Where am I going??

Recently, my life had been surrounded by death, sickness and failure/disappointments. As I am sick at home, I feel I am forced to reflect and examine this question - "Ka Yan, where the hell in this world are you going to??"

Aaron and his dad Richard asked me about my and our future over the weekend... I ponder over this 'future' question. The ironic thing is that I dont even know what I am doing right now or where I am - how do I know where I am going or wanting to go later? And yes, I have ideas but they are so wild and so untammed that it even scares me the thinker!! A colleague at work had died very suddenly. I do not know her well but I have a lot of respect for her. Hearing how others say how impersonal yet professional she was (basically she's so cold, unfriendly but do the right things), I feel sad. Is that all we can say about somebody who want to be different? Are we just going to close the book and forget her after the memorial? Is this the treatment I will receive because I see myself going that way - the way of being different from normality? God, I feel so lonely, so judged by others. How can I connect with people around me which is what I really want when they are so different from me? Or is it my destiny to be misunderstood - like many great people e.g. Vincent who painted beautiful artwork yet not acknowledged when he lived?

I feel particularly tore by what I want and what I suspects others want me to want - I cannot and fail to seperate the two... Aaron asked me if it's important who's wants I am following? If what you want is also what others want u to want, what's wrong with that? Yet, it matters to me - because I do not want to 'want' something that an oppressive system may want me to want so that I will shut up!! In fact, I do not want to shut up about injustice - but yet is this just popular (and sounds like the right thing to do) or is this really me who wants to become a fighter for this reason? And God, why do I have to be alone in this? I look at other colleagues of mine, everybody is content but why not me? I know that perhaps it is because I have always choose the hardest road to journey on possible, without the struggles without the challenges, I do not live and my heart will die!!

Another question comes to my mind is that whether it really is about what we want in life - do we really have a choice? I am not sure about it... Lack of choice is not always bad but yet the sense of in controlness and freedom is what gives meaning and quality to life.

This is the point in time I feel like standing in the middle of a road like Jim Carey's character in "Bruce Almightly" and scream out loud "God, I need a sign!! any sign!!" God, help~!! I like the way how you had been so quiet but I need you to speak to me these days. I know you know me well, perhaps better than myself at times; that you know I will doubt if I hear a voice in me - I will examine it before I trust it.

God, perhaps you are saying to me - be brave and embrace that fighter that you are and you will be for others. But do so humbly, do so honestly and without fear for that is my plan for you my child - that you will do my work for me in this way, reaching those who need their prayers answerred. Accept it, accept that this is you and this is what you will do. God, has my path already been decided but you are just giving me time to be ready for it? God, I hope I didn't misunderstand you - I hope I am not just going to make a fool out of myself.......

In the end, I just want to be able to stand in front of you without shame - God I do not ask you to understand me or understand my choices, my actions and if I need to be punished for it, so be it - I just dont want to regret it myself as I am going through my life with you.