Recently I have really had a hard time at work with political clashes with different members of the team. As I lie here, sick at home; I realise the fire within my heart is still burning and difficult to contain because it wants to come out like a devil - be agressive, have no mercy and do not want to delay gracification and rupture like a volcano onto whoever that happens to be standing in the wrong spot at the wrong time.
Speaking to my new mum (my mother in law) on the phone who is a social worker by training, I asked the question "why does it have to be some individual that fights for others? Yet everybody will benefit from this one (or a few) brave individual fighting but in the down times, the crowd follows the oppressors?" I believe that we need to stop being a walk over if we want any respect and dignity. OTs can do much more and we shouldnt be denied the opportunities to be a full OT - we can definitely do more than just FCEs, splints, PGs, pencil grip and wheelchair prescriptions!! What will it take for OTs to stop being afriad? How long do we have to wait until we get that critical mass so we can voice for ourselves and our clients fearlessly?
From these recent experiences, I realise that it is not conflicts that I fear but the beast in me that I fear. Yet, I know I want to fight not with the individuals, but I want to take stupid stuck-up ideologies with my bare hands and shake it to tell it 'we will no longer submit and subscribe to your power or dictation!!! NO MORE!!'
Enough is enough and no more no further!!
Bridgid was saying that I would need to hold onto my rare qualities and let it grow and be shaped into something more refined before I can use it. And that I have to accept I will have to continue watching others suffer in the process, as I cannot take away the suffering. God, I know I am meant to walk alongside those who are in pain and crying; but it is inhuman to expect me to be able to be this brave this young to not want to go down with them. My soul do not want to give in to the powerful ones who silence me and those who I dare to represent on certain issues yet my legs are finding it hard to keep standing up striaght never mind the advancing forward as the battle begins.
I know I am 'just' having growing pain, in order to become the 'angel', in order for the wings to come out from my back; I have to cry I have to bleed. I just pray that I do not die from exhaustion from burnt out from disappointment before the process is completed. Or that someone tries to kill me because they are too afriad of what I will become......
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To add, I know and I accept suffering is part of the growing process - it would be unfair if I took it away from others because it would also take away others' chance to develop their potential
But god, how impossible is it as a task to catch and to just walk alongside suffering doing less that I can?
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