my journey of disability

I was at a masters class today talking and throwing ideas around 'how do I really feel about disability?'...

I found myself silenced - this is a very interesting and strange phenomona - how can a health professional who fights her life and with her fellow collagues about disaiblity not have something to say immediately.

I pondered and the first reaction I felt was anger, injustice, hopelessness, sadness, gulit.... the list goes on. Then I asked myself, why did I ended up as a health professional - how did I ended up as an OT? The answer was obvious to me:

When I was small, I was a high achiever that hated people teasing other students around me about them being fat, stupid, lazy, useless and will not amount to much. My brother was one of those who were teased. I as a child couldnt stand by and watch others do this to others (the others who included my brother). Those whom are labelled are human beings just like others and myself were - we were all children,how can one child be so nasty to another one? It makes no sense at all. This was why my motto for a long time were -"to give hope to the hopeless and to help the helpless; never again shall I ever let them stand alone and be attacked in this world!!!"

What is deeper than the heroic picture of myself - is my marganlisation experience as a 7 year old who were perceived to have some incurable diseases because I was in Africa 1 week more than we had time for holiday. Nobody wanted to be my friend, everyone ostersied me and joked about how infectorious I was. There was that boy who I had fought cats and dogs with that year - it was him who sticked out his hand to me and said "dont worried, I will be your friend" as I cried out of frustration and hurt. I wanted to be that someone that stands by people who faces very difficult struggles and challenges in life.

Now ask deeper: what do I fear if that was me???

I fear loneliness, not having the chance to maxmising my achievement, not having the freedom to be, to do and to become who I wanted to be, I fear to be put inside a box where there is a ceiling enforced onto me saying "this is it, you will never be any better than this". No, I will not accept this is it, this is me and this should be how it is for people like me - i cannot let this happen to somebody else. It hurts so much for me, I would never wish someone else to received the same rejection, margelisation, othering that I experienced in a small incident.