I really feel like my whole body and my whole brain/head/mind/soul is just draggin on the floor there as I am trying to push myself forward to work. It's crazy how hard I am pushing myself, I feel like I am pushing myself over the cliff and is actively killing myself in this process.
So; so far I feel brain dead and feel like I am in a coma and doesn't want to move or do anything. I wonder if I can continue like this for another year at least. I had an extremely busy week with nothing planned on my timetable in my diary at all. 3 interviews, thesis proposal yet to be done (1st draft) and got yet another assignment due 2 weeks time.
GOD~~!@!#!$@!#$!@%!$# I just want to SCREA~~~~!!!! Arrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggg.....
Beep beep beep... I shall continue being in my coma until my brain want to work again.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Talk about romatics!!
A South African farmer decided to burn his proposal to his occupational therapist girlfriend on the field near his farm last weekend. I wonder what the carbon foot prints will be for burning so much plants, but hey; HOW ROMANTIC!! Eiesh, I am jealous in a sweet way:)
Thumbs up OTs!! We are the lucky girls:)
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Watching for Natalie in Olympics 2008
Yesterday I couldn't sleep, today I woke up from my sleep to watch for my old friend. Through she's no where in the front at the momemnt in the race, but I have faith in her. I simply believes that she is a winner in her own right and yes I think and I believe she will win a medal from the race. I really think it is possible.
GO GO NATALIE!!!! SOUTH AFRICA IS BEHIND YOU:)
GO GO NATALIE!!!! SOUTH AFRICA IS BEHIND YOU:)
Monday, August 18, 2008
Tonight I couldnt sleep
I am feeling very sick from coughing and flu yet I lay awake and unable to sleep.
I was listening to some music and ended up missing my passed on relatives and started to cry. I know this is when I am stressed. I missed them and I start crying when I am in a very stressful situation.
This concerns me slightly as it's been so long yet it doesn't appear I have come to terms with it totally. And it is a sign of high intensity of stress symptoms for me. I just wonder how much longer do I want to drag them with me as a burden to us all. If I dont move on, it is hard for them to move on too cos' they would be worried about me. This is where I remembered one of my patients in coma who I really still believe he told me with his eyes the way he looked at me before he died..."I don't want to fight anymore, I want to go, let me go... I can't do this anymore and please accept this."
Love, I dont want to you continue with this burden. Please drop it here, right here and move on. I promise you that you will not forget them by dropping them off here. They are still with you even through you drop them off here! It's laughable how many times I tell others to let go and it is so hard to do it yourself!
So many times and so many people had told me to stop being so hard on yourself. I wish I can stop but I am like an addict to self critic, I wish I can stop and start looking at myself as equally and kindly as I look at others. For god's sake, you are not a saint so why are you expecting yourself to be one?!! How come everybody else can have reasons not to do stuff yet you will not let yourself to have any excuses at all? Please, you are only human and you know it!!
God, I dont hate myself. I love myself alot in fact but I am not easy to love. I am difficult, always competing for the best/perfection in my own sense and good is not good enough. I believe there's a life lesson to be learnt here and I hope to find it soon. Gd nite:)
I was listening to some music and ended up missing my passed on relatives and started to cry. I know this is when I am stressed. I missed them and I start crying when I am in a very stressful situation.
This concerns me slightly as it's been so long yet it doesn't appear I have come to terms with it totally. And it is a sign of high intensity of stress symptoms for me. I just wonder how much longer do I want to drag them with me as a burden to us all. If I dont move on, it is hard for them to move on too cos' they would be worried about me. This is where I remembered one of my patients in coma who I really still believe he told me with his eyes the way he looked at me before he died..."I don't want to fight anymore, I want to go, let me go... I can't do this anymore and please accept this."
Love, I dont want to you continue with this burden. Please drop it here, right here and move on. I promise you that you will not forget them by dropping them off here. They are still with you even through you drop them off here! It's laughable how many times I tell others to let go and it is so hard to do it yourself!
So many times and so many people had told me to stop being so hard on yourself. I wish I can stop but I am like an addict to self critic, I wish I can stop and start looking at myself as equally and kindly as I look at others. For god's sake, you are not a saint so why are you expecting yourself to be one?!! How come everybody else can have reasons not to do stuff yet you will not let yourself to have any excuses at all? Please, you are only human and you know it!!
God, I dont hate myself. I love myself alot in fact but I am not easy to love. I am difficult, always competing for the best/perfection in my own sense and good is not good enough. I believe there's a life lesson to be learnt here and I hope to find it soon. Gd nite:)
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Never give up even in the face of impossibility and difficulty
I know I must have been one of the easiest to end up in tears kind of person in the world (through to add, I use to suppress so much of it when I was in high school). Tears wanted to rush out of my eyes as I read about the above picture in the SingPao newspaper from HK today.
As you can see, there are a diversity of people of all background and health status getting married in this photo above. One thing is common is the joy and happiness that is evidenced in their smiles on their faces. I feel the true joy for them too!! As I read on the article, this is an organized event from a NGO in HK to help 19 couples with diverse impairments in celebrating their relationships. These couples did not have a chance to have a grand wedding earlier on in live due to varies reasons e.g. parents' objection, financial difficulties etc.
It gives me the courage to face my own difficulties that I am experiencing in life right now. What am I complaining about when I have all working limbs, mind and body?! I know it is tough with job choices/offers at the moment but it's not all that tough when we put ourselves in perspectives in comparisons to the hardship the above people have gone through.
As an occupational therapist, this is why I feel on top of the world joyful for these people getting the acknowledgment for their love and relationships!! I am truly happy for them and wishing them all the best in life in my heart!
Thursday, August 14, 2008
I was never born therefore I will never die
Today I had an inspirational lecture with the business management and leadership lecturer as part of my courses. He said something very profound and interesting - 'I was never born therefore I will never die."
We were discussing about who is 'I'? When we say "I do this... or do that XYZ", who is this "I"? I am not my body as my body belongs to the 'I'. I am not my mind as 'I' can observe my mind. So who is this 'I'?......
As he spoke, I imagined a little dull and dark metal box within myself that contains a little bit of light which resides within my heart, my soul and my consciousness. This is me!! This is 'I'. I am the spirit that lives in my soul (the box) who controls my mind and body. The spirit is eternal and is not made up of the materials of this world yet my body is (it contains all the carbons, oxygens, etc that is the same in a tree or a dog) and my mind is full of thoughts of this world~!! Yet the 'I'..."me" is not of this world, I have always knew i don't belong here and I am a stranger away from 'home' on my 'body and mind' journeying through the world in my time (life).
The reason I am writing this right now is I felt angry with my brother who had a nasty comment on something I said. He was like on a reflex and 'judged' my comment immediately 1 sec after I said it. I suddenly remember what the lecuter said, if I am the spirit in my soul, why would this anger me and upset me? It's not hurting me, it's hurting my ego! It's like someone saying that you got an ugly car. Sure well it's not nice that you think my car is ugly but hey it's only my car... it's not going to hurt me, right?
God, it is hard for me to just 'passively reflect' on this and anything tony has to say negatively about me/the rest of my family. I tried and I will try again to just let it play out in my mind. When I tried just now, I saw a very angry brother of mine and the next image was him crying, frustrated and hurt bending down to hold himself. I suppose I can still get hated for being so 'on top of it all' and seemingly always happy and content - (may seem stressfree to him I guess).
God, I wanted to run back into my room just now when he expressed his negative judgment towards my comments. I remember myself doing that many a times before this as an action to run away but I have now changed... I went back to my room to reflect on this, remember all the feelings it evokes in me and my ego. Love, I know you are worried about him: you are worried that I will change and improve every time I reflect and learn from myself and my feelings... yet will he improve on himself? will he see and rise above himself? God am I expecting too much of myself and others around me? Am I being as stupid and irrorant as those who I may regard as not enlighted or awaken? Or worse, I am even errogant?? (now that's very problematic!! more so than those who are just asleep!!)
We were discussing about who is 'I'? When we say "I do this... or do that XYZ", who is this "I"? I am not my body as my body belongs to the 'I'. I am not my mind as 'I' can observe my mind. So who is this 'I'?......
As he spoke, I imagined a little dull and dark metal box within myself that contains a little bit of light which resides within my heart, my soul and my consciousness. This is me!! This is 'I'. I am the spirit that lives in my soul (the box) who controls my mind and body. The spirit is eternal and is not made up of the materials of this world yet my body is (it contains all the carbons, oxygens, etc that is the same in a tree or a dog) and my mind is full of thoughts of this world~!! Yet the 'I'..."me" is not of this world, I have always knew i don't belong here and I am a stranger away from 'home' on my 'body and mind' journeying through the world in my time (life).
The reason I am writing this right now is I felt angry with my brother who had a nasty comment on something I said. He was like on a reflex and 'judged' my comment immediately 1 sec after I said it. I suddenly remember what the lecuter said, if I am the spirit in my soul, why would this anger me and upset me? It's not hurting me, it's hurting my ego! It's like someone saying that you got an ugly car. Sure well it's not nice that you think my car is ugly but hey it's only my car... it's not going to hurt me, right?
God, it is hard for me to just 'passively reflect' on this and anything tony has to say negatively about me/the rest of my family. I tried and I will try again to just let it play out in my mind. When I tried just now, I saw a very angry brother of mine and the next image was him crying, frustrated and hurt bending down to hold himself. I suppose I can still get hated for being so 'on top of it all' and seemingly always happy and content - (may seem stressfree to him I guess).
God, I wanted to run back into my room just now when he expressed his negative judgment towards my comments. I remember myself doing that many a times before this as an action to run away but I have now changed... I went back to my room to reflect on this, remember all the feelings it evokes in me and my ego. Love, I know you are worried about him: you are worried that I will change and improve every time I reflect and learn from myself and my feelings... yet will he improve on himself? will he see and rise above himself? God am I expecting too much of myself and others around me? Am I being as stupid and irrorant as those who I may regard as not enlighted or awaken? Or worse, I am even errogant?? (now that's very problematic!! more so than those who are just asleep!!)
Friday, August 8, 2008
Olypmics at Beljing
I was overwhelmed by emotions when I saw Natalie Du Toit leading the way for the South African Team at the 29th Olympics in Beljing today.
She is a real inspiration for everybody, abled and disabled; young and old. And to think I had the pleasure of knowing her as a fellow classmate was unbelievable for me. It is sad that it seems like we have lost contact as soon as she left my school for another high school. In the process she lost a leg yet gained so much more (at least that's what it seems to be).
I take my hat off for you Natalie!! Go Natalie, I am confident in you and am crossing my fingers that you will win a Gold Medal in this Olympics!!!
She is a real inspiration for everybody, abled and disabled; young and old. And to think I had the pleasure of knowing her as a fellow classmate was unbelievable for me. It is sad that it seems like we have lost contact as soon as she left my school for another high school. In the process she lost a leg yet gained so much more (at least that's what it seems to be).
I take my hat off for you Natalie!! Go Natalie, I am confident in you and am crossing my fingers that you will win a Gold Medal in this Olympics!!!
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
I call upon you for strength!! My teacher my patient
Hellooo Mr MN
Today I call upon you for strength, my teacher... my patient. We worked together for 2 months fighting every moment of the remaining time of your life in the ward. I can never forget you.
As I am about to go for an interview to be a surgical OT at a very exciting setting tomorow, I cannot help it but to think of you because the nature of my work there would be similar to what I did with you. So I call upon you for strength and wisdoms. That so I may answer wisely and truely to the fullest of my abilities. And to apply what I have learnt from working with you in my answers tomorow.
It is not an easy area (or the most natural perhaps) for me to work as an OT in a surgical setting but I like it. I think I like the challenge of struggling with what I do not know how to do or handle even through I stress and scream and cry about it all the time. But I smile when I have achieve it and earn that knowledge. And I like it more now because of you, because of what you had taught me...those most valuable lessons of life as a person and as a therapist.
So give me the strength to be me as a therapist, may I be ever true to myself in my personal and professional life. Wish me luck for tomorow!!
Today I call upon you for strength, my teacher... my patient. We worked together for 2 months fighting every moment of the remaining time of your life in the ward. I can never forget you.
As I am about to go for an interview to be a surgical OT at a very exciting setting tomorow, I cannot help it but to think of you because the nature of my work there would be similar to what I did with you. So I call upon you for strength and wisdoms. That so I may answer wisely and truely to the fullest of my abilities. And to apply what I have learnt from working with you in my answers tomorow.
It is not an easy area (or the most natural perhaps) for me to work as an OT in a surgical setting but I like it. I think I like the challenge of struggling with what I do not know how to do or handle even through I stress and scream and cry about it all the time. But I smile when I have achieve it and earn that knowledge. And I like it more now because of you, because of what you had taught me...those most valuable lessons of life as a person and as a therapist.
So give me the strength to be me as a therapist, may I be ever true to myself in my personal and professional life. Wish me luck for tomorow!!
Friday, August 1, 2008
How to be a mindful activist with and for people with disability?
31.7.08
How to be a mindful activist with and for people with disability?
This is the question that is biggest for me having gone through both exciting and stimulating lectures of rehabilitation and health economics & management. I felt that there were two very somewhat contrasting message stemming from each of them. From rehab, it is “we must fight for the rights of people with disabilities through activism” while in management; it is “be understanding and mindful in your own position (we were talking about being a manager)”. These two voices had been fighting in my mind, to be an activist or to be a mindful therapist; my answer is to be a mindful activist (perhaps cos’ I like to be as compassing as possible of everything and everyone).
I don’t have an answer to this question and I don’t except to have an answer ever. The only hope I have is to have sound multiple guess at what the answer may be in my life.
I find it difficult in knowing there is a call for therapist to be more an advocate and more an activist but are we equip to be one and should all therapists become activists? Then who will do the therapy?
How to be a mindful activist with and for people with disability?
This is the question that is biggest for me having gone through both exciting and stimulating lectures of rehabilitation and health economics & management. I felt that there were two very somewhat contrasting message stemming from each of them. From rehab, it is “we must fight for the rights of people with disabilities through activism” while in management; it is “be understanding and mindful in your own position (we were talking about being a manager)”. These two voices had been fighting in my mind, to be an activist or to be a mindful therapist; my answer is to be a mindful activist (perhaps cos’ I like to be as compassing as possible of everything and everyone).
I don’t have an answer to this question and I don’t except to have an answer ever. The only hope I have is to have sound multiple guess at what the answer may be in my life.
I find it difficult in knowing there is a call for therapist to be more an advocate and more an activist but are we equip to be one and should all therapists become activists? Then who will do the therapy?
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