I have recently ran into office politics trouble with physio’s in my hospital where Im working for community service. The incidence is as follows:
A friend of mine (a dietitian) who works in my ward has verbally mentioned that a patient needed seeing by me (an OT) due to a certain reason about a week ago while I was very busy covering for other OTs on holiday. So I eventually got to the patient, while being absolutely shocked about her not being seen by any OT, PT or ST on day 9 that she has been in the ward (which she needs all); I went on a bit of a panic mode & started writing referrals for the professionals needs to be involved in her case (thinking that well if the doctor hasn’t referred to me, gosh I doubt he/she would have for PT or ST). As the PT walked into the ward, I got this comment when I passed her the form: “oh, so now you are also doing referrals?” That was the end of the incident.
I was confused, bit upset but also felt bad on hindsight that the PT must have been so upset about anybody else “bossing” them around except the universally acceptable doctor. Maybe esp the OT who is a “luxury” in the team in lots of others eyes. I wanted to even say sorry to her cos’ I can see her side of the story in my mind, but I really changed my mind about apologizing after today’s meeting about this “compliant” with my duty head of department and supervisor…….
On Friday, my supervisor said she needs to see me on Monday rather urgently. So I spent my whole weekend wondering what it is all about and wondering if I have gotten into trouble somehow. When she said “we need to wait for Rose (the deputy head) for the meeting”, I knew I was in trouble but I just didn’t know what it was and how big was it. The conservation went on something like this:
“We have received a compliant from physio about…”
“Oh, the physio; I think I know what is this one all about…”
“What do you think it is?”
“Well… (explaining the whole incident without really making any excuse or trying to explain cos’ I do not believe it even trying to say why I did what)…”
“She was just not happy with the way she was handled… I know nobody has ever told you that but perhaps you could have done it differently.” And it went on…… When Rose asked me about something else completely different to the topic, I just started to cry. They kept quiet, and I just did not have any other way/language of expressing my voicelessness in this situation. In my heart, I know that no amount of explaining or making excuse is going to put them on my side so I did not. God, I felt so powerless; it was like crying was my only way of protesting against others who think I was wrong…. I could not speak cos’ words would not be heard, I could only cry and to cry to express the frustration and pain in my heart for doing what I believed was not wrong to do and being told off it.
God, what have I done? What have I done, let me think. I paniced and I was so concerned about the patient involved, I was prepared to fuck the office politics to want this patient to get help! I perhaps had forsaken harmony and good relationship between the professionals for ethical responsibilities for the care of the patient involved (or at least so I thought). I tried what I know and what my eyes has witness to work in this 3 past months with the STs. I was trying to save people’s time by making sure all the patient’s details are clearly written in the referral form and have to sign it as it asked for a signature (and I cannot be a coward that cannot take responsibility for writing the form!). And so I signed it myself, damn it!! God, why do I have to fight my own team to do good and to care? Why does this office politics has to get in the way? Everyone wants to be the nice guy and is good with people, who is concern about the work being done?! Other professionals do not let OTs step on them, but when others steps on OTs, we moan and bitch and that’s it!!! I do not and will not be a powerless little OT, who is a nobody of too much importance in the team!!!! I believed in a lot of what Maddie has taught me, be proactive and do not be afraid of upsetting a few people if what you are doing is ethical, is the right thing to do!
God, I know that the way I did it was perhaps not the best option but why do I have to be the one that is spoken to like a naughty dog being told off for stealing a juicy piece of sausage off the dinning table? Am I the only person in the wrong in this case? Is there anybody out there that can help me get the objective answer? God, I am not afraid of conflicting with others. There is nobody else but my parents that can make me yield for harmony (do all I can to not upset them). God I feel really odd, stupid and alone in this unfriendly world. Why do I have to think so differently from others? Why do I have to think so differently? Can cultural difference be an excuse? No, it is not good enough for me to be a valid reason!!! But I just don’t know why it is that I think so “laterally”… Most of the time, I get laugh at for thinking so “laterally” but this time I got into trouble… I got gunned down at the cross fire of office politics. I went into the health profession for this very reason, I thought people would at least put people first before these dirty silly politics but it looks like a NO to me!
This is a song that describe my feelings right now…
Welcome to my life by Simple plan:
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
I write about this because writing is a way that I have found a voice even while being oppressed. I write about this cos’ I want myself to remember it, reflect from it and gain from it what I can fuse with my existing knowledge. But most important, I want to remind myself that there will always be people who will try to straighten me back into streamline. I want myself to remember that although being me sometimes run me into trouble, BUT I LOVE MYSELF FOR BEING DIFFERENT AND FOR BEING ME!!!
Concluding options:
1) Become a doctor myself so that I do not need to be the powerless one, although I swear I will try my best to not abuse the power I would have.
2) Go out of the health field altogether cos’ im sick of being pushed around.
3) Swear not to work in hospitals ever again to avoid this.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Monday, March 5, 2007
a work situation that I would like myself to remember always
Last week, while the OT in charge of the paeds was on holiday; I took care of 3 patients in one of her wards for her. There were a mother & child pair which is the main characters of this story.
I started my week with them building trust, discussing what is difficult for being a 20 year old mum while studying Gr. 9 without the father of the child and having had a stroke and then I went onto practising ways of making life easier with the mum for them both. Suddenly, when I arrived the next day; I saw the mum crying and holding onto her equally crying baby tightly in her arms while surrounded by aggressive looking doctor and nurses who were trying to convience her to stay and go to the hospice for RVD rx for the baby. The mum's will was strong with regards to going home going hospice is a place to die & the baby hasn't improved in 4mths which earned her the comments of a doctor to say "she's killing her baby and she is a bad mum" and "by law, we should actually take the baby away from her".
For God's sake, why did you make that comment, Dr. "I know what's best"?! How dare you judge the mum for her decision?! How dare you for wanting to kill her self esteem and strip her of her identity of being a mum?! You are white and male and young, WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU KNOW BETTER THAN SHE DOES ABOUT BEING THIS BABY GIRL'S MUM??? I know the law you are talking about and it is about child abuse and neglect. I do not believe that being by the baby's side for 8 months and had to quit school for it is an action from a child abuser or neglector?! You are killing the baby by stabbing her mum. Not to forget that the baby is at stage 4 in RVD and is dying anyways.., do you smile to see that this poor baby girl is to die in some cold lonely uncomfortable and unloved corner of a children's hospice/home cos' you think she does not have a mum that fits to be her mum? How cruel is it to seperate mum and child? How cruel is it to want the kid to die unsurrounded by love and loved ones? How dare you not to consider the social stimga and pressure she and her family is facing which leads to her choice?! How dare you for stabbing a bleeding heart? This mum had fought so long and so hard for her child, she may be young but she is a loving mum! God, am I the only person here in the team who believes in her (and in fact knew least about her)?
God, I am upset about this and my heart is still bleeding for this pair. It is unlikely I will see them again cos' they are far into the development of their illnesses. God, teach me how to deal with this? How to do something about this injustice? No amount of apology will ever heal the 20 year old mum's heart. She has been trying so hard yet she was not good enough in some morron's eyes. IT is like getting snapped on your face and getting told you are a born failure and you will never be amount to anything.
What am I to do? So many collague had heard my story and then moved on, is there nobody who will be prepared to do anything about it? I want to give that morron a wake up call!!! Life is not always about the length of it but the width (the quality of life)! We do not have the power to decide who lives and for how long does someone live but we certainly can contribute towards a better/more comfortable stay on earth for their time left. Why do you have to shut the door by deciding so early about how gd/bad a person is? How do you expect her to want to ask u for help if you just push her away like this?
God, help me please!! help me to live past this one event in my professional career. I know how this will always stay in my mind and how this will always remain a sad event for me. God help me to stop this injustise!!
I started my week with them building trust, discussing what is difficult for being a 20 year old mum while studying Gr. 9 without the father of the child and having had a stroke and then I went onto practising ways of making life easier with the mum for them both. Suddenly, when I arrived the next day; I saw the mum crying and holding onto her equally crying baby tightly in her arms while surrounded by aggressive looking doctor and nurses who were trying to convience her to stay and go to the hospice for RVD rx for the baby. The mum's will was strong with regards to going home going hospice is a place to die & the baby hasn't improved in 4mths which earned her the comments of a doctor to say "she's killing her baby and she is a bad mum" and "by law, we should actually take the baby away from her".
For God's sake, why did you make that comment, Dr. "I know what's best"?! How dare you judge the mum for her decision?! How dare you for wanting to kill her self esteem and strip her of her identity of being a mum?! You are white and male and young, WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU KNOW BETTER THAN SHE DOES ABOUT BEING THIS BABY GIRL'S MUM??? I know the law you are talking about and it is about child abuse and neglect. I do not believe that being by the baby's side for 8 months and had to quit school for it is an action from a child abuser or neglector?! You are killing the baby by stabbing her mum. Not to forget that the baby is at stage 4 in RVD and is dying anyways.., do you smile to see that this poor baby girl is to die in some cold lonely uncomfortable and unloved corner of a children's hospice/home cos' you think she does not have a mum that fits to be her mum? How cruel is it to seperate mum and child? How cruel is it to want the kid to die unsurrounded by love and loved ones? How dare you not to consider the social stimga and pressure she and her family is facing which leads to her choice?! How dare you for stabbing a bleeding heart? This mum had fought so long and so hard for her child, she may be young but she is a loving mum! God, am I the only person here in the team who believes in her (and in fact knew least about her)?
God, I am upset about this and my heart is still bleeding for this pair. It is unlikely I will see them again cos' they are far into the development of their illnesses. God, teach me how to deal with this? How to do something about this injustice? No amount of apology will ever heal the 20 year old mum's heart. She has been trying so hard yet she was not good enough in some morron's eyes. IT is like getting snapped on your face and getting told you are a born failure and you will never be amount to anything.
What am I to do? So many collague had heard my story and then moved on, is there nobody who will be prepared to do anything about it? I want to give that morron a wake up call!!! Life is not always about the length of it but the width (the quality of life)! We do not have the power to decide who lives and for how long does someone live but we certainly can contribute towards a better/more comfortable stay on earth for their time left. Why do you have to shut the door by deciding so early about how gd/bad a person is? How do you expect her to want to ask u for help if you just push her away like this?
God, help me please!! help me to live past this one event in my professional career. I know how this will always stay in my mind and how this will always remain a sad event for me. God help me to stop this injustise!!
The secret is out!
So the secret is out, apparently the community claims that they know that I have been dating a white guy for a long time. And on top of that, it is congrat as a great move to compensate for my "chinese-english" (chinese style english, i.e. as in your english is not good enough) by a certain arrgonant ex-university goer ("Mr. Z") in the community.
God, I think; I have the right to feel anger, is that correct and ok with You? I wanted to scream "f*** off, it is none of your S***'s business!!!!" What is with you guys? I know, for a long time; society does not allow people to step out of their line easily and I know I have been doing just it all along in all these years. And I know, one day; the "punishment" will come in forms of nasty comments like this. God, please teach me how to walk on waters and not sink cos' they are trying to push me down!! I am trying to get a hold on myself so i dont drown in their saliva. Although, on the other hand; I am amazed at the creativity in making the connections between all my actions in a way that I cannot even imagine myself and of course never thought of.
Let me ask my infamous question again: "why is there so little love in the world that it doesn't go round???" Why the criticism and why the shoulder and nasty voice?? Am I a sore in your eyes so much that you feel a certain irritation which is the cause of your nastiness? God, why are you sending me to find an answer to this impossible question? The interesting thing was that I was just exactly scared of myself becoming like Mr. Z over the weekend. I know I have made comments about the "other part of society", "those bunch" etc. I would like to hereby make myself remember this, remember this arrogances and avoid it!
Mr. Z has always displayed unwelcomed criticism of others and send off the signals that others are not on his level(of education, i guess in his case). It is so easy to do exactly what Mr. Z is doing, cos' we can. Cos' we are "highly educated" and "more intelligent" or "morally more correct" and better than "those natives/less civialised". I do understand that in his days, going to university is rare and it puts you on a pretty throne if you went to it. Like I said to my mum, "well, I guess everyone has the right to be proud of their own achievements, but over-proudness is a personally choice. It is up to the one possessing the power/knowledge to decide how proud they want themselves to be with their achievements and we can do nothing but respects it as much as we humanily possibly can". However, I do condemn being so proud of yourself that you think the whole worlds are full of stupid people. If you are happy with yourself, God knows my heart that I am happy for you too. But if you are so happy with yourself that you think I am not as good as you are then I am sorry to say that I cannot deal with you. WHAT AN ARROGANT PRICK is this to think I date a white guy to compensate for my poor english?!!?! I find this way of equaling my love life with my level of english really odd. Esp. the laughable thing is that my level of ability to write these letters that he is basing his measurements are much higher than many youngsters that I know. And besides, what is wrong with it?? As long as I get my point across and it is working for me, how dare you to JUDGE me?
This is where I fear no death, cos' I believe in God for this one... I believe God would judge me fairly and I have got nothing to be ashammed of. How dare you Mr. Z for judging me like that?! How dare you community for trying to punish me for being myself and that happens to be different from the majority of you??! What is wrong in your eyes that I love to live my life the way I live it and yet I am helping others in my daily life not harming anybody?
God, this is going to take me awhile to calm down again about... cos' this is not right!!! How dare they to judge me and they themselves are not perfect!
God, I think; I have the right to feel anger, is that correct and ok with You? I wanted to scream "f*** off, it is none of your S***'s business!!!!" What is with you guys? I know, for a long time; society does not allow people to step out of their line easily and I know I have been doing just it all along in all these years. And I know, one day; the "punishment" will come in forms of nasty comments like this. God, please teach me how to walk on waters and not sink cos' they are trying to push me down!! I am trying to get a hold on myself so i dont drown in their saliva. Although, on the other hand; I am amazed at the creativity in making the connections between all my actions in a way that I cannot even imagine myself and of course never thought of.
Let me ask my infamous question again: "why is there so little love in the world that it doesn't go round???" Why the criticism and why the shoulder and nasty voice?? Am I a sore in your eyes so much that you feel a certain irritation which is the cause of your nastiness? God, why are you sending me to find an answer to this impossible question? The interesting thing was that I was just exactly scared of myself becoming like Mr. Z over the weekend. I know I have made comments about the "other part of society", "those bunch" etc. I would like to hereby make myself remember this, remember this arrogances and avoid it!
Mr. Z has always displayed unwelcomed criticism of others and send off the signals that others are not on his level(of education, i guess in his case). It is so easy to do exactly what Mr. Z is doing, cos' we can. Cos' we are "highly educated" and "more intelligent" or "morally more correct" and better than "those natives/less civialised". I do understand that in his days, going to university is rare and it puts you on a pretty throne if you went to it. Like I said to my mum, "well, I guess everyone has the right to be proud of their own achievements, but over-proudness is a personally choice. It is up to the one possessing the power/knowledge to decide how proud they want themselves to be with their achievements and we can do nothing but respects it as much as we humanily possibly can". However, I do condemn being so proud of yourself that you think the whole worlds are full of stupid people. If you are happy with yourself, God knows my heart that I am happy for you too. But if you are so happy with yourself that you think I am not as good as you are then I am sorry to say that I cannot deal with you. WHAT AN ARROGANT PRICK is this to think I date a white guy to compensate for my poor english?!!?! I find this way of equaling my love life with my level of english really odd. Esp. the laughable thing is that my level of ability to write these letters that he is basing his measurements are much higher than many youngsters that I know. And besides, what is wrong with it?? As long as I get my point across and it is working for me, how dare you to JUDGE me?
This is where I fear no death, cos' I believe in God for this one... I believe God would judge me fairly and I have got nothing to be ashammed of. How dare you Mr. Z for judging me like that?! How dare you community for trying to punish me for being myself and that happens to be different from the majority of you??! What is wrong in your eyes that I love to live my life the way I live it and yet I am helping others in my daily life not harming anybody?
God, this is going to take me awhile to calm down again about... cos' this is not right!!! How dare they to judge me and they themselves are not perfect!
Friday, February 23, 2007
Being Different
We have just had a house warming party at our house in Witbank last Wednesday, and I remember feeling how different I feel from some of the other people that were present there at my party. There is this one group who gotten themselve rather drunk and vague. From seeing that in front of my eyes, suddenly I sense my mind froozed and took a snap shoot of the scene in front of my eyes and I began to examine inwards on this question I have always struggled with: "why can I never fit in with others? Why do I have to feel the emptyiness inside me when I watch them having drunken fun despite that I never had wanted to have such kind of fun under influrence anyways?"
I remembered myself saying to myself "this year, 2007; I want to meet more people, have somemore fun cos' I am not at home and mix with people whom I dont necessarily think they are my type of friends potentials". But this froozen snap shoot in my brain is protesting against my wish to meet people and some wild fun. It is in fact telling me the following after reflection:
1) There are so so many kinds of people in the world, and I cannot like them all.
2) I acknowledged that "yes, I wanted it" but it really isn't what I needed. I am just not the kind of people that is able to allow myself to be totally drunk in others' party, make a fool of myself and call that FUN! I am unable to allow myself, additionaly I do not rely on that to have fun.
3) It has been very hard to be so different to others around me throughout my life and some of the times I really wanted just to fit in rather than put up a fight. But it is seeing these bunch that symbolise the kind of people that makes me feel gulity for being different finally allows me to be at peace and say to myself "well, it is okay that I am different; I am in fact glad that I am not the same as they are."
In a way, I know I felt their emptyiness and was sad for them; but on personally level, I am relieved and glad that I am not like them. My life journey is no longer about trying to have their kind of fun and be like them, however from hereon, it will be about to accept and love my own uniqueness more than I had ever before.
Let me come to terms with myself and the person I am, that there is only one me in this world. I am not unique for no reason!!
I remembered myself saying to myself "this year, 2007; I want to meet more people, have somemore fun cos' I am not at home and mix with people whom I dont necessarily think they are my type of friends potentials". But this froozen snap shoot in my brain is protesting against my wish to meet people and some wild fun. It is in fact telling me the following after reflection:
1) There are so so many kinds of people in the world, and I cannot like them all.
2) I acknowledged that "yes, I wanted it" but it really isn't what I needed. I am just not the kind of people that is able to allow myself to be totally drunk in others' party, make a fool of myself and call that FUN! I am unable to allow myself, additionaly I do not rely on that to have fun.
3) It has been very hard to be so different to others around me throughout my life and some of the times I really wanted just to fit in rather than put up a fight. But it is seeing these bunch that symbolise the kind of people that makes me feel gulity for being different finally allows me to be at peace and say to myself "well, it is okay that I am different; I am in fact glad that I am not the same as they are."
In a way, I know I felt their emptyiness and was sad for them; but on personally level, I am relieved and glad that I am not like them. My life journey is no longer about trying to have their kind of fun and be like them, however from hereon, it will be about to accept and love my own uniqueness more than I had ever before.
Let me come to terms with myself and the person I am, that there is only one me in this world. I am not unique for no reason!!
Saturday, February 17, 2007
My work at work
Working in a medical ward
It has been really depressing to see the amounts of RVDs in the ward, just about everyone has it. And having it makes life much harder; they get illnesses they are not suppose to and present in a funny unusual way. And as a health professional, I felt helpless as I am unable to help, to improve the person's health. Yes I know I am not a doctor and it is hence not my job to fight with Death. However, it is my responsibility and what I find meaning in..is to bring meaning, hope and joy in people's lives. The enemy I fight is not Death, but fear and despairs. They are harder enemies to fight than one can possibly imagine. Someone could be living died (emotionally numb) but when u die, u die..that's the end of battle. How can I possibly steal hope, meaning and joy from fear and despair when they are so powerful?
I know I havent really been writing about this, but it is tough to be health professional. it is tough and I would say it again; I have watched so many people dead and dying. I have to ask myself, is this normal for a sure to be 23 years old?
All I can say is that it is very tough at the moment, watching people losing their battle before the end of it. You can just sense it in their dim and dull eyes that asks " what future do I have?" and "who are you to stop me from dying, do I not even have the choice to die?"
It has been really depressing to see the amounts of RVDs in the ward, just about everyone has it. And having it makes life much harder; they get illnesses they are not suppose to and present in a funny unusual way. And as a health professional, I felt helpless as I am unable to help, to improve the person's health. Yes I know I am not a doctor and it is hence not my job to fight with Death. However, it is my responsibility and what I find meaning in..is to bring meaning, hope and joy in people's lives. The enemy I fight is not Death, but fear and despairs. They are harder enemies to fight than one can possibly imagine. Someone could be living died (emotionally numb) but when u die, u die..that's the end of battle. How can I possibly steal hope, meaning and joy from fear and despair when they are so powerful?
I know I havent really been writing about this, but it is tough to be health professional. it is tough and I would say it again; I have watched so many people dead and dying. I have to ask myself, is this normal for a sure to be 23 years old?
All I can say is that it is very tough at the moment, watching people losing their battle before the end of it. You can just sense it in their dim and dull eyes that asks " what future do I have?" and "who are you to stop me from dying, do I not even have the choice to die?"
Beauty..what beauty/uglyiness??
I was watching "Shall we Dance" the movie (starring J-Lo and Richard Gear) and really loved it the way dancing is so wonderful and beautiful. I really think I want to do ballroom sometime; I have been hoping to do it with someone I love. However, I am not sure if the someone I love would like dancing.
He mentioned about how competition removes the beautiful of dancing from it, I began to wonder if it does remove it. It still looked amazing to me, the moves and the people and their clothes. Besides, who decide what is beauty anyways? Isnt that just another set of rules to say if this is the right way to do something or wrong way to do something??? At this point, this was where I wondered further...DOESNT THE WORLD HAVE SPACE FOR "UGLY" THINGS ANYMORE? Why shouldn't uglyiness and beauty be treated equally? What is wrong with uglyiness, is it evil? I laugh at it as I remember a poem by William Blake as follows:
TIGER, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?
And what shoulder and what art
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand and what dread feet?
What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? What dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
When the stars threw down their spears,
And water'd heaven with their tears,
Did He smile His work to see?
Did He who made the lamb make thee?
Tiger, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
Note, to not give uglyiness space in the world because it is not beautiful; to me, it is the same as to asking God "how can you make the tiger while you make some gentle animal like the lambs" in Blake's Poem. Does God ever answer this question, the answer is NO! (well that is at least I haven't heard the answer). But I "see" God's point in not answering Blake's question, because God preaches unconditional love...no matter how good or evil and no matter how beautiful or ugly. Let's have a look at 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, as follows:
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
So, beauty??? Who's beauty??? What do this "who" think beauty is? I have always oh so struggle with morality, who's idea of rights and wrongs is it? I somehow believes there is never right and wrong but inappropriate things to have been done at the time. There is no absolute or certainity, that's what I want to tell you all (and yes I know, most people who has a religion will want to kill me on this one cos' their religions have rights and wrongs/good and evils!! I feel kind of sad for myself, feel real hollow inside cos' I dont think the world has space for me and my ideas either. I guess I am far too frightening and dangerous.
In the end, I can only pull out my ironic smile again and agrees...donomite does indeed comes in small packages.
He mentioned about how competition removes the beautiful of dancing from it, I began to wonder if it does remove it. It still looked amazing to me, the moves and the people and their clothes. Besides, who decide what is beauty anyways? Isnt that just another set of rules to say if this is the right way to do something or wrong way to do something??? At this point, this was where I wondered further...DOESNT THE WORLD HAVE SPACE FOR "UGLY" THINGS ANYMORE? Why shouldn't uglyiness and beauty be treated equally? What is wrong with uglyiness, is it evil? I laugh at it as I remember a poem by William Blake as follows:
TIGER, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?
And what shoulder and what art
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand and what dread feet?
What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? What dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
When the stars threw down their spears,
And water'd heaven with their tears,
Did He smile His work to see?
Did He who made the lamb make thee?
Tiger, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
Note, to not give uglyiness space in the world because it is not beautiful; to me, it is the same as to asking God "how can you make the tiger while you make some gentle animal like the lambs" in Blake's Poem. Does God ever answer this question, the answer is NO! (well that is at least I haven't heard the answer). But I "see" God's point in not answering Blake's question, because God preaches unconditional love...no matter how good or evil and no matter how beautiful or ugly. Let's have a look at 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, as follows:
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
So, beauty??? Who's beauty??? What do this "who" think beauty is? I have always oh so struggle with morality, who's idea of rights and wrongs is it? I somehow believes there is never right and wrong but inappropriate things to have been done at the time. There is no absolute or certainity, that's what I want to tell you all (and yes I know, most people who has a religion will want to kill me on this one cos' their religions have rights and wrongs/good and evils!! I feel kind of sad for myself, feel real hollow inside cos' I dont think the world has space for me and my ideas either. I guess I am far too frightening and dangerous.
In the end, I can only pull out my ironic smile again and agrees...donomite does indeed comes in small packages.
Friday, January 12, 2007
"The Queen"
I went and watch a movie on the Queen Elizabeth of England recently and found it interesting.
I wondered if the movie was about the queen or more about Dianna, it shown the queen's action towards Dianna's death. What she struggled with and what she did or didn't do. The one scene that I felt signifiant was the scene were the Queen's 4x4 broke down in the river where she saw a beautiful animal and she cried. The scene began with her crying with her back to the carmea. At that moment, the Queen (her highness) seem not so "high" anymore but instead I saw a human being that had just came out of the "shock" stage of some psychologist's stages of grief. She was a human being and I saw myself in her. The parallel that lies between us were how strong we seem to others and how we grew up being taught to keep our emotions to ourselves (Never show any emotions to anyone cos' you do not know who will be your enemies tomorrow). We have left no space for ourselves to grief or to think for ourselves (well, I suppose she has a tougher job than me being the queen compare to being a therapist). But I felt that was me as well, sitting there crying when I (her) after just kept going and going; had finally come to a stand still and the sorrows crawls in through all the gaps in my heart and overflows it with the saddness.
The other scene that I found particular spoke to me was when she met the body of that beautiful animal again when it was shot by someone. For some in the audience, it might have seem to have shown stupidity and stubborness in the Queen (in the fact that she was able to grief more openly for an animal but not Dianna), but for me I saw something else in her, in society and in people the public.
In the queen, I saw everybody in the world. The stupidity is in fact, everybody would do exactly the same as the queen had... Able to feel (or examine) anyone who didnt really matter to you so objectively, but as soon as it comes to someone very very close to yourself (esp. family); somethings get in the way (you dont want to feel sorry anymore or able to be objectively any longer).
Being the Queen must be an unimaginable hard job to have, it may or may not be something you want to do but you have to. There woudl be hard times, good times and times you get suprised. This is so much similar to what I expect to happen in my own life; the same old there will be bad times, good times and times where I get suprised. There will be things in life you dont want to do but have do. What the movie reminded of is, whatever you do or face; do it or face it with a smile!!! Remember how someone out there, really has a tougher job than yourself no matter how glamourous it may have look to you and that even the high up and the important also has their humanity... including the weakness, yup; all of it!
I wondered if the movie was about the queen or more about Dianna, it shown the queen's action towards Dianna's death. What she struggled with and what she did or didn't do. The one scene that I felt signifiant was the scene were the Queen's 4x4 broke down in the river where she saw a beautiful animal and she cried. The scene began with her crying with her back to the carmea. At that moment, the Queen (her highness) seem not so "high" anymore but instead I saw a human being that had just came out of the "shock" stage of some psychologist's stages of grief. She was a human being and I saw myself in her. The parallel that lies between us were how strong we seem to others and how we grew up being taught to keep our emotions to ourselves (Never show any emotions to anyone cos' you do not know who will be your enemies tomorrow). We have left no space for ourselves to grief or to think for ourselves (well, I suppose she has a tougher job than me being the queen compare to being a therapist). But I felt that was me as well, sitting there crying when I (her) after just kept going and going; had finally come to a stand still and the sorrows crawls in through all the gaps in my heart and overflows it with the saddness.
The other scene that I found particular spoke to me was when she met the body of that beautiful animal again when it was shot by someone. For some in the audience, it might have seem to have shown stupidity and stubborness in the Queen (in the fact that she was able to grief more openly for an animal but not Dianna), but for me I saw something else in her, in society and in people the public.
In the queen, I saw everybody in the world. The stupidity is in fact, everybody would do exactly the same as the queen had... Able to feel (or examine) anyone who didnt really matter to you so objectively, but as soon as it comes to someone very very close to yourself (esp. family); somethings get in the way (you dont want to feel sorry anymore or able to be objectively any longer).
Being the Queen must be an unimaginable hard job to have, it may or may not be something you want to do but you have to. There woudl be hard times, good times and times you get suprised. This is so much similar to what I expect to happen in my own life; the same old there will be bad times, good times and times where I get suprised. There will be things in life you dont want to do but have do. What the movie reminded of is, whatever you do or face; do it or face it with a smile!!! Remember how someone out there, really has a tougher job than yourself no matter how glamourous it may have look to you and that even the high up and the important also has their humanity... including the weakness, yup; all of it!
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