feeling heavy and sad about my mark :)

Hi blog... Another down spiraling of life, I got a 48% from an assignment today back from class. It is a bit of an ouch.

It makes me feel heavy when I thought of it in relation to my current life. My first thought was 'gosh ok so I have to work harder at the next assignment'. This is crab when I think about my proposal that needs to be in 1st October, my next assignment, me supposively starting work on the 1st Oct and trying to sort out wedding/next year things on my own here while Aaron is overseas. I feel really alone with little help from others. This is a lonely battle that I am fighting......

It is disappointing to me as most of the people who knows me would know that I am highly competitive, hardworking, perfectionist and self critic. Even through I know that 48 is a number and is of no reflection of how competent or good I am really but it is still diappointing as it is frustrating for me to be unable to express myself. I have so much knowledge and ideas sitting in my head that I seem slow to act or unable to tell what I want to say.

One of my classmate was very nice, she noticed how disappointed I was and gave me a little chat and bought me tea to 'cheer me up'. I am grateful for her kindness however I only wish I can be less critical of myself. And this is something I know that will never be done unfortunately.

Sigh... Anita things takes time to come. Try to be patient~~ when are you going to learn that?

Back again in the spiral of fear and anxiety about unemployment

I am into my unemployment now for about 3.5months. I am feeling the anxiety about still yet to settle on a job. I was offered 2 in August which I turned down. I am sitting in the beginning of Sept, knowing I have done that right thing for myself yet still feel like a bit of an idiot.

Stress level is really just going up at this stage in the face of up and down's. I am feeling as if I was in a roller coaster going up and down and doing flips and flops@@.

Let's just hang on Anita, you can do this!! You are the most stubborn and determined person I have never knew, never give up is a phrase that is constantly kept being referred back to in your life. Never give up!! What is worth doing is never easy and nobody had ever promise life was going to be simple if you wanted excitement and challenges.

I know it doesn't have to be painful; but it certainly has to involve perseverances before whatever one may desire can be gained!! Like Churchhill said it, 'if you going through hell, keep going.'!!

Batman/the Joker.... The Dark Knight

I went to watch the much waved about movie: Batman, the dark knight in the cinema today. I found it a rather deep movie which left me with a sense of saddness and loneliness as it ended.

The batman and the joker are two side of the coin as seen in the alterned face of Harvey Dent. They are all in us. The good and the envy. Just like flipping a coin to make a decision; we behave like a hero or a villian just as randomly as that. But most of us are too afraid to flip that coin to be that hero or that villian in life!!

Those who are in power to do 'right' and the 'justice' possess the most power to abuse and be the villian. How complicated and ironic it is that all of them are in each and one of us.

When I saw Harvey Dent, Bruce Wayne and The cop chasing and fighting for justice; I ask myself how hard am I prepared to fight for justice and equity? Am I really prepared at all? Would I fight evil at all? I find it hard to do that automatic thing in saying 'sure yes of course I will fight it with everything I have got.'. I am afraid I am far more honest than that, I am far honest in doubting myself to fight for justice. If I fight, who's justice am I fight, is it for the justice of good or evil?

Good and evil are the shadow of one another, when one shines with the light the other hides. It seems a never ending losing battle fighting on either end of this all. Some what pointless......

Then I consider the two: Batman (Bruce Wayne) and Joker (with no name). Both have my pity as I felt their loneliness for fighting for their ideals and wanting the world to see itself the way they see it. Two lonely soul on an eternal battle and journey side by side together.

Never, one thing I didn't like was this: does evil has to be mad? I am the first to disagree!! Evil needs the coldest, calmest and intellengent soul to exercise it. Pure maddness would not do it! You think it has no rules? I dont think so either, there's at least two... 1) Break every rule and 2) get close enough to extinguish good but never do it as evil exist because of good and verse versa.

Farewell, Heath Ledger, the brilliant joker... You made it conviencing that evil has its own face. You made it conviencing to the world of your brillaint acting. I take my hat off for you!!

Brain dead... certified 13:44 due to over-exhaustion

I really feel like my whole body and my whole brain/head/mind/soul is just draggin on the floor there as I am trying to push myself forward to work. It's crazy how hard I am pushing myself, I feel like I am pushing myself over the cliff and is actively killing myself in this process.

So; so far I feel brain dead and feel like I am in a coma and doesn't want to move or do anything. I wonder if I can continue like this for another year at least. I had an extremely busy week with nothing planned on my timetable in my diary at all. 3 interviews, thesis proposal yet to be done (1st draft) and got yet another assignment due 2 weeks time.

GOD~~!@!#!$@!#$!@%!$# I just want to SCREA~~~~!!!! Arrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggg.....

Beep beep beep... I shall continue being in my coma until my brain want to work again.

Talk about romatics!!

A South African farmer decided to burn his proposal to his occupational therapist girlfriend on the field near his farm last weekend. I wonder what the carbon foot prints will be for burning so much plants, but hey; HOW ROMANTIC!! Eiesh, I am jealous in a sweet way:)

Thumbs up OTs!! We are the lucky girls:)

Watching for Natalie in Olympics 2008

Yesterday I couldn't sleep, today I woke up from my sleep to watch for my old friend. Through she's no where in the front at the momemnt in the race, but I have faith in her. I simply believes that she is a winner in her own right and yes I think and I believe she will win a medal from the race. I really think it is possible.

GO GO NATALIE!!!! SOUTH AFRICA IS BEHIND YOU:)

Tonight I couldnt sleep

I am feeling very sick from coughing and flu yet I lay awake and unable to sleep.

I was listening to some music and ended up missing my passed on relatives and started to cry. I know this is when I am stressed. I missed them and I start crying when I am in a very stressful situation.

This concerns me slightly as it's been so long yet it doesn't appear I have come to terms with it totally. And it is a sign of high intensity of stress symptoms for me. I just wonder how much longer do I want to drag them with me as a burden to us all. If I dont move on, it is hard for them to move on too cos' they would be worried about me. This is where I remembered one of my patients in coma who I really still believe he told me with his eyes the way he looked at me before he died..."I don't want to fight anymore, I want to go, let me go... I can't do this anymore and please accept this."

Love, I dont want to you continue with this burden. Please drop it here, right here and move on. I promise you that you will not forget them by dropping them off here. They are still with you even through you drop them off here! It's laughable how many times I tell others to let go and it is so hard to do it yourself!

So many times and so many people had told me to stop being so hard on yourself. I wish I can stop but I am like an addict to self critic, I wish I can stop and start looking at myself as equally and kindly as I look at others. For god's sake, you are not a saint so why are you expecting yourself to be one?!! How come everybody else can have reasons not to do stuff yet you will not let yourself to have any excuses at all? Please, you are only human and you know it!!

God, I dont hate myself. I love myself alot in fact but I am not easy to love. I am difficult, always competing for the best/perfection in my own sense and good is not good enough. I believe there's a life lesson to be learnt here and I hope to find it soon. Gd nite:)