Truth is a pizzle
Truth is a pizzle
A pizzle that lefts many confused and more pizzled
Every man think they got the "ulimate truth"
Yet to find out, one day
That they only hold a piece of the truth
You know it takes alot to see
Past that colours on your one piece
to see that other pieces exists!!
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
counting positive things...2 weeks ago
Counting the good things that happens in this week
This “accounting” work is getting harder and harder as I sit in the office during this 21 day public servant strike as there is no stimulation from the outside world much at all. Although that’s the case, but I am still determined to count; no matter how difficult it may be……
I guess my relationship with the people in my department has improved a lot, at least I do not dislike anybody for any reasons at the moment. It is such a blessing to work for my boss Jenny, who I believe; has sheltered us from a big portion of the emotional damage this strike can have on us. It is great to know there is someone in the world that “rules” not by authority!! Should I one day become a manager of some kind myself; I want to be like her.
The other blessing that is linked to my department was that I have finally found a contact in the UK about going aboard and working there as an OT. I hope something good will comes of this young relationship too. I am very exciting about going overseas (once again, don’t forget I been overseas for 10 years now). However it saddens me that I have to leave my family in RSA when I go. I think there is really some degree of truth in what people says when they say “once you leave home, you will realize that your family was nicer than you think they were”.
And it is right, I have found that – I called my dad to wish him a happy father’s day last Sunday. He said something that he does not say frequently and very unlikely in person, he said to me “I will support your choice about next year whatever you decide on, but don’t forget my offer (he can easily work for another 6months and fund my 2 years masters)”. It is just touching to finally get to know the loving part of my father; I think it was the most wonderful father’s day gift I had ever received as a daughter.
Family related, I am finally feeling that I am kind of ready to marry Aaron. It is very heart warming being with him this weekend: D. And it wasn’t like anything very hopelessly romantic happened over the weekend. We went on walks and talked about God, we went to Chinese restaurant and had lunch there eating dumplings laughing out loud. I am so touched at how he attempts to love me the way I love…I found a little chocolate hiding in the back packet of my bag at work on Monday morning
Oh yes, I found a lot of very important things in life last weekend. Besides family and future family, I also found my God. I have decided that my God do not belong to any religion but is a philosophy. My God is an observer and a listener – my God watches over me. My God do not believe in giving people blessings or punishments, as he/she knows that I am capable of counting my own blessings or punishing myself cos’ I was given morality. Therefore he/she does not get happy or angry or upset when I do something “right” or “wrong”. My God has no need to forgive or to judge, cos’ he/she simply watches me and walks with me in life. I feel so freed by this idea— this idea that God does not control myself and God is not responsible for my problems, I somehow felt my burden was lighter when I think of this.
This “accounting” work is getting harder and harder as I sit in the office during this 21 day public servant strike as there is no stimulation from the outside world much at all. Although that’s the case, but I am still determined to count; no matter how difficult it may be……
I guess my relationship with the people in my department has improved a lot, at least I do not dislike anybody for any reasons at the moment. It is such a blessing to work for my boss Jenny, who I believe; has sheltered us from a big portion of the emotional damage this strike can have on us. It is great to know there is someone in the world that “rules” not by authority!! Should I one day become a manager of some kind myself; I want to be like her.
The other blessing that is linked to my department was that I have finally found a contact in the UK about going aboard and working there as an OT. I hope something good will comes of this young relationship too. I am very exciting about going overseas (once again, don’t forget I been overseas for 10 years now). However it saddens me that I have to leave my family in RSA when I go. I think there is really some degree of truth in what people says when they say “once you leave home, you will realize that your family was nicer than you think they were”.
And it is right, I have found that – I called my dad to wish him a happy father’s day last Sunday. He said something that he does not say frequently and very unlikely in person, he said to me “I will support your choice about next year whatever you decide on, but don’t forget my offer (he can easily work for another 6months and fund my 2 years masters)”. It is just touching to finally get to know the loving part of my father; I think it was the most wonderful father’s day gift I had ever received as a daughter.
Family related, I am finally feeling that I am kind of ready to marry Aaron. It is very heart warming being with him this weekend: D. And it wasn’t like anything very hopelessly romantic happened over the weekend. We went on walks and talked about God, we went to Chinese restaurant and had lunch there eating dumplings laughing out loud. I am so touched at how he attempts to love me the way I love…I found a little chocolate hiding in the back packet of my bag at work on Monday morning
Oh yes, I found a lot of very important things in life last weekend. Besides family and future family, I also found my God. I have decided that my God do not belong to any religion but is a philosophy. My God is an observer and a listener – my God watches over me. My God do not believe in giving people blessings or punishments, as he/she knows that I am capable of counting my own blessings or punishing myself cos’ I was given morality. Therefore he/she does not get happy or angry or upset when I do something “right” or “wrong”. My God has no need to forgive or to judge, cos’ he/she simply watches me and walks with me in life. I feel so freed by this idea— this idea that God does not control myself and God is not responsible for my problems, I somehow felt my burden was lighter when I think of this.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Positive things that happened Last week
Positive things that had happened last week:
As I have promise myself, I wanted to write about positive things in daily life more these days to help myself feel less depressed; so here I am counting my blessings.
But first I want to acknowledge how scary it really is to experience a strike in action. One never know where to turn or what to do to keep oneself out of trouble yet upholding one’s morality and ethics. It is a very hard decision to make. This week, I was faced with an ethical dilemma as the strike begins. While higher governmental employees are getting an increase of salary at a sickening rate, people on the ground level were offered a merely 6.5% (a so called inflation in lined rate). I can fully understand and agree why people should and would strike!! Yet as a health professional, it is illegal and unethical for us to be striking. This places us in a situation of “we vs. them”. The health professional are the “them” who go against the crowd, hence we are in danger. But on the other hand, how can I watch patient die if the strike gets out of hand? It really was a very hard decision to make…should I risk myself to help or not? It had been fortunate that nothing of very destructive nature is happening… We are really lucky until otherwise proven.
To begin with counting my blessings this week: There were 4 very heart warming incidences that happened to me this week. The first three were on Tuesday when I was at CHC clinic doing my job.
1) A mother expressed her concern and worries about “will there be nice people like you at the hospital? The people in the hospital don’t care as much as you did. Thank you.” It was very touching for me, for once; my service was well appreciated and I can sense that this mom will go home and do the home exercise programs I have demonstrate to her with her child.
2) An old lady in a wheelchair who had a long history of CVA had been really depressed. She came in for the 2nd time to see me, she asked me “doctor, am I going to be okay?” with her fearful eyes that shouts out to me for comfort and reassurance. I had to be firm and real yet caring, so I said to her “Mama, I am afraid that your stroke is going to stay pretty much the same as it is.” She replied, “I know doctor, I know that my body is old and it does not heal so well anymore.” I felt her last hope fading, I had to instill hope in her so I attempted, “Mama but God has not forgotten you, look at what a great family you have got. Look how much your daughter cares about you, God is still with you.” That moment, our eyes met and we connected. This had touched me deeply and I think this moment will always be remembered by me or perhaps her as well.
3) Lastly, with a gentlemen that is there to see us for the 2nd time with his daughter. The same complain from his daughter persisted, “he don’t do nothing, he swears at us and don’t cooperates.” But something told me that I saw the picture differently, because of the way he looks confused when we speak. I really felt sorry for him for getting into trouble with the OT students previously— he was so misunderstood!! At the end, what it was is that his hearing aid had broken so he cannot hear what you said to him and therefore he does not understand what is required of him which makes him look uncooperative. I was angry with the family but yet understood that his daughter must have been feeling tired and burnt out for looking after him while others in the family do not help much at all.
The positive moment came when Dini (my rotation supervisor) said to me “Anita, it was really sharp of you to have picked that up.” My reward for being quiet and quite an observer had finally come. After all, it is not all that bad to be an introvert who can sense and feel for others more easily. I felt that finally, in a world of extroverts (or pro-extroverts); being an introvert has its values and place.
The last one came in yesterday evening while I was queuing at the ATM for cash, a colleague that was due to leave for a HOD post in Joburg came queuing behind me. We chatted after we got our money and he asked my plans for next year. After I told him honestly about my plans, he said to me “well if my hospital had a post open, would you consider it?” I thought to myself, “wow! What a compliment in disgust!”. Despite we have not known each other for that long, he thought I was a good person to work with. It meant a lot to me that the world does not think about me the way I thought they would. Some people actually values me and likes me.
I know here I may sound like a depressive patient in a ward and I admit that my self esteem is not that great ever since I didn’t get into medicine. Further, I doubt myself a lot, not only because I am not the most confident person in the world but because I believe that I am much more all-seeing and observant than most so I want to be and am humble.
As I have promise myself, I wanted to write about positive things in daily life more these days to help myself feel less depressed; so here I am counting my blessings.
But first I want to acknowledge how scary it really is to experience a strike in action. One never know where to turn or what to do to keep oneself out of trouble yet upholding one’s morality and ethics. It is a very hard decision to make. This week, I was faced with an ethical dilemma as the strike begins. While higher governmental employees are getting an increase of salary at a sickening rate, people on the ground level were offered a merely 6.5% (a so called inflation in lined rate). I can fully understand and agree why people should and would strike!! Yet as a health professional, it is illegal and unethical for us to be striking. This places us in a situation of “we vs. them”. The health professional are the “them” who go against the crowd, hence we are in danger. But on the other hand, how can I watch patient die if the strike gets out of hand? It really was a very hard decision to make…should I risk myself to help or not? It had been fortunate that nothing of very destructive nature is happening… We are really lucky until otherwise proven.
To begin with counting my blessings this week: There were 4 very heart warming incidences that happened to me this week. The first three were on Tuesday when I was at CHC clinic doing my job.
1) A mother expressed her concern and worries about “will there be nice people like you at the hospital? The people in the hospital don’t care as much as you did. Thank you.” It was very touching for me, for once; my service was well appreciated and I can sense that this mom will go home and do the home exercise programs I have demonstrate to her with her child.
2) An old lady in a wheelchair who had a long history of CVA had been really depressed. She came in for the 2nd time to see me, she asked me “doctor, am I going to be okay?” with her fearful eyes that shouts out to me for comfort and reassurance. I had to be firm and real yet caring, so I said to her “Mama, I am afraid that your stroke is going to stay pretty much the same as it is.” She replied, “I know doctor, I know that my body is old and it does not heal so well anymore.” I felt her last hope fading, I had to instill hope in her so I attempted, “Mama but God has not forgotten you, look at what a great family you have got. Look how much your daughter cares about you, God is still with you.” That moment, our eyes met and we connected. This had touched me deeply and I think this moment will always be remembered by me or perhaps her as well.
3) Lastly, with a gentlemen that is there to see us for the 2nd time with his daughter. The same complain from his daughter persisted, “he don’t do nothing, he swears at us and don’t cooperates.” But something told me that I saw the picture differently, because of the way he looks confused when we speak. I really felt sorry for him for getting into trouble with the OT students previously— he was so misunderstood!! At the end, what it was is that his hearing aid had broken so he cannot hear what you said to him and therefore he does not understand what is required of him which makes him look uncooperative. I was angry with the family but yet understood that his daughter must have been feeling tired and burnt out for looking after him while others in the family do not help much at all.
The positive moment came when Dini (my rotation supervisor) said to me “Anita, it was really sharp of you to have picked that up.” My reward for being quiet and quite an observer had finally come. After all, it is not all that bad to be an introvert who can sense and feel for others more easily. I felt that finally, in a world of extroverts (or pro-extroverts); being an introvert has its values and place.
The last one came in yesterday evening while I was queuing at the ATM for cash, a colleague that was due to leave for a HOD post in Joburg came queuing behind me. We chatted after we got our money and he asked my plans for next year. After I told him honestly about my plans, he said to me “well if my hospital had a post open, would you consider it?” I thought to myself, “wow! What a compliment in disgust!”. Despite we have not known each other for that long, he thought I was a good person to work with. It meant a lot to me that the world does not think about me the way I thought they would. Some people actually values me and likes me.
I know here I may sound like a depressive patient in a ward and I admit that my self esteem is not that great ever since I didn’t get into medicine. Further, I doubt myself a lot, not only because I am not the most confident person in the world but because I believe that I am much more all-seeing and observant than most so I want to be and am humble.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Looking at the world differently
Last night, I was helping Aaron's mum Bridgid to "entertain" 14 students from the US that had come to South Africa to travel and do their practical for 8 weeks. We had a discussion group, Bridgid introduced the opening question "what is news worthy about today will you tell your grandchildren about your experience today in RSA?".
As they have visited the Freedom musemum and the constritutional cournt in joburg, alot of their experience related to their experience of visiting these places. We discussed about connecting sincererly with others in order to be human in spite of living in complete equality in such a diversed human race is not possible as the difference are very big. I couldn't help to think and wonder " is it really not possible? is peace really an ideology or a possible reality in the distant future?"
What had come out for me in this discussion was not about the students' experiences but the importantce to hold onto positive experiences and stories in our daily lives in order not to become depressed or negative about the world and mankind like I do alot in my writing on this blog page. It is clearly not helping me wanting to be positive while I continue to thinking too much about very little things.
I think today is a good day to start becoming more positive and records what positive expereince I have had in my daily life that was significant to me!
As they have visited the Freedom musemum and the constritutional cournt in joburg, alot of their experience related to their experience of visiting these places. We discussed about connecting sincererly with others in order to be human in spite of living in complete equality in such a diversed human race is not possible as the difference are very big. I couldn't help to think and wonder " is it really not possible? is peace really an ideology or a possible reality in the distant future?"
What had come out for me in this discussion was not about the students' experiences but the importantce to hold onto positive experiences and stories in our daily lives in order not to become depressed or negative about the world and mankind like I do alot in my writing on this blog page. It is clearly not helping me wanting to be positive while I continue to thinking too much about very little things.
I think today is a good day to start becoming more positive and records what positive expereince I have had in my daily life that was significant to me!
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Zambia Experience
Zambia experience
Recently, Aaron and his brother&wife plus I went to a sarafi lodge on Chete island in Zamiba for a holiday. I have been real busy so I haven't written about the experience yet since I returned on the 1st of May.
I must say, it was quite an experience of a lifetime. I came so so close to wild elephants and observed alot about the simple Zambian village life around the market place where we had to go and buy stuff for the lodge. I realised that life really can be that simple if you really want to (or if you really dont have a choice).
Zambia is full with magic. The animals and the people and their environment, it was beautiful because it is a place much closer to nature. I really long to be in a place like that: so in harmony and balanced. However, there is a sad side of this beautiful picture; a very African scene of foreigners coming in "helping" them while taking away resources. I saw a Chinese mining company in Silasongawe near to the island that I was on.
In short, what have I learnt and felt from this amazing experience:
1. Life really can be very simple, it is sad that civilisation and globalisation is disabling us from being able to live simply. I really feel sad how shopping centres are just getting bigger and better in every corner of South Africa (and surely worldwide). I want to ask mankind a question: why do we want to live so unnaturally? We dont really need that many BIG shopping centre. The consumerism is really disgusting to me even through I like to window shop alot!
2. When life is simple and it was not by choice, it can be a very hard life. Zambians amazes me in the way they live with little thing they have. It also shames me about how much I have got, e.g. this laptop I am typing from. God, how can you be so hard on certain people on earth? Zambians, like many Africans are facing and dealing with the AIDS pandemic, TB and Malaria and other disabilities. I felt like just staying and apply my therapeutic skills to provide help for them. Unfortunately, in addition to the harshness of life as it is; locals do not believe in western stuff e.g. education and medicine.
For me this was an ethical question... May I enpose my ideas of what's good for them on them? Yes, it is clear that an injection can save lots of lives and maybe education can change one or two people's fortune and fate. But is this truely good? How do you define what is good? Is living longer and possibly healthier as well as being more intelligent a better or happier life? I am more educated and I use western medicine to be healthier, but am I really happier than they are? To me, being smart is more likely to a curse, esp if you are the think of the mankind type.
3. It deeply saddenes me about the Chinese mine in Zambia. I fully understand that there is simply no free lunch in this world, nobody do charity; there is always and always some string attached! I know I am harsh and expect highly of "my own people", but I cannot believe that people from a nation who was previously oppressed would think of taking advantage of others in any ways. Do we not know the pain of being oppressed???!! Have we really lost our sense of judgement in what is good morally? Or have I over-reacted in observing this? I want to believe this is done in good intention for all, I really believe the good in people. But God, it is getting harder and harder to believe in the good in people. I am deeply hurt by this scene because Chinese business men are not the only one that is doing this. God, just what kind of creature have men become?
What have we done now by using our intelligence to overcome nature and opposing its laws? Where will this lead us?
Recently, Aaron and his brother&wife plus I went to a sarafi lodge on Chete island in Zamiba for a holiday. I have been real busy so I haven't written about the experience yet since I returned on the 1st of May.
I must say, it was quite an experience of a lifetime. I came so so close to wild elephants and observed alot about the simple Zambian village life around the market place where we had to go and buy stuff for the lodge. I realised that life really can be that simple if you really want to (or if you really dont have a choice).
Zambia is full with magic. The animals and the people and their environment, it was beautiful because it is a place much closer to nature. I really long to be in a place like that: so in harmony and balanced. However, there is a sad side of this beautiful picture; a very African scene of foreigners coming in "helping" them while taking away resources. I saw a Chinese mining company in Silasongawe near to the island that I was on.
In short, what have I learnt and felt from this amazing experience:
1. Life really can be very simple, it is sad that civilisation and globalisation is disabling us from being able to live simply. I really feel sad how shopping centres are just getting bigger and better in every corner of South Africa (and surely worldwide). I want to ask mankind a question: why do we want to live so unnaturally? We dont really need that many BIG shopping centre. The consumerism is really disgusting to me even through I like to window shop alot!
2. When life is simple and it was not by choice, it can be a very hard life. Zambians amazes me in the way they live with little thing they have. It also shames me about how much I have got, e.g. this laptop I am typing from. God, how can you be so hard on certain people on earth? Zambians, like many Africans are facing and dealing with the AIDS pandemic, TB and Malaria and other disabilities. I felt like just staying and apply my therapeutic skills to provide help for them. Unfortunately, in addition to the harshness of life as it is; locals do not believe in western stuff e.g. education and medicine.
For me this was an ethical question... May I enpose my ideas of what's good for them on them? Yes, it is clear that an injection can save lots of lives and maybe education can change one or two people's fortune and fate. But is this truely good? How do you define what is good? Is living longer and possibly healthier as well as being more intelligent a better or happier life? I am more educated and I use western medicine to be healthier, but am I really happier than they are? To me, being smart is more likely to a curse, esp if you are the think of the mankind type.
3. It deeply saddenes me about the Chinese mine in Zambia. I fully understand that there is simply no free lunch in this world, nobody do charity; there is always and always some string attached! I know I am harsh and expect highly of "my own people", but I cannot believe that people from a nation who was previously oppressed would think of taking advantage of others in any ways. Do we not know the pain of being oppressed???!! Have we really lost our sense of judgement in what is good morally? Or have I over-reacted in observing this? I want to believe this is done in good intention for all, I really believe the good in people. But God, it is getting harder and harder to believe in the good in people. I am deeply hurt by this scene because Chinese business men are not the only one that is doing this. God, just what kind of creature have men become?
What have we done now by using our intelligence to overcome nature and opposing its laws? Where will this lead us?
Monday, May 21, 2007
SO DAMN COLD!!!
It's so damn freezing in Witbank tonight as I sit here and type on my blog. It's been awhile since I last posted a blog entry. I really has just been so busy and also getting irritated with others more easily too...
Anyways, there is a strike going on this Friday for all government employees; I wonder what will happen and I hope I dont have to be push off from gettig to work. But if it gets too hectic and dangerous, i am not going...
Anyways, there is a strike going on this Friday for all government employees; I wonder what will happen and I hope I dont have to be push off from gettig to work. But if it gets too hectic and dangerous, i am not going...
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Running into trouble at work while just really trying to care …politics take 1
I have recently ran into office politics trouble with physio’s in my hospital where Im working for community service. The incidence is as follows:
A friend of mine (a dietitian) who works in my ward has verbally mentioned that a patient needed seeing by me (an OT) due to a certain reason about a week ago while I was very busy covering for other OTs on holiday. So I eventually got to the patient, while being absolutely shocked about her not being seen by any OT, PT or ST on day 9 that she has been in the ward (which she needs all); I went on a bit of a panic mode & started writing referrals for the professionals needs to be involved in her case (thinking that well if the doctor hasn’t referred to me, gosh I doubt he/she would have for PT or ST). As the PT walked into the ward, I got this comment when I passed her the form: “oh, so now you are also doing referrals?” That was the end of the incident.
I was confused, bit upset but also felt bad on hindsight that the PT must have been so upset about anybody else “bossing” them around except the universally acceptable doctor. Maybe esp the OT who is a “luxury” in the team in lots of others eyes. I wanted to even say sorry to her cos’ I can see her side of the story in my mind, but I really changed my mind about apologizing after today’s meeting about this “compliant” with my duty head of department and supervisor…….
On Friday, my supervisor said she needs to see me on Monday rather urgently. So I spent my whole weekend wondering what it is all about and wondering if I have gotten into trouble somehow. When she said “we need to wait for Rose (the deputy head) for the meeting”, I knew I was in trouble but I just didn’t know what it was and how big was it. The conservation went on something like this:
“We have received a compliant from physio about…”
“Oh, the physio; I think I know what is this one all about…”
“What do you think it is?”
“Well… (explaining the whole incident without really making any excuse or trying to explain cos’ I do not believe it even trying to say why I did what)…”
“She was just not happy with the way she was handled… I know nobody has ever told you that but perhaps you could have done it differently.” And it went on…… When Rose asked me about something else completely different to the topic, I just started to cry. They kept quiet, and I just did not have any other way/language of expressing my voicelessness in this situation. In my heart, I know that no amount of explaining or making excuse is going to put them on my side so I did not. God, I felt so powerless; it was like crying was my only way of protesting against others who think I was wrong…. I could not speak cos’ words would not be heard, I could only cry and to cry to express the frustration and pain in my heart for doing what I believed was not wrong to do and being told off it.
God, what have I done? What have I done, let me think. I paniced and I was so concerned about the patient involved, I was prepared to fuck the office politics to want this patient to get help! I perhaps had forsaken harmony and good relationship between the professionals for ethical responsibilities for the care of the patient involved (or at least so I thought). I tried what I know and what my eyes has witness to work in this 3 past months with the STs. I was trying to save people’s time by making sure all the patient’s details are clearly written in the referral form and have to sign it as it asked for a signature (and I cannot be a coward that cannot take responsibility for writing the form!). And so I signed it myself, damn it!! God, why do I have to fight my own team to do good and to care? Why does this office politics has to get in the way? Everyone wants to be the nice guy and is good with people, who is concern about the work being done?! Other professionals do not let OTs step on them, but when others steps on OTs, we moan and bitch and that’s it!!! I do not and will not be a powerless little OT, who is a nobody of too much importance in the team!!!! I believed in a lot of what Maddie has taught me, be proactive and do not be afraid of upsetting a few people if what you are doing is ethical, is the right thing to do!
God, I know that the way I did it was perhaps not the best option but why do I have to be the one that is spoken to like a naughty dog being told off for stealing a juicy piece of sausage off the dinning table? Am I the only person in the wrong in this case? Is there anybody out there that can help me get the objective answer? God, I am not afraid of conflicting with others. There is nobody else but my parents that can make me yield for harmony (do all I can to not upset them). God I feel really odd, stupid and alone in this unfriendly world. Why do I have to think so differently from others? Why do I have to think so differently? Can cultural difference be an excuse? No, it is not good enough for me to be a valid reason!!! But I just don’t know why it is that I think so “laterally”… Most of the time, I get laugh at for thinking so “laterally” but this time I got into trouble… I got gunned down at the cross fire of office politics. I went into the health profession for this very reason, I thought people would at least put people first before these dirty silly politics but it looks like a NO to me!
This is a song that describe my feelings right now…
Welcome to my life by Simple plan:
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
I write about this because writing is a way that I have found a voice even while being oppressed. I write about this cos’ I want myself to remember it, reflect from it and gain from it what I can fuse with my existing knowledge. But most important, I want to remind myself that there will always be people who will try to straighten me back into streamline. I want myself to remember that although being me sometimes run me into trouble, BUT I LOVE MYSELF FOR BEING DIFFERENT AND FOR BEING ME!!!
Concluding options:
1) Become a doctor myself so that I do not need to be the powerless one, although I swear I will try my best to not abuse the power I would have.
2) Go out of the health field altogether cos’ im sick of being pushed around.
3) Swear not to work in hospitals ever again to avoid this.
A friend of mine (a dietitian) who works in my ward has verbally mentioned that a patient needed seeing by me (an OT) due to a certain reason about a week ago while I was very busy covering for other OTs on holiday. So I eventually got to the patient, while being absolutely shocked about her not being seen by any OT, PT or ST on day 9 that she has been in the ward (which she needs all); I went on a bit of a panic mode & started writing referrals for the professionals needs to be involved in her case (thinking that well if the doctor hasn’t referred to me, gosh I doubt he/she would have for PT or ST). As the PT walked into the ward, I got this comment when I passed her the form: “oh, so now you are also doing referrals?” That was the end of the incident.
I was confused, bit upset but also felt bad on hindsight that the PT must have been so upset about anybody else “bossing” them around except the universally acceptable doctor. Maybe esp the OT who is a “luxury” in the team in lots of others eyes. I wanted to even say sorry to her cos’ I can see her side of the story in my mind, but I really changed my mind about apologizing after today’s meeting about this “compliant” with my duty head of department and supervisor…….
On Friday, my supervisor said she needs to see me on Monday rather urgently. So I spent my whole weekend wondering what it is all about and wondering if I have gotten into trouble somehow. When she said “we need to wait for Rose (the deputy head) for the meeting”, I knew I was in trouble but I just didn’t know what it was and how big was it. The conservation went on something like this:
“We have received a compliant from physio about…”
“Oh, the physio; I think I know what is this one all about…”
“What do you think it is?”
“Well… (explaining the whole incident without really making any excuse or trying to explain cos’ I do not believe it even trying to say why I did what)…”
“She was just not happy with the way she was handled… I know nobody has ever told you that but perhaps you could have done it differently.” And it went on…… When Rose asked me about something else completely different to the topic, I just started to cry. They kept quiet, and I just did not have any other way/language of expressing my voicelessness in this situation. In my heart, I know that no amount of explaining or making excuse is going to put them on my side so I did not. God, I felt so powerless; it was like crying was my only way of protesting against others who think I was wrong…. I could not speak cos’ words would not be heard, I could only cry and to cry to express the frustration and pain in my heart for doing what I believed was not wrong to do and being told off it.
God, what have I done? What have I done, let me think. I paniced and I was so concerned about the patient involved, I was prepared to fuck the office politics to want this patient to get help! I perhaps had forsaken harmony and good relationship between the professionals for ethical responsibilities for the care of the patient involved (or at least so I thought). I tried what I know and what my eyes has witness to work in this 3 past months with the STs. I was trying to save people’s time by making sure all the patient’s details are clearly written in the referral form and have to sign it as it asked for a signature (and I cannot be a coward that cannot take responsibility for writing the form!). And so I signed it myself, damn it!! God, why do I have to fight my own team to do good and to care? Why does this office politics has to get in the way? Everyone wants to be the nice guy and is good with people, who is concern about the work being done?! Other professionals do not let OTs step on them, but when others steps on OTs, we moan and bitch and that’s it!!! I do not and will not be a powerless little OT, who is a nobody of too much importance in the team!!!! I believed in a lot of what Maddie has taught me, be proactive and do not be afraid of upsetting a few people if what you are doing is ethical, is the right thing to do!
God, I know that the way I did it was perhaps not the best option but why do I have to be the one that is spoken to like a naughty dog being told off for stealing a juicy piece of sausage off the dinning table? Am I the only person in the wrong in this case? Is there anybody out there that can help me get the objective answer? God, I am not afraid of conflicting with others. There is nobody else but my parents that can make me yield for harmony (do all I can to not upset them). God I feel really odd, stupid and alone in this unfriendly world. Why do I have to think so differently from others? Why do I have to think so differently? Can cultural difference be an excuse? No, it is not good enough for me to be a valid reason!!! But I just don’t know why it is that I think so “laterally”… Most of the time, I get laugh at for thinking so “laterally” but this time I got into trouble… I got gunned down at the cross fire of office politics. I went into the health profession for this very reason, I thought people would at least put people first before these dirty silly politics but it looks like a NO to me!
This is a song that describe my feelings right now…
Welcome to my life by Simple plan:
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
I write about this because writing is a way that I have found a voice even while being oppressed. I write about this cos’ I want myself to remember it, reflect from it and gain from it what I can fuse with my existing knowledge. But most important, I want to remind myself that there will always be people who will try to straighten me back into streamline. I want myself to remember that although being me sometimes run me into trouble, BUT I LOVE MYSELF FOR BEING DIFFERENT AND FOR BEING ME!!!
Concluding options:
1) Become a doctor myself so that I do not need to be the powerless one, although I swear I will try my best to not abuse the power I would have.
2) Go out of the health field altogether cos’ im sick of being pushed around.
3) Swear not to work in hospitals ever again to avoid this.
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