AN ARROGANT PRICK is this to think I date a white guy to compensate for my poor english?!!?! I find this way of equaling my love life with my level of english really odd. Esp. the laughable thing is that my level of ability to write these letters that he is basing his measurements are much higher than many youngsters that I know. And besides, what is wrong with it?? As long as I get my point across and it is working for me, how dare you to JUDGE me?
This is where I fear no death, cos' I believe in God for this one... I believe God would judge me fairly and I have got nothing to be ashammed of. How dare you Mr. Z for judging me like that?! How dare you community for trying to punish me for being myself and that happens to be different from the majority of you??! What is wrong in your eyes that I love to live my life the way I live it and yet I am helping others in my daily life not harming anybody?
God, this is going to take me awhile to calm down again about... cos' this is not right!!! How dare they to judge me and they themselves are not perfect!
God, I think; I have the right to feel anger, is that correct and ok with You? I wanted to scream "f*** off, it is none of your S***'s business!!!!" What is with you guys? I know, for a long time; society does not allow people to step out of their line easily and I know I have been doing just it all along in all these years. And I know, one day; the "punishment" will come in forms of nasty comments like this. God, please teach me how to walk on waters and not sink cos' they are trying to push me down!! I am trying to get a hold on myself so i dont drown in their saliva. Although, on the other hand; I am amazed at the creativity in making the connections between all my actions in a way that I cannot even imagine myself and of course never thought of.
Let me ask my infamous question again: "why is there so little love in the world that it doesn't go round???" Why the criticism and why the shoulder and nasty voice?? Am I a sore in your eyes so much that you feel a certain irritation which is the cause of your nastiness? God, why are you sending me to find an answer to this impossible question? The interesting thing was that I was just exactly scared of myself becoming like Mr. Z over the weekend. I know I have made comments about the "other part of society", "those bunch" etc. I would like to hereby make myself remember this, remember this arrogances and avoid it!
Mr. Z has always displayed unwelcomed criticism of others and send off the signals that others are not on his level(of education, i guess in his case). It is so easy to do exactly what Mr. Z is doing, cos' we can. Cos' we are "highly educated" and "more intelligent" or "morally more correct" and better than "those natives/less civialised". I do understand that in his days, going to university is rare and it puts you on a pretty throne if you went to it. Like I said to my mum, "well, I guess everyone has the right to be proud of their own achievements, but over-proudness is a personally choice. It is up to the one possessing the power/knowledge to decide how proud they want themselves to be with their achievements and we can do nothing but respects it as much as we humanily possibly can". However, I do condemn being so proud of yourself that you think the whole worlds are full of stupid people. If you are happy with yourself, God knows my heart that I am happy for you too. But if you are so happy with yourself that you think I am not as good as you are then I am sorry to say that I cannot deal with you. WHAT AN ARROGANT PRICK is this to think I date a white guy to compensate for my poor english?!!?! I find this way of equaling my love life with my level of english really odd. Esp. the laughable thing is that my level of ability to write these letters that he is basing his measurements are much higher than many youngsters that I know. And besides, what is wrong with it?? As long as I get my point across and it is working for me, how dare you to JUDGE me?
This is where I fear no death, cos' I believe in God for this one... I believe God would judge me fairly and I have got nothing to be ashammed of. How dare you Mr. Z for judging me like that?! How dare you community for trying to punish me for being myself and that happens to be different from the majority of you??! What is wrong in your eyes that I love to live my life the way I live it and yet I am helping others in my daily life not harming anybody?
God, this is going to take me awhile to calm down again about... cos' this is not right!!! How dare they to judge me and they themselves are not perfect!
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