Tonight I couldnt sleep

I am feeling very sick from coughing and flu yet I lay awake and unable to sleep.

I was listening to some music and ended up missing my passed on relatives and started to cry. I know this is when I am stressed. I missed them and I start crying when I am in a very stressful situation.

This concerns me slightly as it's been so long yet it doesn't appear I have come to terms with it totally. And it is a sign of high intensity of stress symptoms for me. I just wonder how much longer do I want to drag them with me as a burden to us all. If I dont move on, it is hard for them to move on too cos' they would be worried about me. This is where I remembered one of my patients in coma who I really still believe he told me with his eyes the way he looked at me before he died..."I don't want to fight anymore, I want to go, let me go... I can't do this anymore and please accept this."

Love, I dont want to you continue with this burden. Please drop it here, right here and move on. I promise you that you will not forget them by dropping them off here. They are still with you even through you drop them off here! It's laughable how many times I tell others to let go and it is so hard to do it yourself!

So many times and so many people had told me to stop being so hard on yourself. I wish I can stop but I am like an addict to self critic, I wish I can stop and start looking at myself as equally and kindly as I look at others. For god's sake, you are not a saint so why are you expecting yourself to be one?!! How come everybody else can have reasons not to do stuff yet you will not let yourself to have any excuses at all? Please, you are only human and you know it!!

God, I dont hate myself. I love myself alot in fact but I am not easy to love. I am difficult, always competing for the best/perfection in my own sense and good is not good enough. I believe there's a life lesson to be learnt here and I hope to find it soon. Gd nite:)