It is late yet I am not sleeping... I cannot believe that you are gone...
If I say you are not someone significant in my life, I do not think I would be dishonest because I had only got a chance to see you more often in this last 6 months when I started being regular at this place I had met you since I was 14.
But yet you were there... you were there in my journey of struggling to become someone in a helping profession. You were one of the very first I had came to know and was hoping to help. You were there and you never changed - in fact you were more consistant and honest about your feelings, emotions and thinking than a lot of the people I had ever known - yet many ordinary people would be puzzled at why you were part of a beacon in my developing life.
I do not know if you ever realised how much knowing you added colour to my life. I do not know if you would ever know or notice. I hope that you never suffered the 'humanity' of the normal society - that you had remain untouched by the suffering and saddness that surrounds us. And I hope that you are in heaven now, in peace and with God.
Strangely and ironically, I even laugh at myself at this; I am going to miss your irritating greeting habits and style as I get to this place we used to see one another. I hated it but I am also going to miss it and miss you being in this place.
R.I.P. a star that shined upon me as I struggled - we will not be in a hurry to forget you...
Monday, June 29, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
Maybe I am just having growing pain...
Recently I have really had a hard time at work with political clashes with different members of the team. As I lie here, sick at home; I realise the fire within my heart is still burning and difficult to contain because it wants to come out like a devil - be agressive, have no mercy and do not want to delay gracification and rupture like a volcano onto whoever that happens to be standing in the wrong spot at the wrong time.
Speaking to my new mum (my mother in law) on the phone who is a social worker by training, I asked the question "why does it have to be some individual that fights for others? Yet everybody will benefit from this one (or a few) brave individual fighting but in the down times, the crowd follows the oppressors?" I believe that we need to stop being a walk over if we want any respect and dignity. OTs can do much more and we shouldnt be denied the opportunities to be a full OT - we can definitely do more than just FCEs, splints, PGs, pencil grip and wheelchair prescriptions!! What will it take for OTs to stop being afriad? How long do we have to wait until we get that critical mass so we can voice for ourselves and our clients fearlessly?
From these recent experiences, I realise that it is not conflicts that I fear but the beast in me that I fear. Yet, I know I want to fight not with the individuals, but I want to take stupid stuck-up ideologies with my bare hands and shake it to tell it 'we will no longer submit and subscribe to your power or dictation!!! NO MORE!!'
Enough is enough and no more no further!!
Bridgid was saying that I would need to hold onto my rare qualities and let it grow and be shaped into something more refined before I can use it. And that I have to accept I will have to continue watching others suffer in the process, as I cannot take away the suffering. God, I know I am meant to walk alongside those who are in pain and crying; but it is inhuman to expect me to be able to be this brave this young to not want to go down with them. My soul do not want to give in to the powerful ones who silence me and those who I dare to represent on certain issues yet my legs are finding it hard to keep standing up striaght never mind the advancing forward as the battle begins.
I know I am 'just' having growing pain, in order to become the 'angel', in order for the wings to come out from my back; I have to cry I have to bleed. I just pray that I do not die from exhaustion from burnt out from disappointment before the process is completed. Or that someone tries to kill me because they are too afriad of what I will become......
Speaking to my new mum (my mother in law) on the phone who is a social worker by training, I asked the question "why does it have to be some individual that fights for others? Yet everybody will benefit from this one (or a few) brave individual fighting but in the down times, the crowd follows the oppressors?" I believe that we need to stop being a walk over if we want any respect and dignity. OTs can do much more and we shouldnt be denied the opportunities to be a full OT - we can definitely do more than just FCEs, splints, PGs, pencil grip and wheelchair prescriptions!! What will it take for OTs to stop being afriad? How long do we have to wait until we get that critical mass so we can voice for ourselves and our clients fearlessly?
From these recent experiences, I realise that it is not conflicts that I fear but the beast in me that I fear. Yet, I know I want to fight not with the individuals, but I want to take stupid stuck-up ideologies with my bare hands and shake it to tell it 'we will no longer submit and subscribe to your power or dictation!!! NO MORE!!'
Enough is enough and no more no further!!
Bridgid was saying that I would need to hold onto my rare qualities and let it grow and be shaped into something more refined before I can use it. And that I have to accept I will have to continue watching others suffer in the process, as I cannot take away the suffering. God, I know I am meant to walk alongside those who are in pain and crying; but it is inhuman to expect me to be able to be this brave this young to not want to go down with them. My soul do not want to give in to the powerful ones who silence me and those who I dare to represent on certain issues yet my legs are finding it hard to keep standing up striaght never mind the advancing forward as the battle begins.
I know I am 'just' having growing pain, in order to become the 'angel', in order for the wings to come out from my back; I have to cry I have to bleed. I just pray that I do not die from exhaustion from burnt out from disappointment before the process is completed. Or that someone tries to kill me because they are too afriad of what I will become......
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