I just came out of a telephonic interview with a special school. I am fed up with people undermining me cos' i dont really speak afrikaans.
I really think how much they believe in the children can be reflected on how much they would believe in me... esp in line with beethoven, churchill and einstein, as well as natalie du toit and terence parkin who are both local disabled persons who are olympics medalist in swimming.
Beethoven was deaf yet he made the most beautiful music,
Churchill had stuttering problems yet he was and still is one of the most influential politician in the 20th century,
Einstein was dyslexic yet contributed so much advance knowledge for our understanding of maths and science,
Natalie Du Toit, who in spite of having lost one leg; yet still a great swimmer in the olympics and faster than most competitive "normal" swimmers!!!!
it is about focusing on the ability NOT the bloody disability!! Gosh, therapist like us are suppose to take this to heart!! of course we all have strengthes and shortcomings...!! it's about maxmising on strengths and minimizing the effect of our shortcomings!!! Why cant people see it?!?!?!
I am very fed up now cos' they always ask about this... I may be "disabled" in one way, however I am enabled with another skills to overcome and compensate for my shortcomings, I live and cope no matter what...can u see that i am coping working in a place where i dont speak the language, i cope by using family members, staffs, other patients and of course my body/sign language to communicate with my patients and clients...
Sigh~~ when will there be someone who see this? Gosh if I think I was discriminated, I really wonder how people with disabilities are discriminated against... Sigh~~~
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Thank you for the opportunity
Thank you for the growing opportunity
I would like to thank the creator in this trying time for the opportunity for personal growth and strengthen my character. This is my attempt to remain positive in a very hard struggle.
It has been such an uneasy week for me. My house has been broken into twice, I had my first ever job interview ever with the result of not being called back for any further follow up on possibly getting the job while watching other friend getting all these interviews, I had patient care ethical issues of other medical team members to fight with and I had anxiety and stress from having found a job that I would really love yet wondering if people would employ me for it. Above all and happening parallelly, I am scared of not able to find employment and having to also perform a very hard splint on Monday which I need reading up on this weekend.
I am fortunate in the sense that I am suddenly hit with enlightment and able to be mindful and reflective in the situation. I realize this is the exact point of my last straw previously as a student where I would become so emotionally burnt out that I end up not performing and shinning my true colors. God, I want to stop this! I want to stop feeling everything is out of control and it’s a bad reflection of me if I cant control it. I realize how I seem to have place my self worth and my self value on a scale that I have not control over up to this point in my life. I was equaling my self worth to achievements and successes of the material world which has always been something I don’t like anyways!!! (Yes, me out of all people who hated material stuff!!!)
I know I need to be different this time. I need to be able to rise above this all. In fact, I need to detach my self value from this rat race and achieve calmness… to have the knowledge that “even if I don’t get a job offer to work as an OT right now, it doesn’t mean I am a bad person and a shit OT.” But how do I do this, I sit here 4h30 in the morning thinking…… I know this is the opportunity to learn a very difficult life lesson. But how? But how do I do this, God?
Do I just keep on positive thinking about….
“no, Anita; you are a great person and a great OT” or
“ You knew the stuff and you did show them to the best of your ability that you knew your stuff. But nobody can possibly know everything, come on; you are not God!!” or
“ You have the skills to be a great OT but maybe there’s something beyond skills that is beyond your own control that they are looking for (well in SA; how about the fact that I may be the wrong colour for BEE??)
Or is there something else I can do??
*** HERE ‘s MY BIT OF SELF CONVERSATION
Anita, you need to remember good things about yourself. Yes you are not the most experienced OT around here and that you don’t know everything there is to know about a certain aspect of your work. But you are knowledge thirsty and you are so keen to learn and to become better; it makes you the greatest candidate to become a good OT!!! May I remind you everything has its time? Now, this is the time you learn this NB life lesson; failure doesn’t equals to “I am a bad person”. Something not working is not always a negative reflection on your abilities. Anita, god helps us; you got to know that you are not that bad!! Most of all and let me count:
- you care so much about your patients and you do not give up on them.
- You listen to them and their families, you are able to give client centred treatments.
- You will take the initiative to learn and research to improve yourself
- You hold yourself accountable for the quality of treatment you are giving to patients. (and I think it is more often the case that you do not let yourself off the hook when it’s not your fault.)
- You are creative and adaptive, you do freak out but you always return to face the challenge. It is a rare occasion should you run and you don’t come back.
- You are reflective and you able to pick up your own shortcomings. You try to do your best in preventing it from happening in the future.
What I am asking you to do this time differently is to not going into the “shit, I don’t know and let me run to a safe place counsel myself and come back to deal with it”. This time, Anita; try facing it, try not to run. Acknowledge the fact that you are scared and what you are dealing with is un-humanly difficult but everyone go through some of them while other issues are just unique and you are one of the few that are dealing with it. And WOW, think about what faith the creator has in you to trust you to deal with it on his/her behalf… honey, you are answering people’s prayers everyday!! I want you to come out more confident, I want you to be able to say “well, the loss is not only mine if they don’t employ me” and to keep in faith to the knowledge that “the right job will come at the right time” and be patient with it while your environment work itself around you. I don’t want to see you breaking down to tears like tonight in the feeling of extreme nerves and anxiety but to cry acknowledging it is difficult to be where you are in your situation then go and move on.
Anita, don’t give up…. I don’t meant don’t give up in “fighting” but I mean don’t give up on yourself and start running away from the challenge. Don’t lose a battle that is not even fought yet! Don’t give up hope and don’t give into anxiety. Have faith in yourself, there is NOTHING and I repeat NOTHING wrong with you. Lastly, don’t blame yourself for things not happening or going your way.
God, help me to change what I can
accept what I cannot and
to have the mind to be able to tell the difference between the two.
I would like to thank the creator in this trying time for the opportunity for personal growth and strengthen my character. This is my attempt to remain positive in a very hard struggle.
It has been such an uneasy week for me. My house has been broken into twice, I had my first ever job interview ever with the result of not being called back for any further follow up on possibly getting the job while watching other friend getting all these interviews, I had patient care ethical issues of other medical team members to fight with and I had anxiety and stress from having found a job that I would really love yet wondering if people would employ me for it. Above all and happening parallelly, I am scared of not able to find employment and having to also perform a very hard splint on Monday which I need reading up on this weekend.
I am fortunate in the sense that I am suddenly hit with enlightment and able to be mindful and reflective in the situation. I realize this is the exact point of my last straw previously as a student where I would become so emotionally burnt out that I end up not performing and shinning my true colors. God, I want to stop this! I want to stop feeling everything is out of control and it’s a bad reflection of me if I cant control it. I realize how I seem to have place my self worth and my self value on a scale that I have not control over up to this point in my life. I was equaling my self worth to achievements and successes of the material world which has always been something I don’t like anyways!!! (Yes, me out of all people who hated material stuff!!!)
I know I need to be different this time. I need to be able to rise above this all. In fact, I need to detach my self value from this rat race and achieve calmness… to have the knowledge that “even if I don’t get a job offer to work as an OT right now, it doesn’t mean I am a bad person and a shit OT.” But how do I do this, I sit here 4h30 in the morning thinking…… I know this is the opportunity to learn a very difficult life lesson. But how? But how do I do this, God?
Do I just keep on positive thinking about….
“no, Anita; you are a great person and a great OT” or
“ You knew the stuff and you did show them to the best of your ability that you knew your stuff. But nobody can possibly know everything, come on; you are not God!!” or
“ You have the skills to be a great OT but maybe there’s something beyond skills that is beyond your own control that they are looking for (well in SA; how about the fact that I may be the wrong colour for BEE??)
Or is there something else I can do??
*** HERE ‘s MY BIT OF SELF CONVERSATION
Anita, you need to remember good things about yourself. Yes you are not the most experienced OT around here and that you don’t know everything there is to know about a certain aspect of your work. But you are knowledge thirsty and you are so keen to learn and to become better; it makes you the greatest candidate to become a good OT!!! May I remind you everything has its time? Now, this is the time you learn this NB life lesson; failure doesn’t equals to “I am a bad person”. Something not working is not always a negative reflection on your abilities. Anita, god helps us; you got to know that you are not that bad!! Most of all and let me count:
- you care so much about your patients and you do not give up on them.
- You listen to them and their families, you are able to give client centred treatments.
- You will take the initiative to learn and research to improve yourself
- You hold yourself accountable for the quality of treatment you are giving to patients. (and I think it is more often the case that you do not let yourself off the hook when it’s not your fault.)
- You are creative and adaptive, you do freak out but you always return to face the challenge. It is a rare occasion should you run and you don’t come back.
- You are reflective and you able to pick up your own shortcomings. You try to do your best in preventing it from happening in the future.
What I am asking you to do this time differently is to not going into the “shit, I don’t know and let me run to a safe place counsel myself and come back to deal with it”. This time, Anita; try facing it, try not to run. Acknowledge the fact that you are scared and what you are dealing with is un-humanly difficult but everyone go through some of them while other issues are just unique and you are one of the few that are dealing with it. And WOW, think about what faith the creator has in you to trust you to deal with it on his/her behalf… honey, you are answering people’s prayers everyday!! I want you to come out more confident, I want you to be able to say “well, the loss is not only mine if they don’t employ me” and to keep in faith to the knowledge that “the right job will come at the right time” and be patient with it while your environment work itself around you. I don’t want to see you breaking down to tears like tonight in the feeling of extreme nerves and anxiety but to cry acknowledging it is difficult to be where you are in your situation then go and move on.
Anita, don’t give up…. I don’t meant don’t give up in “fighting” but I mean don’t give up on yourself and start running away from the challenge. Don’t lose a battle that is not even fought yet! Don’t give up hope and don’t give into anxiety. Have faith in yourself, there is NOTHING and I repeat NOTHING wrong with you. Lastly, don’t blame yourself for things not happening or going your way.
God, help me to change what I can
accept what I cannot and
to have the mind to be able to tell the difference between the two.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Let me be the channel of your peace
God I have seen so much suffering in my journey, it is hard to not get hurt from witnessing it through listening to the crippling screams from the suffered.
Let me be the channel of your peace so that I may bring light where darkness swallows souls and I may bring joy and hope to the sad and hopeless. God, I know how childish of a thought it is of mine wanting to put a stop to suffering. I know I am childish and I know I am naïve, but as a child I hope in faith that I will be granted with this gift. This is because I am only human, I cannot and am not capable to love the way you do. Neither am I able to be the ultimate observer that watches mankind destroys itself yet be uninvolved that Buddha suggests. I am of this world and am part of it, its movement has an impact on me no matter how still I try to remain.
And yes as naïve as I am, I believe I understand your love… Your love in the parent role, the ability and patience to watch men goes on making mistakes when they exercise their “free will”. To be able to hold the hurt, anger and hostility as they curse you, hold you responsible and blame you for their foolish acts. God, you are so fair that you are so cruel!! God, you are so full of love that you are so cold-hearted!! I know many will be puzzled at my statements about you, but I am not. It is hard to explain how I feel this so deeply about you, how I know you in an abstract yet real way. God, teach me to be more human so that I will not try to strive to be you because it is not possible. Buddha grant me the enlightment to be able to be the lotus that grows from dirty soils so I may “be” amongst the ordinary fellow humans.
Pls note that my idea of God is going to be very different from yours. My God is of a philosophy nature not of religion. I am perhaps yet to be saved in some’s opinions but I am none the less spiritual…a lot more spiritual than many and many think I am. And to understand my background where west mean east, this is why I cannot have a God from a religious nature where any one of “God” and “Buddha” may be excluded as an idol. For me, the ultimate truth is love…… Love is what makes my world real, it is my truth and my reality.
Let me be the channel of your peace so that I may bring light where darkness swallows souls and I may bring joy and hope to the sad and hopeless. God, I know how childish of a thought it is of mine wanting to put a stop to suffering. I know I am childish and I know I am naïve, but as a child I hope in faith that I will be granted with this gift. This is because I am only human, I cannot and am not capable to love the way you do. Neither am I able to be the ultimate observer that watches mankind destroys itself yet be uninvolved that Buddha suggests. I am of this world and am part of it, its movement has an impact on me no matter how still I try to remain.
And yes as naïve as I am, I believe I understand your love… Your love in the parent role, the ability and patience to watch men goes on making mistakes when they exercise their “free will”. To be able to hold the hurt, anger and hostility as they curse you, hold you responsible and blame you for their foolish acts. God, you are so fair that you are so cruel!! God, you are so full of love that you are so cold-hearted!! I know many will be puzzled at my statements about you, but I am not. It is hard to explain how I feel this so deeply about you, how I know you in an abstract yet real way. God, teach me to be more human so that I will not try to strive to be you because it is not possible. Buddha grant me the enlightment to be able to be the lotus that grows from dirty soils so I may “be” amongst the ordinary fellow humans.
Pls note that my idea of God is going to be very different from yours. My God is of a philosophy nature not of religion. I am perhaps yet to be saved in some’s opinions but I am none the less spiritual…a lot more spiritual than many and many think I am. And to understand my background where west mean east, this is why I cannot have a God from a religious nature where any one of “God” and “Buddha” may be excluded as an idol. For me, the ultimate truth is love…… Love is what makes my world real, it is my truth and my reality.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Truth
Truth is a pizzle
Truth is a pizzle
A pizzle that lefts many confused and more pizzled
Every man think they got the "ulimate truth"
Yet to find out, one day
That they only hold a piece of the truth
You know it takes alot to see
Past that colours on your one piece
to see that other pieces exists!!
Truth is a pizzle
A pizzle that lefts many confused and more pizzled
Every man think they got the "ulimate truth"
Yet to find out, one day
That they only hold a piece of the truth
You know it takes alot to see
Past that colours on your one piece
to see that other pieces exists!!
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
counting positive things...2 weeks ago
Counting the good things that happens in this week
This “accounting” work is getting harder and harder as I sit in the office during this 21 day public servant strike as there is no stimulation from the outside world much at all. Although that’s the case, but I am still determined to count; no matter how difficult it may be……
I guess my relationship with the people in my department has improved a lot, at least I do not dislike anybody for any reasons at the moment. It is such a blessing to work for my boss Jenny, who I believe; has sheltered us from a big portion of the emotional damage this strike can have on us. It is great to know there is someone in the world that “rules” not by authority!! Should I one day become a manager of some kind myself; I want to be like her.
The other blessing that is linked to my department was that I have finally found a contact in the UK about going aboard and working there as an OT. I hope something good will comes of this young relationship too. I am very exciting about going overseas (once again, don’t forget I been overseas for 10 years now). However it saddens me that I have to leave my family in RSA when I go. I think there is really some degree of truth in what people says when they say “once you leave home, you will realize that your family was nicer than you think they were”.
And it is right, I have found that – I called my dad to wish him a happy father’s day last Sunday. He said something that he does not say frequently and very unlikely in person, he said to me “I will support your choice about next year whatever you decide on, but don’t forget my offer (he can easily work for another 6months and fund my 2 years masters)”. It is just touching to finally get to know the loving part of my father; I think it was the most wonderful father’s day gift I had ever received as a daughter.
Family related, I am finally feeling that I am kind of ready to marry Aaron. It is very heart warming being with him this weekend: D. And it wasn’t like anything very hopelessly romantic happened over the weekend. We went on walks and talked about God, we went to Chinese restaurant and had lunch there eating dumplings laughing out loud. I am so touched at how he attempts to love me the way I love…I found a little chocolate hiding in the back packet of my bag at work on Monday morning
Oh yes, I found a lot of very important things in life last weekend. Besides family and future family, I also found my God. I have decided that my God do not belong to any religion but is a philosophy. My God is an observer and a listener – my God watches over me. My God do not believe in giving people blessings or punishments, as he/she knows that I am capable of counting my own blessings or punishing myself cos’ I was given morality. Therefore he/she does not get happy or angry or upset when I do something “right” or “wrong”. My God has no need to forgive or to judge, cos’ he/she simply watches me and walks with me in life. I feel so freed by this idea— this idea that God does not control myself and God is not responsible for my problems, I somehow felt my burden was lighter when I think of this.
This “accounting” work is getting harder and harder as I sit in the office during this 21 day public servant strike as there is no stimulation from the outside world much at all. Although that’s the case, but I am still determined to count; no matter how difficult it may be……
I guess my relationship with the people in my department has improved a lot, at least I do not dislike anybody for any reasons at the moment. It is such a blessing to work for my boss Jenny, who I believe; has sheltered us from a big portion of the emotional damage this strike can have on us. It is great to know there is someone in the world that “rules” not by authority!! Should I one day become a manager of some kind myself; I want to be like her.
The other blessing that is linked to my department was that I have finally found a contact in the UK about going aboard and working there as an OT. I hope something good will comes of this young relationship too. I am very exciting about going overseas (once again, don’t forget I been overseas for 10 years now). However it saddens me that I have to leave my family in RSA when I go. I think there is really some degree of truth in what people says when they say “once you leave home, you will realize that your family was nicer than you think they were”.
And it is right, I have found that – I called my dad to wish him a happy father’s day last Sunday. He said something that he does not say frequently and very unlikely in person, he said to me “I will support your choice about next year whatever you decide on, but don’t forget my offer (he can easily work for another 6months and fund my 2 years masters)”. It is just touching to finally get to know the loving part of my father; I think it was the most wonderful father’s day gift I had ever received as a daughter.
Family related, I am finally feeling that I am kind of ready to marry Aaron. It is very heart warming being with him this weekend: D. And it wasn’t like anything very hopelessly romantic happened over the weekend. We went on walks and talked about God, we went to Chinese restaurant and had lunch there eating dumplings laughing out loud. I am so touched at how he attempts to love me the way I love…I found a little chocolate hiding in the back packet of my bag at work on Monday morning
Oh yes, I found a lot of very important things in life last weekend. Besides family and future family, I also found my God. I have decided that my God do not belong to any religion but is a philosophy. My God is an observer and a listener – my God watches over me. My God do not believe in giving people blessings or punishments, as he/she knows that I am capable of counting my own blessings or punishing myself cos’ I was given morality. Therefore he/she does not get happy or angry or upset when I do something “right” or “wrong”. My God has no need to forgive or to judge, cos’ he/she simply watches me and walks with me in life. I feel so freed by this idea— this idea that God does not control myself and God is not responsible for my problems, I somehow felt my burden was lighter when I think of this.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Positive things that happened Last week
Positive things that had happened last week:
As I have promise myself, I wanted to write about positive things in daily life more these days to help myself feel less depressed; so here I am counting my blessings.
But first I want to acknowledge how scary it really is to experience a strike in action. One never know where to turn or what to do to keep oneself out of trouble yet upholding one’s morality and ethics. It is a very hard decision to make. This week, I was faced with an ethical dilemma as the strike begins. While higher governmental employees are getting an increase of salary at a sickening rate, people on the ground level were offered a merely 6.5% (a so called inflation in lined rate). I can fully understand and agree why people should and would strike!! Yet as a health professional, it is illegal and unethical for us to be striking. This places us in a situation of “we vs. them”. The health professional are the “them” who go against the crowd, hence we are in danger. But on the other hand, how can I watch patient die if the strike gets out of hand? It really was a very hard decision to make…should I risk myself to help or not? It had been fortunate that nothing of very destructive nature is happening… We are really lucky until otherwise proven.
To begin with counting my blessings this week: There were 4 very heart warming incidences that happened to me this week. The first three were on Tuesday when I was at CHC clinic doing my job.
1) A mother expressed her concern and worries about “will there be nice people like you at the hospital? The people in the hospital don’t care as much as you did. Thank you.” It was very touching for me, for once; my service was well appreciated and I can sense that this mom will go home and do the home exercise programs I have demonstrate to her with her child.
2) An old lady in a wheelchair who had a long history of CVA had been really depressed. She came in for the 2nd time to see me, she asked me “doctor, am I going to be okay?” with her fearful eyes that shouts out to me for comfort and reassurance. I had to be firm and real yet caring, so I said to her “Mama, I am afraid that your stroke is going to stay pretty much the same as it is.” She replied, “I know doctor, I know that my body is old and it does not heal so well anymore.” I felt her last hope fading, I had to instill hope in her so I attempted, “Mama but God has not forgotten you, look at what a great family you have got. Look how much your daughter cares about you, God is still with you.” That moment, our eyes met and we connected. This had touched me deeply and I think this moment will always be remembered by me or perhaps her as well.
3) Lastly, with a gentlemen that is there to see us for the 2nd time with his daughter. The same complain from his daughter persisted, “he don’t do nothing, he swears at us and don’t cooperates.” But something told me that I saw the picture differently, because of the way he looks confused when we speak. I really felt sorry for him for getting into trouble with the OT students previously— he was so misunderstood!! At the end, what it was is that his hearing aid had broken so he cannot hear what you said to him and therefore he does not understand what is required of him which makes him look uncooperative. I was angry with the family but yet understood that his daughter must have been feeling tired and burnt out for looking after him while others in the family do not help much at all.
The positive moment came when Dini (my rotation supervisor) said to me “Anita, it was really sharp of you to have picked that up.” My reward for being quiet and quite an observer had finally come. After all, it is not all that bad to be an introvert who can sense and feel for others more easily. I felt that finally, in a world of extroverts (or pro-extroverts); being an introvert has its values and place.
The last one came in yesterday evening while I was queuing at the ATM for cash, a colleague that was due to leave for a HOD post in Joburg came queuing behind me. We chatted after we got our money and he asked my plans for next year. After I told him honestly about my plans, he said to me “well if my hospital had a post open, would you consider it?” I thought to myself, “wow! What a compliment in disgust!”. Despite we have not known each other for that long, he thought I was a good person to work with. It meant a lot to me that the world does not think about me the way I thought they would. Some people actually values me and likes me.
I know here I may sound like a depressive patient in a ward and I admit that my self esteem is not that great ever since I didn’t get into medicine. Further, I doubt myself a lot, not only because I am not the most confident person in the world but because I believe that I am much more all-seeing and observant than most so I want to be and am humble.
As I have promise myself, I wanted to write about positive things in daily life more these days to help myself feel less depressed; so here I am counting my blessings.
But first I want to acknowledge how scary it really is to experience a strike in action. One never know where to turn or what to do to keep oneself out of trouble yet upholding one’s morality and ethics. It is a very hard decision to make. This week, I was faced with an ethical dilemma as the strike begins. While higher governmental employees are getting an increase of salary at a sickening rate, people on the ground level were offered a merely 6.5% (a so called inflation in lined rate). I can fully understand and agree why people should and would strike!! Yet as a health professional, it is illegal and unethical for us to be striking. This places us in a situation of “we vs. them”. The health professional are the “them” who go against the crowd, hence we are in danger. But on the other hand, how can I watch patient die if the strike gets out of hand? It really was a very hard decision to make…should I risk myself to help or not? It had been fortunate that nothing of very destructive nature is happening… We are really lucky until otherwise proven.
To begin with counting my blessings this week: There were 4 very heart warming incidences that happened to me this week. The first three were on Tuesday when I was at CHC clinic doing my job.
1) A mother expressed her concern and worries about “will there be nice people like you at the hospital? The people in the hospital don’t care as much as you did. Thank you.” It was very touching for me, for once; my service was well appreciated and I can sense that this mom will go home and do the home exercise programs I have demonstrate to her with her child.
2) An old lady in a wheelchair who had a long history of CVA had been really depressed. She came in for the 2nd time to see me, she asked me “doctor, am I going to be okay?” with her fearful eyes that shouts out to me for comfort and reassurance. I had to be firm and real yet caring, so I said to her “Mama, I am afraid that your stroke is going to stay pretty much the same as it is.” She replied, “I know doctor, I know that my body is old and it does not heal so well anymore.” I felt her last hope fading, I had to instill hope in her so I attempted, “Mama but God has not forgotten you, look at what a great family you have got. Look how much your daughter cares about you, God is still with you.” That moment, our eyes met and we connected. This had touched me deeply and I think this moment will always be remembered by me or perhaps her as well.
3) Lastly, with a gentlemen that is there to see us for the 2nd time with his daughter. The same complain from his daughter persisted, “he don’t do nothing, he swears at us and don’t cooperates.” But something told me that I saw the picture differently, because of the way he looks confused when we speak. I really felt sorry for him for getting into trouble with the OT students previously— he was so misunderstood!! At the end, what it was is that his hearing aid had broken so he cannot hear what you said to him and therefore he does not understand what is required of him which makes him look uncooperative. I was angry with the family but yet understood that his daughter must have been feeling tired and burnt out for looking after him while others in the family do not help much at all.
The positive moment came when Dini (my rotation supervisor) said to me “Anita, it was really sharp of you to have picked that up.” My reward for being quiet and quite an observer had finally come. After all, it is not all that bad to be an introvert who can sense and feel for others more easily. I felt that finally, in a world of extroverts (or pro-extroverts); being an introvert has its values and place.
The last one came in yesterday evening while I was queuing at the ATM for cash, a colleague that was due to leave for a HOD post in Joburg came queuing behind me. We chatted after we got our money and he asked my plans for next year. After I told him honestly about my plans, he said to me “well if my hospital had a post open, would you consider it?” I thought to myself, “wow! What a compliment in disgust!”. Despite we have not known each other for that long, he thought I was a good person to work with. It meant a lot to me that the world does not think about me the way I thought they would. Some people actually values me and likes me.
I know here I may sound like a depressive patient in a ward and I admit that my self esteem is not that great ever since I didn’t get into medicine. Further, I doubt myself a lot, not only because I am not the most confident person in the world but because I believe that I am much more all-seeing and observant than most so I want to be and am humble.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Looking at the world differently
Last night, I was helping Aaron's mum Bridgid to "entertain" 14 students from the US that had come to South Africa to travel and do their practical for 8 weeks. We had a discussion group, Bridgid introduced the opening question "what is news worthy about today will you tell your grandchildren about your experience today in RSA?".
As they have visited the Freedom musemum and the constritutional cournt in joburg, alot of their experience related to their experience of visiting these places. We discussed about connecting sincererly with others in order to be human in spite of living in complete equality in such a diversed human race is not possible as the difference are very big. I couldn't help to think and wonder " is it really not possible? is peace really an ideology or a possible reality in the distant future?"
What had come out for me in this discussion was not about the students' experiences but the importantce to hold onto positive experiences and stories in our daily lives in order not to become depressed or negative about the world and mankind like I do alot in my writing on this blog page. It is clearly not helping me wanting to be positive while I continue to thinking too much about very little things.
I think today is a good day to start becoming more positive and records what positive expereince I have had in my daily life that was significant to me!
As they have visited the Freedom musemum and the constritutional cournt in joburg, alot of their experience related to their experience of visiting these places. We discussed about connecting sincererly with others in order to be human in spite of living in complete equality in such a diversed human race is not possible as the difference are very big. I couldn't help to think and wonder " is it really not possible? is peace really an ideology or a possible reality in the distant future?"
What had come out for me in this discussion was not about the students' experiences but the importantce to hold onto positive experiences and stories in our daily lives in order not to become depressed or negative about the world and mankind like I do alot in my writing on this blog page. It is clearly not helping me wanting to be positive while I continue to thinking too much about very little things.
I think today is a good day to start becoming more positive and records what positive expereince I have had in my daily life that was significant to me!
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Zambia Experience
Zambia experience
Recently, Aaron and his brother&wife plus I went to a sarafi lodge on Chete island in Zamiba for a holiday. I have been real busy so I haven't written about the experience yet since I returned on the 1st of May.
I must say, it was quite an experience of a lifetime. I came so so close to wild elephants and observed alot about the simple Zambian village life around the market place where we had to go and buy stuff for the lodge. I realised that life really can be that simple if you really want to (or if you really dont have a choice).
Zambia is full with magic. The animals and the people and their environment, it was beautiful because it is a place much closer to nature. I really long to be in a place like that: so in harmony and balanced. However, there is a sad side of this beautiful picture; a very African scene of foreigners coming in "helping" them while taking away resources. I saw a Chinese mining company in Silasongawe near to the island that I was on.
In short, what have I learnt and felt from this amazing experience:
1. Life really can be very simple, it is sad that civilisation and globalisation is disabling us from being able to live simply. I really feel sad how shopping centres are just getting bigger and better in every corner of South Africa (and surely worldwide). I want to ask mankind a question: why do we want to live so unnaturally? We dont really need that many BIG shopping centre. The consumerism is really disgusting to me even through I like to window shop alot!
2. When life is simple and it was not by choice, it can be a very hard life. Zambians amazes me in the way they live with little thing they have. It also shames me about how much I have got, e.g. this laptop I am typing from. God, how can you be so hard on certain people on earth? Zambians, like many Africans are facing and dealing with the AIDS pandemic, TB and Malaria and other disabilities. I felt like just staying and apply my therapeutic skills to provide help for them. Unfortunately, in addition to the harshness of life as it is; locals do not believe in western stuff e.g. education and medicine.
For me this was an ethical question... May I enpose my ideas of what's good for them on them? Yes, it is clear that an injection can save lots of lives and maybe education can change one or two people's fortune and fate. But is this truely good? How do you define what is good? Is living longer and possibly healthier as well as being more intelligent a better or happier life? I am more educated and I use western medicine to be healthier, but am I really happier than they are? To me, being smart is more likely to a curse, esp if you are the think of the mankind type.
3. It deeply saddenes me about the Chinese mine in Zambia. I fully understand that there is simply no free lunch in this world, nobody do charity; there is always and always some string attached! I know I am harsh and expect highly of "my own people", but I cannot believe that people from a nation who was previously oppressed would think of taking advantage of others in any ways. Do we not know the pain of being oppressed???!! Have we really lost our sense of judgement in what is good morally? Or have I over-reacted in observing this? I want to believe this is done in good intention for all, I really believe the good in people. But God, it is getting harder and harder to believe in the good in people. I am deeply hurt by this scene because Chinese business men are not the only one that is doing this. God, just what kind of creature have men become?
What have we done now by using our intelligence to overcome nature and opposing its laws? Where will this lead us?
Recently, Aaron and his brother&wife plus I went to a sarafi lodge on Chete island in Zamiba for a holiday. I have been real busy so I haven't written about the experience yet since I returned on the 1st of May.
I must say, it was quite an experience of a lifetime. I came so so close to wild elephants and observed alot about the simple Zambian village life around the market place where we had to go and buy stuff for the lodge. I realised that life really can be that simple if you really want to (or if you really dont have a choice).
Zambia is full with magic. The animals and the people and their environment, it was beautiful because it is a place much closer to nature. I really long to be in a place like that: so in harmony and balanced. However, there is a sad side of this beautiful picture; a very African scene of foreigners coming in "helping" them while taking away resources. I saw a Chinese mining company in Silasongawe near to the island that I was on.
In short, what have I learnt and felt from this amazing experience:
1. Life really can be very simple, it is sad that civilisation and globalisation is disabling us from being able to live simply. I really feel sad how shopping centres are just getting bigger and better in every corner of South Africa (and surely worldwide). I want to ask mankind a question: why do we want to live so unnaturally? We dont really need that many BIG shopping centre. The consumerism is really disgusting to me even through I like to window shop alot!
2. When life is simple and it was not by choice, it can be a very hard life. Zambians amazes me in the way they live with little thing they have. It also shames me about how much I have got, e.g. this laptop I am typing from. God, how can you be so hard on certain people on earth? Zambians, like many Africans are facing and dealing with the AIDS pandemic, TB and Malaria and other disabilities. I felt like just staying and apply my therapeutic skills to provide help for them. Unfortunately, in addition to the harshness of life as it is; locals do not believe in western stuff e.g. education and medicine.
For me this was an ethical question... May I enpose my ideas of what's good for them on them? Yes, it is clear that an injection can save lots of lives and maybe education can change one or two people's fortune and fate. But is this truely good? How do you define what is good? Is living longer and possibly healthier as well as being more intelligent a better or happier life? I am more educated and I use western medicine to be healthier, but am I really happier than they are? To me, being smart is more likely to a curse, esp if you are the think of the mankind type.
3. It deeply saddenes me about the Chinese mine in Zambia. I fully understand that there is simply no free lunch in this world, nobody do charity; there is always and always some string attached! I know I am harsh and expect highly of "my own people", but I cannot believe that people from a nation who was previously oppressed would think of taking advantage of others in any ways. Do we not know the pain of being oppressed???!! Have we really lost our sense of judgement in what is good morally? Or have I over-reacted in observing this? I want to believe this is done in good intention for all, I really believe the good in people. But God, it is getting harder and harder to believe in the good in people. I am deeply hurt by this scene because Chinese business men are not the only one that is doing this. God, just what kind of creature have men become?
What have we done now by using our intelligence to overcome nature and opposing its laws? Where will this lead us?
Monday, May 21, 2007
SO DAMN COLD!!!
It's so damn freezing in Witbank tonight as I sit here and type on my blog. It's been awhile since I last posted a blog entry. I really has just been so busy and also getting irritated with others more easily too...
Anyways, there is a strike going on this Friday for all government employees; I wonder what will happen and I hope I dont have to be push off from gettig to work. But if it gets too hectic and dangerous, i am not going...
Anyways, there is a strike going on this Friday for all government employees; I wonder what will happen and I hope I dont have to be push off from gettig to work. But if it gets too hectic and dangerous, i am not going...
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Running into trouble at work while just really trying to care …politics take 1
I have recently ran into office politics trouble with physio’s in my hospital where Im working for community service. The incidence is as follows:
A friend of mine (a dietitian) who works in my ward has verbally mentioned that a patient needed seeing by me (an OT) due to a certain reason about a week ago while I was very busy covering for other OTs on holiday. So I eventually got to the patient, while being absolutely shocked about her not being seen by any OT, PT or ST on day 9 that she has been in the ward (which she needs all); I went on a bit of a panic mode & started writing referrals for the professionals needs to be involved in her case (thinking that well if the doctor hasn’t referred to me, gosh I doubt he/she would have for PT or ST). As the PT walked into the ward, I got this comment when I passed her the form: “oh, so now you are also doing referrals?” That was the end of the incident.
I was confused, bit upset but also felt bad on hindsight that the PT must have been so upset about anybody else “bossing” them around except the universally acceptable doctor. Maybe esp the OT who is a “luxury” in the team in lots of others eyes. I wanted to even say sorry to her cos’ I can see her side of the story in my mind, but I really changed my mind about apologizing after today’s meeting about this “compliant” with my duty head of department and supervisor…….
On Friday, my supervisor said she needs to see me on Monday rather urgently. So I spent my whole weekend wondering what it is all about and wondering if I have gotten into trouble somehow. When she said “we need to wait for Rose (the deputy head) for the meeting”, I knew I was in trouble but I just didn’t know what it was and how big was it. The conservation went on something like this:
“We have received a compliant from physio about…”
“Oh, the physio; I think I know what is this one all about…”
“What do you think it is?”
“Well… (explaining the whole incident without really making any excuse or trying to explain cos’ I do not believe it even trying to say why I did what)…”
“She was just not happy with the way she was handled… I know nobody has ever told you that but perhaps you could have done it differently.” And it went on…… When Rose asked me about something else completely different to the topic, I just started to cry. They kept quiet, and I just did not have any other way/language of expressing my voicelessness in this situation. In my heart, I know that no amount of explaining or making excuse is going to put them on my side so I did not. God, I felt so powerless; it was like crying was my only way of protesting against others who think I was wrong…. I could not speak cos’ words would not be heard, I could only cry and to cry to express the frustration and pain in my heart for doing what I believed was not wrong to do and being told off it.
God, what have I done? What have I done, let me think. I paniced and I was so concerned about the patient involved, I was prepared to fuck the office politics to want this patient to get help! I perhaps had forsaken harmony and good relationship between the professionals for ethical responsibilities for the care of the patient involved (or at least so I thought). I tried what I know and what my eyes has witness to work in this 3 past months with the STs. I was trying to save people’s time by making sure all the patient’s details are clearly written in the referral form and have to sign it as it asked for a signature (and I cannot be a coward that cannot take responsibility for writing the form!). And so I signed it myself, damn it!! God, why do I have to fight my own team to do good and to care? Why does this office politics has to get in the way? Everyone wants to be the nice guy and is good with people, who is concern about the work being done?! Other professionals do not let OTs step on them, but when others steps on OTs, we moan and bitch and that’s it!!! I do not and will not be a powerless little OT, who is a nobody of too much importance in the team!!!! I believed in a lot of what Maddie has taught me, be proactive and do not be afraid of upsetting a few people if what you are doing is ethical, is the right thing to do!
God, I know that the way I did it was perhaps not the best option but why do I have to be the one that is spoken to like a naughty dog being told off for stealing a juicy piece of sausage off the dinning table? Am I the only person in the wrong in this case? Is there anybody out there that can help me get the objective answer? God, I am not afraid of conflicting with others. There is nobody else but my parents that can make me yield for harmony (do all I can to not upset them). God I feel really odd, stupid and alone in this unfriendly world. Why do I have to think so differently from others? Why do I have to think so differently? Can cultural difference be an excuse? No, it is not good enough for me to be a valid reason!!! But I just don’t know why it is that I think so “laterally”… Most of the time, I get laugh at for thinking so “laterally” but this time I got into trouble… I got gunned down at the cross fire of office politics. I went into the health profession for this very reason, I thought people would at least put people first before these dirty silly politics but it looks like a NO to me!
This is a song that describe my feelings right now…
Welcome to my life by Simple plan:
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
I write about this because writing is a way that I have found a voice even while being oppressed. I write about this cos’ I want myself to remember it, reflect from it and gain from it what I can fuse with my existing knowledge. But most important, I want to remind myself that there will always be people who will try to straighten me back into streamline. I want myself to remember that although being me sometimes run me into trouble, BUT I LOVE MYSELF FOR BEING DIFFERENT AND FOR BEING ME!!!
Concluding options:
1) Become a doctor myself so that I do not need to be the powerless one, although I swear I will try my best to not abuse the power I would have.
2) Go out of the health field altogether cos’ im sick of being pushed around.
3) Swear not to work in hospitals ever again to avoid this.
A friend of mine (a dietitian) who works in my ward has verbally mentioned that a patient needed seeing by me (an OT) due to a certain reason about a week ago while I was very busy covering for other OTs on holiday. So I eventually got to the patient, while being absolutely shocked about her not being seen by any OT, PT or ST on day 9 that she has been in the ward (which she needs all); I went on a bit of a panic mode & started writing referrals for the professionals needs to be involved in her case (thinking that well if the doctor hasn’t referred to me, gosh I doubt he/she would have for PT or ST). As the PT walked into the ward, I got this comment when I passed her the form: “oh, so now you are also doing referrals?” That was the end of the incident.
I was confused, bit upset but also felt bad on hindsight that the PT must have been so upset about anybody else “bossing” them around except the universally acceptable doctor. Maybe esp the OT who is a “luxury” in the team in lots of others eyes. I wanted to even say sorry to her cos’ I can see her side of the story in my mind, but I really changed my mind about apologizing after today’s meeting about this “compliant” with my duty head of department and supervisor…….
On Friday, my supervisor said she needs to see me on Monday rather urgently. So I spent my whole weekend wondering what it is all about and wondering if I have gotten into trouble somehow. When she said “we need to wait for Rose (the deputy head) for the meeting”, I knew I was in trouble but I just didn’t know what it was and how big was it. The conservation went on something like this:
“We have received a compliant from physio about…”
“Oh, the physio; I think I know what is this one all about…”
“What do you think it is?”
“Well… (explaining the whole incident without really making any excuse or trying to explain cos’ I do not believe it even trying to say why I did what)…”
“She was just not happy with the way she was handled… I know nobody has ever told you that but perhaps you could have done it differently.” And it went on…… When Rose asked me about something else completely different to the topic, I just started to cry. They kept quiet, and I just did not have any other way/language of expressing my voicelessness in this situation. In my heart, I know that no amount of explaining or making excuse is going to put them on my side so I did not. God, I felt so powerless; it was like crying was my only way of protesting against others who think I was wrong…. I could not speak cos’ words would not be heard, I could only cry and to cry to express the frustration and pain in my heart for doing what I believed was not wrong to do and being told off it.
God, what have I done? What have I done, let me think. I paniced and I was so concerned about the patient involved, I was prepared to fuck the office politics to want this patient to get help! I perhaps had forsaken harmony and good relationship between the professionals for ethical responsibilities for the care of the patient involved (or at least so I thought). I tried what I know and what my eyes has witness to work in this 3 past months with the STs. I was trying to save people’s time by making sure all the patient’s details are clearly written in the referral form and have to sign it as it asked for a signature (and I cannot be a coward that cannot take responsibility for writing the form!). And so I signed it myself, damn it!! God, why do I have to fight my own team to do good and to care? Why does this office politics has to get in the way? Everyone wants to be the nice guy and is good with people, who is concern about the work being done?! Other professionals do not let OTs step on them, but when others steps on OTs, we moan and bitch and that’s it!!! I do not and will not be a powerless little OT, who is a nobody of too much importance in the team!!!! I believed in a lot of what Maddie has taught me, be proactive and do not be afraid of upsetting a few people if what you are doing is ethical, is the right thing to do!
God, I know that the way I did it was perhaps not the best option but why do I have to be the one that is spoken to like a naughty dog being told off for stealing a juicy piece of sausage off the dinning table? Am I the only person in the wrong in this case? Is there anybody out there that can help me get the objective answer? God, I am not afraid of conflicting with others. There is nobody else but my parents that can make me yield for harmony (do all I can to not upset them). God I feel really odd, stupid and alone in this unfriendly world. Why do I have to think so differently from others? Why do I have to think so differently? Can cultural difference be an excuse? No, it is not good enough for me to be a valid reason!!! But I just don’t know why it is that I think so “laterally”… Most of the time, I get laugh at for thinking so “laterally” but this time I got into trouble… I got gunned down at the cross fire of office politics. I went into the health profession for this very reason, I thought people would at least put people first before these dirty silly politics but it looks like a NO to me!
This is a song that describe my feelings right now…
Welcome to my life by Simple plan:
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
I write about this because writing is a way that I have found a voice even while being oppressed. I write about this cos’ I want myself to remember it, reflect from it and gain from it what I can fuse with my existing knowledge. But most important, I want to remind myself that there will always be people who will try to straighten me back into streamline. I want myself to remember that although being me sometimes run me into trouble, BUT I LOVE MYSELF FOR BEING DIFFERENT AND FOR BEING ME!!!
Concluding options:
1) Become a doctor myself so that I do not need to be the powerless one, although I swear I will try my best to not abuse the power I would have.
2) Go out of the health field altogether cos’ im sick of being pushed around.
3) Swear not to work in hospitals ever again to avoid this.
Monday, March 5, 2007
a work situation that I would like myself to remember always
Last week, while the OT in charge of the paeds was on holiday; I took care of 3 patients in one of her wards for her. There were a mother & child pair which is the main characters of this story.
I started my week with them building trust, discussing what is difficult for being a 20 year old mum while studying Gr. 9 without the father of the child and having had a stroke and then I went onto practising ways of making life easier with the mum for them both. Suddenly, when I arrived the next day; I saw the mum crying and holding onto her equally crying baby tightly in her arms while surrounded by aggressive looking doctor and nurses who were trying to convience her to stay and go to the hospice for RVD rx for the baby. The mum's will was strong with regards to going home going hospice is a place to die & the baby hasn't improved in 4mths which earned her the comments of a doctor to say "she's killing her baby and she is a bad mum" and "by law, we should actually take the baby away from her".
For God's sake, why did you make that comment, Dr. "I know what's best"?! How dare you judge the mum for her decision?! How dare you for wanting to kill her self esteem and strip her of her identity of being a mum?! You are white and male and young, WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU KNOW BETTER THAN SHE DOES ABOUT BEING THIS BABY GIRL'S MUM??? I know the law you are talking about and it is about child abuse and neglect. I do not believe that being by the baby's side for 8 months and had to quit school for it is an action from a child abuser or neglector?! You are killing the baby by stabbing her mum. Not to forget that the baby is at stage 4 in RVD and is dying anyways.., do you smile to see that this poor baby girl is to die in some cold lonely uncomfortable and unloved corner of a children's hospice/home cos' you think she does not have a mum that fits to be her mum? How cruel is it to seperate mum and child? How cruel is it to want the kid to die unsurrounded by love and loved ones? How dare you not to consider the social stimga and pressure she and her family is facing which leads to her choice?! How dare you for stabbing a bleeding heart? This mum had fought so long and so hard for her child, she may be young but she is a loving mum! God, am I the only person here in the team who believes in her (and in fact knew least about her)?
God, I am upset about this and my heart is still bleeding for this pair. It is unlikely I will see them again cos' they are far into the development of their illnesses. God, teach me how to deal with this? How to do something about this injustice? No amount of apology will ever heal the 20 year old mum's heart. She has been trying so hard yet she was not good enough in some morron's eyes. IT is like getting snapped on your face and getting told you are a born failure and you will never be amount to anything.
What am I to do? So many collague had heard my story and then moved on, is there nobody who will be prepared to do anything about it? I want to give that morron a wake up call!!! Life is not always about the length of it but the width (the quality of life)! We do not have the power to decide who lives and for how long does someone live but we certainly can contribute towards a better/more comfortable stay on earth for their time left. Why do you have to shut the door by deciding so early about how gd/bad a person is? How do you expect her to want to ask u for help if you just push her away like this?
God, help me please!! help me to live past this one event in my professional career. I know how this will always stay in my mind and how this will always remain a sad event for me. God help me to stop this injustise!!
I started my week with them building trust, discussing what is difficult for being a 20 year old mum while studying Gr. 9 without the father of the child and having had a stroke and then I went onto practising ways of making life easier with the mum for them both. Suddenly, when I arrived the next day; I saw the mum crying and holding onto her equally crying baby tightly in her arms while surrounded by aggressive looking doctor and nurses who were trying to convience her to stay and go to the hospice for RVD rx for the baby. The mum's will was strong with regards to going home going hospice is a place to die & the baby hasn't improved in 4mths which earned her the comments of a doctor to say "she's killing her baby and she is a bad mum" and "by law, we should actually take the baby away from her".
For God's sake, why did you make that comment, Dr. "I know what's best"?! How dare you judge the mum for her decision?! How dare you for wanting to kill her self esteem and strip her of her identity of being a mum?! You are white and male and young, WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU KNOW BETTER THAN SHE DOES ABOUT BEING THIS BABY GIRL'S MUM??? I know the law you are talking about and it is about child abuse and neglect. I do not believe that being by the baby's side for 8 months and had to quit school for it is an action from a child abuser or neglector?! You are killing the baby by stabbing her mum. Not to forget that the baby is at stage 4 in RVD and is dying anyways.., do you smile to see that this poor baby girl is to die in some cold lonely uncomfortable and unloved corner of a children's hospice/home cos' you think she does not have a mum that fits to be her mum? How cruel is it to seperate mum and child? How cruel is it to want the kid to die unsurrounded by love and loved ones? How dare you not to consider the social stimga and pressure she and her family is facing which leads to her choice?! How dare you for stabbing a bleeding heart? This mum had fought so long and so hard for her child, she may be young but she is a loving mum! God, am I the only person here in the team who believes in her (and in fact knew least about her)?
God, I am upset about this and my heart is still bleeding for this pair. It is unlikely I will see them again cos' they are far into the development of their illnesses. God, teach me how to deal with this? How to do something about this injustice? No amount of apology will ever heal the 20 year old mum's heart. She has been trying so hard yet she was not good enough in some morron's eyes. IT is like getting snapped on your face and getting told you are a born failure and you will never be amount to anything.
What am I to do? So many collague had heard my story and then moved on, is there nobody who will be prepared to do anything about it? I want to give that morron a wake up call!!! Life is not always about the length of it but the width (the quality of life)! We do not have the power to decide who lives and for how long does someone live but we certainly can contribute towards a better/more comfortable stay on earth for their time left. Why do you have to shut the door by deciding so early about how gd/bad a person is? How do you expect her to want to ask u for help if you just push her away like this?
God, help me please!! help me to live past this one event in my professional career. I know how this will always stay in my mind and how this will always remain a sad event for me. God help me to stop this injustise!!
The secret is out!
So the secret is out, apparently the community claims that they know that I have been dating a white guy for a long time. And on top of that, it is congrat as a great move to compensate for my "chinese-english" (chinese style english, i.e. as in your english is not good enough) by a certain arrgonant ex-university goer ("Mr. Z") in the community.
God, I think; I have the right to feel anger, is that correct and ok with You? I wanted to scream "f*** off, it is none of your S***'s business!!!!" What is with you guys? I know, for a long time; society does not allow people to step out of their line easily and I know I have been doing just it all along in all these years. And I know, one day; the "punishment" will come in forms of nasty comments like this. God, please teach me how to walk on waters and not sink cos' they are trying to push me down!! I am trying to get a hold on myself so i dont drown in their saliva. Although, on the other hand; I am amazed at the creativity in making the connections between all my actions in a way that I cannot even imagine myself and of course never thought of.
Let me ask my infamous question again: "why is there so little love in the world that it doesn't go round???" Why the criticism and why the shoulder and nasty voice?? Am I a sore in your eyes so much that you feel a certain irritation which is the cause of your nastiness? God, why are you sending me to find an answer to this impossible question? The interesting thing was that I was just exactly scared of myself becoming like Mr. Z over the weekend. I know I have made comments about the "other part of society", "those bunch" etc. I would like to hereby make myself remember this, remember this arrogances and avoid it!
Mr. Z has always displayed unwelcomed criticism of others and send off the signals that others are not on his level(of education, i guess in his case). It is so easy to do exactly what Mr. Z is doing, cos' we can. Cos' we are "highly educated" and "more intelligent" or "morally more correct" and better than "those natives/less civialised". I do understand that in his days, going to university is rare and it puts you on a pretty throne if you went to it. Like I said to my mum, "well, I guess everyone has the right to be proud of their own achievements, but over-proudness is a personally choice. It is up to the one possessing the power/knowledge to decide how proud they want themselves to be with their achievements and we can do nothing but respects it as much as we humanily possibly can". However, I do condemn being so proud of yourself that you think the whole worlds are full of stupid people. If you are happy with yourself, God knows my heart that I am happy for you too. But if you are so happy with yourself that you think I am not as good as you are then I am sorry to say that I cannot deal with you. WHAT AN ARROGANT PRICK is this to think I date a white guy to compensate for my poor english?!!?! I find this way of equaling my love life with my level of english really odd. Esp. the laughable thing is that my level of ability to write these letters that he is basing his measurements are much higher than many youngsters that I know. And besides, what is wrong with it?? As long as I get my point across and it is working for me, how dare you to JUDGE me?
This is where I fear no death, cos' I believe in God for this one... I believe God would judge me fairly and I have got nothing to be ashammed of. How dare you Mr. Z for judging me like that?! How dare you community for trying to punish me for being myself and that happens to be different from the majority of you??! What is wrong in your eyes that I love to live my life the way I live it and yet I am helping others in my daily life not harming anybody?
God, this is going to take me awhile to calm down again about... cos' this is not right!!! How dare they to judge me and they themselves are not perfect!
God, I think; I have the right to feel anger, is that correct and ok with You? I wanted to scream "f*** off, it is none of your S***'s business!!!!" What is with you guys? I know, for a long time; society does not allow people to step out of their line easily and I know I have been doing just it all along in all these years. And I know, one day; the "punishment" will come in forms of nasty comments like this. God, please teach me how to walk on waters and not sink cos' they are trying to push me down!! I am trying to get a hold on myself so i dont drown in their saliva. Although, on the other hand; I am amazed at the creativity in making the connections between all my actions in a way that I cannot even imagine myself and of course never thought of.
Let me ask my infamous question again: "why is there so little love in the world that it doesn't go round???" Why the criticism and why the shoulder and nasty voice?? Am I a sore in your eyes so much that you feel a certain irritation which is the cause of your nastiness? God, why are you sending me to find an answer to this impossible question? The interesting thing was that I was just exactly scared of myself becoming like Mr. Z over the weekend. I know I have made comments about the "other part of society", "those bunch" etc. I would like to hereby make myself remember this, remember this arrogances and avoid it!
Mr. Z has always displayed unwelcomed criticism of others and send off the signals that others are not on his level(of education, i guess in his case). It is so easy to do exactly what Mr. Z is doing, cos' we can. Cos' we are "highly educated" and "more intelligent" or "morally more correct" and better than "those natives/less civialised". I do understand that in his days, going to university is rare and it puts you on a pretty throne if you went to it. Like I said to my mum, "well, I guess everyone has the right to be proud of their own achievements, but over-proudness is a personally choice. It is up to the one possessing the power/knowledge to decide how proud they want themselves to be with their achievements and we can do nothing but respects it as much as we humanily possibly can". However, I do condemn being so proud of yourself that you think the whole worlds are full of stupid people. If you are happy with yourself, God knows my heart that I am happy for you too. But if you are so happy with yourself that you think I am not as good as you are then I am sorry to say that I cannot deal with you. WHAT AN ARROGANT PRICK is this to think I date a white guy to compensate for my poor english?!!?! I find this way of equaling my love life with my level of english really odd. Esp. the laughable thing is that my level of ability to write these letters that he is basing his measurements are much higher than many youngsters that I know. And besides, what is wrong with it?? As long as I get my point across and it is working for me, how dare you to JUDGE me?
This is where I fear no death, cos' I believe in God for this one... I believe God would judge me fairly and I have got nothing to be ashammed of. How dare you Mr. Z for judging me like that?! How dare you community for trying to punish me for being myself and that happens to be different from the majority of you??! What is wrong in your eyes that I love to live my life the way I live it and yet I am helping others in my daily life not harming anybody?
God, this is going to take me awhile to calm down again about... cos' this is not right!!! How dare they to judge me and they themselves are not perfect!
Friday, February 23, 2007
Being Different
We have just had a house warming party at our house in Witbank last Wednesday, and I remember feeling how different I feel from some of the other people that were present there at my party. There is this one group who gotten themselve rather drunk and vague. From seeing that in front of my eyes, suddenly I sense my mind froozed and took a snap shoot of the scene in front of my eyes and I began to examine inwards on this question I have always struggled with: "why can I never fit in with others? Why do I have to feel the emptyiness inside me when I watch them having drunken fun despite that I never had wanted to have such kind of fun under influrence anyways?"
I remembered myself saying to myself "this year, 2007; I want to meet more people, have somemore fun cos' I am not at home and mix with people whom I dont necessarily think they are my type of friends potentials". But this froozen snap shoot in my brain is protesting against my wish to meet people and some wild fun. It is in fact telling me the following after reflection:
1) There are so so many kinds of people in the world, and I cannot like them all.
2) I acknowledged that "yes, I wanted it" but it really isn't what I needed. I am just not the kind of people that is able to allow myself to be totally drunk in others' party, make a fool of myself and call that FUN! I am unable to allow myself, additionaly I do not rely on that to have fun.
3) It has been very hard to be so different to others around me throughout my life and some of the times I really wanted just to fit in rather than put up a fight. But it is seeing these bunch that symbolise the kind of people that makes me feel gulity for being different finally allows me to be at peace and say to myself "well, it is okay that I am different; I am in fact glad that I am not the same as they are."
In a way, I know I felt their emptyiness and was sad for them; but on personally level, I am relieved and glad that I am not like them. My life journey is no longer about trying to have their kind of fun and be like them, however from hereon, it will be about to accept and love my own uniqueness more than I had ever before.
Let me come to terms with myself and the person I am, that there is only one me in this world. I am not unique for no reason!!
I remembered myself saying to myself "this year, 2007; I want to meet more people, have somemore fun cos' I am not at home and mix with people whom I dont necessarily think they are my type of friends potentials". But this froozen snap shoot in my brain is protesting against my wish to meet people and some wild fun. It is in fact telling me the following after reflection:
1) There are so so many kinds of people in the world, and I cannot like them all.
2) I acknowledged that "yes, I wanted it" but it really isn't what I needed. I am just not the kind of people that is able to allow myself to be totally drunk in others' party, make a fool of myself and call that FUN! I am unable to allow myself, additionaly I do not rely on that to have fun.
3) It has been very hard to be so different to others around me throughout my life and some of the times I really wanted just to fit in rather than put up a fight. But it is seeing these bunch that symbolise the kind of people that makes me feel gulity for being different finally allows me to be at peace and say to myself "well, it is okay that I am different; I am in fact glad that I am not the same as they are."
In a way, I know I felt their emptyiness and was sad for them; but on personally level, I am relieved and glad that I am not like them. My life journey is no longer about trying to have their kind of fun and be like them, however from hereon, it will be about to accept and love my own uniqueness more than I had ever before.
Let me come to terms with myself and the person I am, that there is only one me in this world. I am not unique for no reason!!
Saturday, February 17, 2007
My work at work
Working in a medical ward
It has been really depressing to see the amounts of RVDs in the ward, just about everyone has it. And having it makes life much harder; they get illnesses they are not suppose to and present in a funny unusual way. And as a health professional, I felt helpless as I am unable to help, to improve the person's health. Yes I know I am not a doctor and it is hence not my job to fight with Death. However, it is my responsibility and what I find meaning in..is to bring meaning, hope and joy in people's lives. The enemy I fight is not Death, but fear and despairs. They are harder enemies to fight than one can possibly imagine. Someone could be living died (emotionally numb) but when u die, u die..that's the end of battle. How can I possibly steal hope, meaning and joy from fear and despair when they are so powerful?
I know I havent really been writing about this, but it is tough to be health professional. it is tough and I would say it again; I have watched so many people dead and dying. I have to ask myself, is this normal for a sure to be 23 years old?
All I can say is that it is very tough at the moment, watching people losing their battle before the end of it. You can just sense it in their dim and dull eyes that asks " what future do I have?" and "who are you to stop me from dying, do I not even have the choice to die?"
It has been really depressing to see the amounts of RVDs in the ward, just about everyone has it. And having it makes life much harder; they get illnesses they are not suppose to and present in a funny unusual way. And as a health professional, I felt helpless as I am unable to help, to improve the person's health. Yes I know I am not a doctor and it is hence not my job to fight with Death. However, it is my responsibility and what I find meaning in..is to bring meaning, hope and joy in people's lives. The enemy I fight is not Death, but fear and despairs. They are harder enemies to fight than one can possibly imagine. Someone could be living died (emotionally numb) but when u die, u die..that's the end of battle. How can I possibly steal hope, meaning and joy from fear and despair when they are so powerful?
I know I havent really been writing about this, but it is tough to be health professional. it is tough and I would say it again; I have watched so many people dead and dying. I have to ask myself, is this normal for a sure to be 23 years old?
All I can say is that it is very tough at the moment, watching people losing their battle before the end of it. You can just sense it in their dim and dull eyes that asks " what future do I have?" and "who are you to stop me from dying, do I not even have the choice to die?"
Beauty..what beauty/uglyiness??
I was watching "Shall we Dance" the movie (starring J-Lo and Richard Gear) and really loved it the way dancing is so wonderful and beautiful. I really think I want to do ballroom sometime; I have been hoping to do it with someone I love. However, I am not sure if the someone I love would like dancing.
He mentioned about how competition removes the beautiful of dancing from it, I began to wonder if it does remove it. It still looked amazing to me, the moves and the people and their clothes. Besides, who decide what is beauty anyways? Isnt that just another set of rules to say if this is the right way to do something or wrong way to do something??? At this point, this was where I wondered further...DOESNT THE WORLD HAVE SPACE FOR "UGLY" THINGS ANYMORE? Why shouldn't uglyiness and beauty be treated equally? What is wrong with uglyiness, is it evil? I laugh at it as I remember a poem by William Blake as follows:
TIGER, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?
And what shoulder and what art
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand and what dread feet?
What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? What dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
When the stars threw down their spears,
And water'd heaven with their tears,
Did He smile His work to see?
Did He who made the lamb make thee?
Tiger, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
Note, to not give uglyiness space in the world because it is not beautiful; to me, it is the same as to asking God "how can you make the tiger while you make some gentle animal like the lambs" in Blake's Poem. Does God ever answer this question, the answer is NO! (well that is at least I haven't heard the answer). But I "see" God's point in not answering Blake's question, because God preaches unconditional love...no matter how good or evil and no matter how beautiful or ugly. Let's have a look at 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, as follows:
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
So, beauty??? Who's beauty??? What do this "who" think beauty is? I have always oh so struggle with morality, who's idea of rights and wrongs is it? I somehow believes there is never right and wrong but inappropriate things to have been done at the time. There is no absolute or certainity, that's what I want to tell you all (and yes I know, most people who has a religion will want to kill me on this one cos' their religions have rights and wrongs/good and evils!! I feel kind of sad for myself, feel real hollow inside cos' I dont think the world has space for me and my ideas either. I guess I am far too frightening and dangerous.
In the end, I can only pull out my ironic smile again and agrees...donomite does indeed comes in small packages.
He mentioned about how competition removes the beautiful of dancing from it, I began to wonder if it does remove it. It still looked amazing to me, the moves and the people and their clothes. Besides, who decide what is beauty anyways? Isnt that just another set of rules to say if this is the right way to do something or wrong way to do something??? At this point, this was where I wondered further...DOESNT THE WORLD HAVE SPACE FOR "UGLY" THINGS ANYMORE? Why shouldn't uglyiness and beauty be treated equally? What is wrong with uglyiness, is it evil? I laugh at it as I remember a poem by William Blake as follows:
TIGER, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?
And what shoulder and what art
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand and what dread feet?
What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? What dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
When the stars threw down their spears,
And water'd heaven with their tears,
Did He smile His work to see?
Did He who made the lamb make thee?
Tiger, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
Note, to not give uglyiness space in the world because it is not beautiful; to me, it is the same as to asking God "how can you make the tiger while you make some gentle animal like the lambs" in Blake's Poem. Does God ever answer this question, the answer is NO! (well that is at least I haven't heard the answer). But I "see" God's point in not answering Blake's question, because God preaches unconditional love...no matter how good or evil and no matter how beautiful or ugly. Let's have a look at 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, as follows:
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
So, beauty??? Who's beauty??? What do this "who" think beauty is? I have always oh so struggle with morality, who's idea of rights and wrongs is it? I somehow believes there is never right and wrong but inappropriate things to have been done at the time. There is no absolute or certainity, that's what I want to tell you all (and yes I know, most people who has a religion will want to kill me on this one cos' their religions have rights and wrongs/good and evils!! I feel kind of sad for myself, feel real hollow inside cos' I dont think the world has space for me and my ideas either. I guess I am far too frightening and dangerous.
In the end, I can only pull out my ironic smile again and agrees...donomite does indeed comes in small packages.
Friday, January 12, 2007
"The Queen"
I went and watch a movie on the Queen Elizabeth of England recently and found it interesting.
I wondered if the movie was about the queen or more about Dianna, it shown the queen's action towards Dianna's death. What she struggled with and what she did or didn't do. The one scene that I felt signifiant was the scene were the Queen's 4x4 broke down in the river where she saw a beautiful animal and she cried. The scene began with her crying with her back to the carmea. At that moment, the Queen (her highness) seem not so "high" anymore but instead I saw a human being that had just came out of the "shock" stage of some psychologist's stages of grief. She was a human being and I saw myself in her. The parallel that lies between us were how strong we seem to others and how we grew up being taught to keep our emotions to ourselves (Never show any emotions to anyone cos' you do not know who will be your enemies tomorrow). We have left no space for ourselves to grief or to think for ourselves (well, I suppose she has a tougher job than me being the queen compare to being a therapist). But I felt that was me as well, sitting there crying when I (her) after just kept going and going; had finally come to a stand still and the sorrows crawls in through all the gaps in my heart and overflows it with the saddness.
The other scene that I found particular spoke to me was when she met the body of that beautiful animal again when it was shot by someone. For some in the audience, it might have seem to have shown stupidity and stubborness in the Queen (in the fact that she was able to grief more openly for an animal but not Dianna), but for me I saw something else in her, in society and in people the public.
In the queen, I saw everybody in the world. The stupidity is in fact, everybody would do exactly the same as the queen had... Able to feel (or examine) anyone who didnt really matter to you so objectively, but as soon as it comes to someone very very close to yourself (esp. family); somethings get in the way (you dont want to feel sorry anymore or able to be objectively any longer).
Being the Queen must be an unimaginable hard job to have, it may or may not be something you want to do but you have to. There woudl be hard times, good times and times you get suprised. This is so much similar to what I expect to happen in my own life; the same old there will be bad times, good times and times where I get suprised. There will be things in life you dont want to do but have do. What the movie reminded of is, whatever you do or face; do it or face it with a smile!!! Remember how someone out there, really has a tougher job than yourself no matter how glamourous it may have look to you and that even the high up and the important also has their humanity... including the weakness, yup; all of it!
I wondered if the movie was about the queen or more about Dianna, it shown the queen's action towards Dianna's death. What she struggled with and what she did or didn't do. The one scene that I felt signifiant was the scene were the Queen's 4x4 broke down in the river where she saw a beautiful animal and she cried. The scene began with her crying with her back to the carmea. At that moment, the Queen (her highness) seem not so "high" anymore but instead I saw a human being that had just came out of the "shock" stage of some psychologist's stages of grief. She was a human being and I saw myself in her. The parallel that lies between us were how strong we seem to others and how we grew up being taught to keep our emotions to ourselves (Never show any emotions to anyone cos' you do not know who will be your enemies tomorrow). We have left no space for ourselves to grief or to think for ourselves (well, I suppose she has a tougher job than me being the queen compare to being a therapist). But I felt that was me as well, sitting there crying when I (her) after just kept going and going; had finally come to a stand still and the sorrows crawls in through all the gaps in my heart and overflows it with the saddness.
The other scene that I found particular spoke to me was when she met the body of that beautiful animal again when it was shot by someone. For some in the audience, it might have seem to have shown stupidity and stubborness in the Queen (in the fact that she was able to grief more openly for an animal but not Dianna), but for me I saw something else in her, in society and in people the public.
In the queen, I saw everybody in the world. The stupidity is in fact, everybody would do exactly the same as the queen had... Able to feel (or examine) anyone who didnt really matter to you so objectively, but as soon as it comes to someone very very close to yourself (esp. family); somethings get in the way (you dont want to feel sorry anymore or able to be objectively any longer).
Being the Queen must be an unimaginable hard job to have, it may or may not be something you want to do but you have to. There woudl be hard times, good times and times you get suprised. This is so much similar to what I expect to happen in my own life; the same old there will be bad times, good times and times where I get suprised. There will be things in life you dont want to do but have do. What the movie reminded of is, whatever you do or face; do it or face it with a smile!!! Remember how someone out there, really has a tougher job than yourself no matter how glamourous it may have look to you and that even the high up and the important also has their humanity... including the weakness, yup; all of it!
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