28.12.08 22.45

28.12.08 22.45

I sit here in my bed with my laptop on top of me after a very satisfying holiday at my love’s parents holiday cottage just an hour out of town but also remembering two members of the community who had recently passed away in a car accident on the 23rd Dec, 2008 around this time of the night.

I would like to spend a few moments of silence thinking of them and their lives as part of mine as I grew up since coming to this country where I am at now.





Sad, tragic, sudden, unfair etc are some of the words that came straight into my mind as I reflect on them. I have heard myself and others asking, “how could have this had happened to these two?”. Blaming was tried but it would never work for the driver was also a victim himself in their car who now has to shoulder the guilt and anger for the death of his mum and a family friend of his. Blaming the other driver, no it will not work either for we shall never know how and what really happened. Yes, maybe he drove too fast and maybe he was drank but people are gone and they are gone forever.

I am shocked and I do not want to believe this is it, I will never see them again since the last time one of them came to my engagement party in March 08. It was just the other day, my parents might have thought of bringing the invitation to my wedding around to them.

My mind is still saying…. “no, this can’t have happened; this cant be true. It can’t be them!!”. God, how do you want us to make sense of this all? Is there just one lesson in life to learn in here? The fact that there is (and never needed to have) a reason why bad things happens to good people, shit happens!! Being good does not mean you would be immune to bad things occurring to you or around you. God, this is a lesson I know you are trying to teach us but it is very hard for stupid human like me who is stubborn and rebellious – who want to fight this and want to fight fate and destiny as prescribed by you.

Let us remember these two members of the community. May them rest in peace and that they watch over the survivors of the accident so they may have a speedy recovery and that time may eventually heal this wound. Amen!

Grand Gift Exchange

Tonight, Aaron and I went through an important Chinese traditional wedding preparation ceremony called the Grand Gift Exchange. This ceremony symbolises the official engagement of a couple in my culture. This is also a signal for parents can start giving out the invitations for the wedding.

It was a very simple and informal ceremony in action. Aaron arrived with his godmother Sarah at 5pm today with beautifully packaged gifts in their hands for my family. And I, on the other hand, were to impressed my husband to be's family with lots of impressive cooking!! Luckily my mum had really helped me out:)

Through it is the prepartions that really took some time and effort to get done. There were a long list of everything that need to be bought in two's or four's symbolising mostly sweetness, togetherness forever, longitvity, prosperity, luck and weath.

It was a very very speical day:)

Started at VBH today

Gosh... I have started working again officially and ending my unemployment of 5 months & having turned down about 3 or 4 other offers before landing on this one.

Way to start a first day, a pt went completely naked (fortunately I wasn't right there inside where it was happening). Eiesh how lucky was I to already get this on a first day.

Discover I got 4 wards of 100 pts!!!! ahhh how the hell am I going to see all of them. I feel in demand and now I can sing Britney's song that goes "...you want a piece of me". God, help me to see all of them somehow!!

Challenges and opportunities, here I come!!!

Decisions decisions

Hi Blog

Now, I know the feeling of have something that you want and you have yet you cannot take.

It has been amazing that I have been offered so many different jobs in the last few months in different settings where OT may work. The latest is the one that I wanted the most. Yet I feel like I cannot take the offer seeing that I am afraid of the amount of work that will be involved concerning an area I know I suck at...

Sigh~~ I really do not know how this is going to work out. I just really need more leave than some of these people can give:( I understand them and their point of views but it remains a reality that I am needing more than what i am offered....

Someone help~~~~!!!!

Being the light and source of positive energy

Being the light and source of positive energy

I dont know why, but I feel the need and urge to remain positive and overly positive when someone around me is experiencing a downward trend in their lives around me.

Someone I know had received bad news about their health recently. While my whole family feel sad about it for this person, I try to instill hope. It feels like my responsibility to give that hope. I need to and want to give that hope... Perhaps it is because I don't want to feel the despair myself and let it drag me down, but I also want to be a source of positive energy for the negative situation so others may hold onto me for hope. This is not become I want to be desired for, but it is done in the sake of the person who received the bad news as others are bounded to act uncomfortably around him/her.

God, may I be the light and the source of hope for those who needs it. I questioned whether I did the right thing or not (the advices/the lack of it) that I gave. I do mental bargainning with God to give him/her a second chance. This person is much a honest human being with dignity, through he/she maybe silly and stubborn at times. This is a fine specimen of human being - does this individual not deserve a 2nd chance?

Is there really no room for negoiation at all, my God? I wish... I wish there is something we can do. What can I do to help?

From this story, I felt like I want to cry because I love life!! I value life!! I value the life of everyone and everything in the world... To know that a life may end in the visible future, it sadden me deeply.........................................................

feeling heavy and sad about my mark :)

Hi blog... Another down spiraling of life, I got a 48% from an assignment today back from class. It is a bit of an ouch.

It makes me feel heavy when I thought of it in relation to my current life. My first thought was 'gosh ok so I have to work harder at the next assignment'. This is crab when I think about my proposal that needs to be in 1st October, my next assignment, me supposively starting work on the 1st Oct and trying to sort out wedding/next year things on my own here while Aaron is overseas. I feel really alone with little help from others. This is a lonely battle that I am fighting......

It is disappointing to me as most of the people who knows me would know that I am highly competitive, hardworking, perfectionist and self critic. Even through I know that 48 is a number and is of no reflection of how competent or good I am really but it is still diappointing as it is frustrating for me to be unable to express myself. I have so much knowledge and ideas sitting in my head that I seem slow to act or unable to tell what I want to say.

One of my classmate was very nice, she noticed how disappointed I was and gave me a little chat and bought me tea to 'cheer me up'. I am grateful for her kindness however I only wish I can be less critical of myself. And this is something I know that will never be done unfortunately.

Sigh... Anita things takes time to come. Try to be patient~~ when are you going to learn that?

Back again in the spiral of fear and anxiety about unemployment

I am into my unemployment now for about 3.5months. I am feeling the anxiety about still yet to settle on a job. I was offered 2 in August which I turned down. I am sitting in the beginning of Sept, knowing I have done that right thing for myself yet still feel like a bit of an idiot.

Stress level is really just going up at this stage in the face of up and down's. I am feeling as if I was in a roller coaster going up and down and doing flips and flops@@.

Let's just hang on Anita, you can do this!! You are the most stubborn and determined person I have never knew, never give up is a phrase that is constantly kept being referred back to in your life. Never give up!! What is worth doing is never easy and nobody had ever promise life was going to be simple if you wanted excitement and challenges.

I know it doesn't have to be painful; but it certainly has to involve perseverances before whatever one may desire can be gained!! Like Churchhill said it, 'if you going through hell, keep going.'!!

Batman/the Joker.... The Dark Knight

I went to watch the much waved about movie: Batman, the dark knight in the cinema today. I found it a rather deep movie which left me with a sense of saddness and loneliness as it ended.

The batman and the joker are two side of the coin as seen in the alterned face of Harvey Dent. They are all in us. The good and the envy. Just like flipping a coin to make a decision; we behave like a hero or a villian just as randomly as that. But most of us are too afraid to flip that coin to be that hero or that villian in life!!

Those who are in power to do 'right' and the 'justice' possess the most power to abuse and be the villian. How complicated and ironic it is that all of them are in each and one of us.

When I saw Harvey Dent, Bruce Wayne and The cop chasing and fighting for justice; I ask myself how hard am I prepared to fight for justice and equity? Am I really prepared at all? Would I fight evil at all? I find it hard to do that automatic thing in saying 'sure yes of course I will fight it with everything I have got.'. I am afraid I am far more honest than that, I am far honest in doubting myself to fight for justice. If I fight, who's justice am I fight, is it for the justice of good or evil?

Good and evil are the shadow of one another, when one shines with the light the other hides. It seems a never ending losing battle fighting on either end of this all. Some what pointless......

Then I consider the two: Batman (Bruce Wayne) and Joker (with no name). Both have my pity as I felt their loneliness for fighting for their ideals and wanting the world to see itself the way they see it. Two lonely soul on an eternal battle and journey side by side together.

Never, one thing I didn't like was this: does evil has to be mad? I am the first to disagree!! Evil needs the coldest, calmest and intellengent soul to exercise it. Pure maddness would not do it! You think it has no rules? I dont think so either, there's at least two... 1) Break every rule and 2) get close enough to extinguish good but never do it as evil exist because of good and verse versa.

Farewell, Heath Ledger, the brilliant joker... You made it conviencing that evil has its own face. You made it conviencing to the world of your brillaint acting. I take my hat off for you!!

Brain dead... certified 13:44 due to over-exhaustion

I really feel like my whole body and my whole brain/head/mind/soul is just draggin on the floor there as I am trying to push myself forward to work. It's crazy how hard I am pushing myself, I feel like I am pushing myself over the cliff and is actively killing myself in this process.

So; so far I feel brain dead and feel like I am in a coma and doesn't want to move or do anything. I wonder if I can continue like this for another year at least. I had an extremely busy week with nothing planned on my timetable in my diary at all. 3 interviews, thesis proposal yet to be done (1st draft) and got yet another assignment due 2 weeks time.

GOD~~!@!#!$@!#$!@%!$# I just want to SCREA~~~~!!!! Arrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggg.....

Beep beep beep... I shall continue being in my coma until my brain want to work again.

Talk about romatics!!

A South African farmer decided to burn his proposal to his occupational therapist girlfriend on the field near his farm last weekend. I wonder what the carbon foot prints will be for burning so much plants, but hey; HOW ROMANTIC!! Eiesh, I am jealous in a sweet way:)

Thumbs up OTs!! We are the lucky girls:)

Watching for Natalie in Olympics 2008

Yesterday I couldn't sleep, today I woke up from my sleep to watch for my old friend. Through she's no where in the front at the momemnt in the race, but I have faith in her. I simply believes that she is a winner in her own right and yes I think and I believe she will win a medal from the race. I really think it is possible.

GO GO NATALIE!!!! SOUTH AFRICA IS BEHIND YOU:)

Tonight I couldnt sleep

I am feeling very sick from coughing and flu yet I lay awake and unable to sleep.

I was listening to some music and ended up missing my passed on relatives and started to cry. I know this is when I am stressed. I missed them and I start crying when I am in a very stressful situation.

This concerns me slightly as it's been so long yet it doesn't appear I have come to terms with it totally. And it is a sign of high intensity of stress symptoms for me. I just wonder how much longer do I want to drag them with me as a burden to us all. If I dont move on, it is hard for them to move on too cos' they would be worried about me. This is where I remembered one of my patients in coma who I really still believe he told me with his eyes the way he looked at me before he died..."I don't want to fight anymore, I want to go, let me go... I can't do this anymore and please accept this."

Love, I dont want to you continue with this burden. Please drop it here, right here and move on. I promise you that you will not forget them by dropping them off here. They are still with you even through you drop them off here! It's laughable how many times I tell others to let go and it is so hard to do it yourself!

So many times and so many people had told me to stop being so hard on yourself. I wish I can stop but I am like an addict to self critic, I wish I can stop and start looking at myself as equally and kindly as I look at others. For god's sake, you are not a saint so why are you expecting yourself to be one?!! How come everybody else can have reasons not to do stuff yet you will not let yourself to have any excuses at all? Please, you are only human and you know it!!

God, I dont hate myself. I love myself alot in fact but I am not easy to love. I am difficult, always competing for the best/perfection in my own sense and good is not good enough. I believe there's a life lesson to be learnt here and I hope to find it soon. Gd nite:)

Never give up even in the face of impossibility and difficulty

I know I must have been one of the easiest to end up in tears kind of person in the world (through to add, I use to suppress so much of it when I was in high school). Tears wanted to rush out of my eyes as I read about the above picture in the SingPao newspaper from HK today.

As you can see, there are a diversity of people of all background and health status getting married in this photo above. One thing is common is the joy and happiness that is evidenced in their smiles on their faces. I feel the true joy for them too!! As I read on the article, this is an organized event from a NGO in HK to help 19 couples with diverse impairments in celebrating their relationships. These couples did not have a chance to have a grand wedding earlier on in live due to varies reasons e.g. parents' objection, financial difficulties etc.

It gives me the courage to face my own difficulties that I am experiencing in life right now. What am I complaining about when I have all working limbs, mind and body?! I know it is tough with job choices/offers at the moment but it's not all that tough when we put ourselves in perspectives in comparisons to the hardship the above people have gone through.

As an occupational therapist, this is why I feel on top of the world joyful for these people getting the acknowledgment for their love and relationships!! I am truly happy for them and wishing them all the best in life in my heart!

I was never born therefore I will never die

Today I had an inspirational lecture with the business management and leadership lecturer as part of my courses. He said something very profound and interesting - 'I was never born therefore I will never die."

We were discussing about who is 'I'? When we say "I do this... or do that XYZ", who is this "I"? I am not my body as my body belongs to the 'I'. I am not my mind as 'I' can observe my mind. So who is this 'I'?......

As he spoke, I imagined a little dull and dark metal box within myself that contains a little bit of light which resides within my heart, my soul and my consciousness. This is me!! This is 'I'. I am the spirit that lives in my soul (the box) who controls my mind and body. The spirit is eternal and is not made up of the materials of this world yet my body is (it contains all the carbons, oxygens, etc that is the same in a tree or a dog) and my mind is full of thoughts of this world~!! Yet the 'I'..."me" is not of this world, I have always knew i don't belong here and I am a stranger away from 'home' on my 'body and mind' journeying through the world in my time (life).

The reason I am writing this right now is I felt angry with my brother who had a nasty comment on something I said. He was like on a reflex and 'judged' my comment immediately 1 sec after I said it. I suddenly remember what the lecuter said, if I am the spirit in my soul, why would this anger me and upset me? It's not hurting me, it's hurting my ego! It's like someone saying that you got an ugly car. Sure well it's not nice that you think my car is ugly but hey it's only my car... it's not going to hurt me, right?

God, it is hard for me to just 'passively reflect' on this and anything tony has to say negatively about me/the rest of my family. I tried and I will try again to just let it play out in my mind. When I tried just now, I saw a very angry brother of mine and the next image was him crying, frustrated and hurt bending down to hold himself. I suppose I can still get hated for being so 'on top of it all' and seemingly always happy and content - (may seem stressfree to him I guess).

God, I wanted to run back into my room just now when he expressed his negative judgment towards my comments. I remember myself doing that many a times before this as an action to run away but I have now changed... I went back to my room to reflect on this, remember all the feelings it evokes in me and my ego. Love, I know you are worried about him: you are worried that I will change and improve every time I reflect and learn from myself and my feelings... yet will he improve on himself? will he see and rise above himself? God am I expecting too much of myself and others around me? Am I being as stupid and irrorant as those who I may regard as not enlighted or awaken? Or worse, I am even errogant?? (now that's very problematic!! more so than those who are just asleep!!)

Olypmics at Beljing

I was overwhelmed by emotions when I saw Natalie Du Toit leading the way for the South African Team at the 29th Olympics in Beljing today.

She is a real inspiration for everybody, abled and disabled; young and old. And to think I had the pleasure of knowing her as a fellow classmate was unbelievable for me. It is sad that it seems like we have lost contact as soon as she left my school for another high school. In the process she lost a leg yet gained so much more (at least that's what it seems to be).

I take my hat off for you Natalie!! Go Natalie, I am confident in you and am crossing my fingers that you will win a Gold Medal in this Olympics!!!

I call upon you for strength!! My teacher my patient

Hellooo Mr MN

Today I call upon you for strength, my teacher... my patient. We worked together for 2 months fighting every moment of the remaining time of your life in the ward. I can never forget you.

As I am about to go for an interview to be a surgical OT at a very exciting setting tomorow, I cannot help it but to think of you because the nature of my work there would be similar to what I did with you. So I call upon you for strength and wisdoms. That so I may answer wisely and truely to the fullest of my abilities. And to apply what I have learnt from working with you in my answers tomorow.

It is not an easy area (or the most natural perhaps) for me to work as an OT in a surgical setting but I like it. I think I like the challenge of struggling with what I do not know how to do or handle even through I stress and scream and cry about it all the time. But I smile when I have achieve it and earn that knowledge. And I like it more now because of you, because of what you had taught me...those most valuable lessons of life as a person and as a therapist.

So give me the strength to be me as a therapist, may I be ever true to myself in my personal and professional life. Wish me luck for tomorow!!

How to be a mindful activist with and for people with disability?

31.7.08
How to be a mindful activist with and for people with disability?

This is the question that is biggest for me having gone through both exciting and stimulating lectures of rehabilitation and health economics & management. I felt that there were two very somewhat contrasting message stemming from each of them. From rehab, it is “we must fight for the rights of people with disabilities through activism” while in management; it is “be understanding and mindful in your own position (we were talking about being a manager)”. These two voices had been fighting in my mind, to be an activist or to be a mindful therapist; my answer is to be a mindful activist (perhaps cos’ I like to be as compassing as possible of everything and everyone).

I don’t have an answer to this question and I don’t except to have an answer ever. The only hope I have is to have sound multiple guess at what the answer may be in my life.

I find it difficult in knowing there is a call for therapist to be more an advocate and more an activist but are we equip to be one and should all therapists become activists? Then who will do the therapy?

There is this funny thing in the world called 'family'

One of the biggest realization from my trip to Hong Kong was about family and I have a lot of thoughts and reflections on it today.

'Family' are the closest strangers one will ever meet and be with in the world when one is born and come to this world. You have no choice in who they will be nor the fact that they are closely related to you - whether you like them or not. However, I am grateful for the creator (maybe it be Buddha or God or whoever else that I may not know) for making me a family of interesting individuals of which some are loving, warm, kind, caring while others are strange, rude, demanding and weird. Through so opposite, they all exist in one family; isn't this interesting don't you think?

I am someone who had been away from my hometown for 10 years until my recent visit; families are all I have got there even through not everybody is still alive that I knew as a child. Some had received me with great joy and love while others didn't seem to tell any difference whether I was there or not. This image warms my heart while it also breaks.

But God, I am determined to look on the bright side of every incidents that occur in my life. I am still grateful for those who love me after my 'disappearance' for 10 years, I have long to feel part of a bigger 'family' than my own immediate one. I think I now know what it means to be family. On the other hand, it is sad to see my invisibility to some part of my family. Gender inequality was rather clear and seemingly the social norm. The 'drumstick' phenomena hurts deeply as I understand the underneath meaning of the action. It is sort of a statement that says 'who cares if you are going to wed 'out' of the family soon and hasn't been around for 10 yrs, men are still more important' (even through they cause so much trouble and do so little while farting around). It also hurts when my offer of food (it's in Chinese culture for respect if done by a younger person to an older one or it represent love if it's the opposite) to a particular individual was rejected after much struggle within myself. Through I kept comforting myself tht I am proud of myself for stepping over my own limitation and boundaries; I know this is going to take a while for me to journey out of the pain it provokes in me.

God & Buddha, allow me to understand and be open hearted so that I may endure pain and suffering of the world brought upon me by myself or others directly or indirectly as well as intentionally or unintentionally. I ask that you will also give me the confident and strength to voice myself when it needs to be stopped and learn from all that I experience through life.

Lastly, thank you God & Buddha for my family; for both the loving ones and the not so understanding ones. At times they may seem demanding or challenging, but I trust that you have tasked me to face them all as learning and growing opportunities.

3 days in China

It had been a rather unsuprising visit to China this time after 10 years away from 'home'. We didn't get up to much in these 3 days, we skirted around the complex where all my relatives live in the same streets within it - so far I remembered, eating food, playing cards, chatting to cousins and the major event of going to visit my great grandmother and grandpa at their graves on a rainny day.

However, I think one can regard this as an occupational illness; I did a lot of observation and reflection of what I heard and observed. It saddens and frigthens me - some of these seemingly possibly normal imagine and reflection of normal every day society of china today.

1) you will hardly ever see any children in the streets playing together. Firstly, there just isn't enough of them around under the one child policy and secondly if they do exist; they are hidden at schools all day (until 6 pm or 10 pm at night). I wonder what can one learn within the walls of schools except academics for that long!! At some point I am sure the brain stop working. What kind of life is this at the most enegetic and exciting moments of youth?

The pressure to compete and do better than one's best takes children's breath away.
The mixture results?? In rebelious youth who will not listen to their parents or make any beneficial and responsibile decisions that is good for their own future. And yes, if they need/want to try out drugs, not go home and become part of a gang - so be it; that's the path they will follow. The society is ill and it is sick - who can be the doctor that maybe able to fix this?

2) relating to children, the attitude and interaction between adults and the perceived children also took me by suprise a little. Some parents 'love' their children too much (unable to disipline them) vs. others would chat with friends in resutrants completely ignoring the child who is desperately looking for affirmation and attention from her mother.

3) The wealth of the few and povetry of many hidden faces - the ugly face of materialism

It is suprisingly infrequent to see 'poor' faces in Shenzen even through I am sure of their existence. I somehow wonder about the voice they have in this society - probably not very loud I guess (well it's not like I can validify this with them seeing they are so hard to find). The amount of wealth the wealthy people have - from the clothes they wear, the designer shops they buy things from and the cars they drive. My only response... is silence.........

A day on the Peak of HK

Uncle Min, Mum, Tony & I had spent a day on the peak of hk. We visited the peak itself, taken photos of the view of hk central; saw waxed figures in the musesum there(some people look so real that it scared me a bit).

I felt I have eaten so much food that at the end of the evening (for the whole trip back in hk) that I want to quit eating for the next month....@@

Here's photos from the peak and the wax figures musemum on top of the peak

2.7.08 - a journey to the oldern days through modern times

Today we did a few admin stuff in the area where I grew up...

Through it seems so ordinary, it was very heart warming I thought.

First time we did was to go and visit the doctor that I used to visit twice a month for my weak lungs and nose. That doctor is so so great, I think he really is such a friendly and good doctor. No much thing as a status ego thing that some doctors have.

Secondly we went to a shop where my mum bought a watch for my dad as a kind of an engagement gift like 25 years ago; it made me even wanted to buy a watch from them too because of the shop's significant. :)

It was a remmencience day. It felt very good!

1.7.08: a day in Macau

1.7.08 a special festival in HK as it is the day that HK returned to China 11 years ago. And it is the first time that I am actually in HK when it is this time, however I have spent most of my day with my family in Macau for a one day tour......


A few of the very famous landmarks of Macau







These belongs to a old mansion of the Lu's family in Macau from the Ching Dynasty






These belongs to a street where they try to show the styles of the olden times of Macau as well as mixing a bit of a few famous buliding of the world:









View of Macau - the city











A look at the one million and one casino there exist is in Macau:

Didn't get up to much today 30.6.08

We didn't get up to alot today, we went to get my shoes which was so nice!! However we spent a lot of time looking at evening dresses (but wasn't happy with any) for me.

I only took one picture of a desert that four of us shared today as follows:


I didn't feel so well today, bit dizzy and hot. Hope I am not going down with something @@

Revisiting the graves of my relatives after 10 years

29.6.08


It was a rainy day today, which is kind of suitable for the mood I was in before I even got there. I found it the most strange that I was blinking tears as I participate in the preparing and yet when I was there: no tears came, I was brave and faced with the reality which felt so foreign
I found the preparation very interesting, it reflects so much about modern living (they sell paper mobile phones, electronic cards, hi-fi etc for burning to offer to the deceased) as well as about culture and the pscyhology of the living. I saw many of the items and papers had 'lucky' words written on it e.g. "turning luck for the better" "the higher spirit solving our suffering" and "wishing all to go smoothly and according to our wish".

Here's the stuff we bought in preparation:







Here's the view from the middle section before we reached where my deceased family was:






Here's some action of offering:






Stopping off at the Shatin's Inn, a hot spot for people of my mum's generation - my mum and uncle has been there before. We were there for lunch (I had draught beer & Sketers)






We visted a koi 'farm' and the wishing tree after lunch, a tours of new territories only ended at 18h00. By the time we go to eat sushi at a sushi shop in Tuen Mun I was too tired to take more photos:)